Need Suggestion

Dear Hopinggood,
Husbands feel their own brand of humiliation when they can’t perform, whether it’s a psychological roadblock or physiological issue. Common physiological causes for a drop in sexual desire in men include erectile dysfunction, medications (like antidepressants), brain chemistry issues and hormone imbalances (like low testosterone). On the psychological end, low interest can be related to depression, stress, anxiety or problems within the relationship itself.

Whatever the cause, sometimes one of the spouses loses interest in intimacy which is part of expressing love, for most people. Without that marriage can get quite confusing and unfulfilling, which is what has happened to you.

Since from your dissatisfaction now with the affair also as you are asking what you should do, of us, what you want seems to be a family life in a mutually loving marriage, not just the sex alone. Its true that in your own marriage, it and any other form of intimacy, has dwindled to now a complete absence, you cannot stay in it interminably.

Like a good wife you have tried your best to counsel him appropriately but he has not taken your advise and his frustration when you press the issue shows his inability to. (for reasons that are unclear). You say that he says you should be understanding-that is a conversation opener. To that you can answer, if you explain properly, I will try to understand. If his explanation does not convince you either that there is a real handicap he is facing, or if the solution he offers is one you simply cannot live satisfactorily with, then you have to take action on your behalf.

If you are deciding to stay on in a loveless marriage, there has to be some compelling reason.
Is it a concern for financial security? Are you educated? Are you still young? Do you like to work to earn a living?(Could you? Are you qualified?)
Well. If you answer 'yes' to all of the above, then be upfront with him and take steps to unnull the marriage. (Point out to him that intimacy is essential for you and frightening to him and THERE is your incompatibility or irreconcilable difference). There is no marriage between you two anyways. There is no point in your hanging on to each other for reasons of requirements you can fulfill even with hired help or efforts on your own part.

This is an issue between you and him not between you and all of your in laws.
Do you have parents? Are they sympathetic and supportive? If so good- if not forget them as well and be your own advocate. I don't recommend that literally- for going through the courts you will need to hire a legal attorney. However, be proactive. Not, surreptitious.

Plan to meet other people and this time if someone looks like he will make the kind of husband you like and can live long term with, then visit him several times in his environs, and know his moods, friends, job etc well before you tie the knot or [especially], even get physically intimate, thereby getting emotionally involved. You may still have a second chance at proper & successful married life, if you play your part right and in an upright manner. As a normal human being you deserve a loving and engaged husband while you are both still young and it is with that hope you entered the marriage-if that is being proven wrong without hope for rectification, you must have another fair chance while you are still young and can enjoy life.

REMEMBER:
Your husband will not go under. He will survive. Actually, he may even feel relieved.
He loves your kid, so you guys can share custody. Poor kid, but he will also survive and perhaps get worldlywise...Being cautious and informed and proactive in the selection of your life partner will at least in the second round, prevent another involuntary participant being brought forth into this kind of a mess. Your inlaws may not get shocked since they knew he was not making it. Some of them may grumble for a while, or even try to make you feel guilty but just ignore them and move on, eventually they too, will.

Its YOUR life. Stop messing it up more and more with stealthy affairs that don't take you anywhere out of it but dig a hole deeper and deeper under you..and give some equally non forthright man undeserved and improper intimacies with you. They are improper not because someone will say something or think low of you but because this kind od liaison benefits no one involved in it or related to them but will eventually drag everyone into the gutters. There are several uncomplicated solutions to problems like this. Fear of society, guilt, and lack of self confidence or not having personal goals in life, stop us from being our own advocates in a straightforward manner which definitely requires courage and a forthright manner in dealing honorably with difficult and challenging situations.
Upbringing has everything to do with what choices we will make in life also, but once grown we become responsible for our own conduct, more than our parents as when we were youg and immature.
Good Luck, God Bless!