Irresponsible Brother And Hurting Comments From Relatives

sobana · Aug 23, 2016

guesshoo said: ↑

Regarding your brother, it sounds like you've all done your bit of talking and advising. He refuses to pull his socks up. Your dad is right in his view that it is up to the adult kids to achieve to their ability. Your dad has done his bit for his kids, indeed and owes nothing more to your brother.

Unfortunately your dad is being the enabler by putting a roof over his entitled head and giving him access to his funds. I am glad that your dad has started pulling back now. It is important that your dad's funds are safe and your brother isn't allowed free access to it - not from the perspective of wittering away your inheritance but from the angle that your dad needs it to support himself for the rest of his life.

Your brother is going to keep complaining and blaming you and your dad and the crows that fly over his house to cover his ineptitude. Imo he ought be to cut loose so he can make something of himself. He is far too old to be advised - unless there is an older cousin / responsible friend he holds in high esteem who can talk to him, there's absolutely nothing you can do.

The key here is to stop enabling him - tell him clearly he needs to earn his keep. Then back off. Your dad could look at whether he could open a trust or something which your brother could perhaps get minimal funds from.

Regarding relatives, you can't do anything. They are being gossip mongers. Keep a straight face and have stock replies on hand. "What are you talkkng aboit? No. He has to settle down before he will be ready for marriage." "Don't be silly. He isn't a child. He needs to work out how to live his life." "How wold I know why he has turned out like this?" And look away and stop engaging with the insensitive person. Yes it would be very upsetting when they drag your mum into this. Be brazen and say, "my dad and mum did a great job bring us up. THey provided everything we needed to succeed. Perhaps it is fate. No point disrespecting my mum by bringing her up in talks like this."

Tackle it on a bold, dismisive manner and people will back off. Sometimes unfortunately insensitive people don't until they are handled firmly with a bit of disdain.
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Hi, Thanks for your elaborate reply for my situation. Meaningful!

Mommie007 · Aug 26, 2016

Could your brother possibly still be mourning the loss of your mom? This is probably his way of dealing with the loss. Why don't you take him out and have a heart to heart conversation. Maybe there needs to be some sort of intervention.

yellowmango · Aug 26, 2016

sobana said: ↑

Hello,
I know it's very hard to see our siblings in this kind of situation. I hope everything changes soon in your brother's life. I have also heard from lots of friends who have a cousin or brother in this state. But I always question, why it's always men who become like this? I rarely heard of a girl who is irresponsible.
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Girls/women are irresponsible too.In our culture it is considered okay if girls depend on father or brother till they are married off.Irresponsible guys are not easy to marry off.

sobana · Sep 8, 2016

Thank you all lovely ladies for your time in reading my story and suggestions.
Sorry for this long delay in thanking you all.

Love,
Sobana

sindmani · Oct 28, 2016

Op. Try talking to ur brother regarding his feelings. Did be go through any traumatic incident in his life or is he affected still now by ur mom' s demise. Is he always sad.does he socialise well. May be he is under severe stress. When we remove the stress in him, he will definitely change. I assume , as he is highly educated , he was not lazy in his child hood . so this lethargic attitude has to do with some stress or may be he is satisfied with all that he gets.may be He thinks making money is useless. Please have a heart to heart conversation

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