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What Is Your Take On The Issue Of Leaving Elderly Parents In Old Age Homes?

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by SGBV, Oct 27, 2016.

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  1. justanothergirl

    justanothergirl IL Hall of Fame

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    Can you please share more details about the community ..location..availability/monthly maintenance costs/initial deposit etc . It would benefit many.
     
  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    JAG, I don't know the financial details but the community is Vanaprastha, in Coimbatore.
     
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  3. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

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    @SGBV- I want to say it depends on the parents. My mom is an empty nester and lives alone in a big city, she will be retiring in few months. On constant basis she keeps telling me how many murders and crime happens against senior citizens is horrifying. I definitely don't want my mom to live in my house. When my sister was about to come to the US, my mom seriously thought about moving into a smaller house. But I strongly suggested her not to do so.
    Now she feels she has to maintain the "big house".
    My mom is an independent woman, who doesn't seek help from relatives, her sister or her brother or even from my dad's family. She doesn't want to live with me and husband too. My sis and I have pushed my mom to consider this option- of staying with us for few months. She outrightly refuses.

    Few of my neighbors are around my mom's age- especially one lady who is an exact fit for my mom's personality is her friend. They both have a good time. They go on long walks, they share food, look after each other if one is sick. For right now I feel good that my mom has a friend.

    As we grow old people have a set notions its very hard for them to change or adapt to anything new. Even a small change in thinking can come across as a big deal to them. I am ok in whatever my mom chooses to do. Last she was talking about investing in a retirement home. The concept is different- you buy a house in the retirement facility (like a gated community), where you get that privacy of being in a home ( cook, clean, maintain your home or can have maid service too) and similar age people around you, with a medical staff and other facilities like pharmacy, grocery ( where there is no driving or traffic, the every day hustle isn't there).
    I think this is an ideal option for my mom considering my mom's needs.

    On the other hand, my IL's are very different. They outrightly believe that they have to be taken care no matter what. They won't consider mingling with their own age people or even the retirement home. So the best scenario is my IL's will come stay with us or my DH will go every 6 months to see them. Thank god both of them are healthy right now *Touchwood*

    When I was growing up- In the corner house of our road, there was an old couple who lived. There was a young man and his wife and a child. I always thought that it was the old couple's son. Around 10 years ago, my mom told me that the old couple passed and she also told every bit of details. It so happens the old couple's children didn't want to take care of them although they were living in the same city. The children gave the responsibility of their parents to their poorer relative. The man and his wife were just living in a wealthy area and being paid every month to take care of the parents. When the parents passed, the deal was the house would go to the caretakers, however, it didn't happen.

    I have heard more than couple of stories where older couple are left in the care of maids/drivers/ house staff or with a relative cum caretakers. Some older couple are happy but most seem to have complaints about the staff.
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2016
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  4. sokanasanah

    sokanasanah IL Hall of Fame

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    In a general sense, I favor a "whatever works for you" approach. Life is complicated enough as it is without blanket judgements. This is a bit like the marriage thing that is discussed so often in these forums - dating? OK. Arranged marriage? Fine. Broker? OK if it works for you. Ads in the paper? OK for a start if you think it suits you. Romance at work? OK, if you think you can survive it. So on and so forth. And so it is with retirement options. My take is, the more options the better.

    However, having said that, I think one detail is often forgotten. This is the age stratification that such arrangements often impose. Young people living with other young people, young professional parents with designer prams pushing high-IQ babies around with other YPPwDPphIQBs, then families moving to the suburbs with yards and dogs and like minded neighbors in the same tax-bracket and then old people retiring to communities consisting mostly of others like them, except for the occasional visiting interloper - this takes something away from life. This is a false stratification, a lack of which is something I very much enjoyed growing up in India. The bhai-sahabs and behenjis, akkas and annas, aunties and uncles, babies and toddlers, the screaming kids in the compound apologizing for wayward cricket balls and the mellow-serious thathas and paattis lamenting 'O tempora! O mores!' is a fabric that enriches lives. Something intangible is lost when we neglect this aspect in favor of engineered environments.
     
  5. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    @Lakshmi6197, i agree with you, even i have not seen anybody living in old age home in my community, when people share posts on plight of Indian parents whom their children are leaving helpless in old age home, i want to know whom they are talking about?? Infact i feel indian parents are becoming too emotionally abusive towards their son and DIL...but thats a different topic altogether...
    As a child i am not OK to send my mother or PIL in old age home. My mother is independent financially/physically, my bro and sil live with her, so as of now she doesnt need me. if needed i am ready to take care of her. My mother is quite emotionally abusive towards me but still i feel i am strong, I feel responsible towards her, nd if needed i have to go on with my responsibilty. (rest time will tell).
    My PILs are living independently in their hometown. They used to visits us for days/months, for whatever time duration they like. Now in UK i am at peace...:D....they had been quite emotionally and verbally abusive towards me and sent me on the brink of getting mad and depressed....but still i feel i have become strong now and i expect that now when we will move india they will move with us as they are getting old. I am OK with it. dont know if they continue behaving same what will i do, but for sure i cant abandon them, my conscience will not allow it.i am ok if their daughters take care of them, but i dont think thats going to happen.(Rest time will tell).
    As a parent, i cant imagine myself living in children's home. So as of now our plan for old age is living in our home and enjoying our free time together, when one will be left alone, he/she will goto old age home.Rest time will tell.
     
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  6. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    This has serious pitfalls right now in India. This service sector has not developed yet to professional standards. My grandmother needed round the clock nursing care for the last 6 months of her life. Even the trained nurses who charged a premium were often found lacking. My mom would have to step in as they would shirk any hard work. Another relative is going through having helpers stay full time. Again there are problems of quality, reliability and several had to be dismissed for petty theft. It seems to be largely a matter of luck finding good people.
     
  7. satchitananda

    satchitananda IL Hall of Fame

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    True. However, society has changed a lot and the old, warm ties you have described are hard to come by. Also not to forget (even if it is not directly connected to this topic) these very ties can also be intrusive. We don't like questions about kids, how many, when etc. But if we think back, these kind of conversations were the norm years ago. We can't have it all. Some we win, some we lose.

    Back to the topic, it is an extremely complicated one with various scenarios and possible solutions. I don't think there is a one size fits all in this matter.
     
  8. Suparni

    Suparni Platinum IL'ite

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    I acknowledge many of the responses here stating that there are problematic in laws who want add on extra burden to daughter in law..........

    But one thing about these Old Age Homes is feeling homesick and longing for company of son and daughter or grand children..........

    They may have comfort physically but emotionally may require support from family.....This emotional support is something that is the duty of the son/daughter to provide...........

    The sad part is many children do not talk enough with their parents........This is definitely a sin.....because your parents take care of you when you are a toddler.........It is your duty to give them emotional support to them during their second childhood/old age.......they may sometimes tend to be irritating and repetitive.......but we have to put up with their nature on humanitarian grounds..........
     
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  9. Lakshmi6197

    Lakshmi6197 Gold IL'ite

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    This is exactly why ILs continue to harass their DILs. Because after everything is said and done:
    1. They brought up your husband.
    2. They are old.
    But they willingly and consistently abused their DIL is so conveniently forgotten. There are no consequences for their bad bahavior - however bad it may be. Society is with them, neighbors, relatives, hey even people on ILs will bat for them.

    If that is so then why is there no immunity for old people from the law? Some cases are such that if the children went to court, parents could be behind bars for years for what they did. But now that they are old they deserve to be taken care of physically and emotionally. What about the emotions of the DIL. Doesnt count? You have any idea of the emotional condition of children who are brought up in such families. Many children are scarred for life because of the constant bickering - also dont count. No wonder our society is the way it is.

    Old age is another childhood. So can DIL reprimand ILs the way she does her children? No - they are ILs not kids how dare you say no to them for their little desires? They will be hurt. God save the poor DIL. The youngest has to be the most mature, forgiving, understanding, respectful yet the olders can do exactly the opposite and yet be respected as they are old.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 11, 2017
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  10. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    When they are no longer able to take care off themselves physically,mentally or both,then they need to be taken care of by loved ones in any way they can .

    But till then ,I find people who choose to live separate lead a good life. Most older people I know in my family and acquaintances choose to live on their own ,in their homes...leading the life they want and that they can have.

    My parents have changed from the totally independent types to the ones who have kept a few people to help them around .They have started a tiffin service for one meal.My dad has learnt to help mom in the kitchen. Infact he is quite good with basic food now.
    They spend three months at different children homes but yearn to go back to their home .
    Most people around them also lead a similar life .I think our not depending on them to 'help' with our kids also has a big role in their staying independent.They do not feel obliged to help...nor have they become overly emotionally attacked to grand children.

    A friend of my father suffered from stroke and after a few months of struggling to stay independent their daughter and son in law came and took them to their place.
    I do not know of any one who has sent their parents to an old age home.
    The cases that we read about are ofcouse there.But India is a huge country and these cases are a very very small minority .
     
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