Do Parents Love Their Children Equally?

The worry is the perception…. equal is trivial to measure fair is subjective.

 

so in this case you can see, so many factors here, Normally we tend to give weight-age to our factors more while parents are looking at factors from both of siblings. besides parents are different individuals than us, so they think differently from us. So what is fair as par them, may not be fair as par 1 child.

parents who do distribute their property(or do not leave any will), normally it is said that they should have made a will, now they have caused feud between the siblings.
if they do not give property to children and donate it, then also you know not all children are going to like it.

Wish if people are able to separate love and money.
my point is that even if after try being fair , appearing fair to children is not that easy, unless children are ready to give their understanding to their parents. when children say that my parents had been fair to all, this achieves with the maturity of parents and child both. Now question can be how to make our child more mature so that they can understand other POV too.
As a child i have seen clear cut favoritism among boy and girl to the extent of depriving the girl, but its a cultural issue.and it proves that parents are not next to god, they are very much human being, prone to errors and little selfish too. But apart from that i never felt that parents love somebody more than the other. Liking can be more for one. some parents like docile child more , some like naughty one. But that doesnt mean they love anyone less. JMO.

 

Yes dear, in case of parent-child relationship, its a one way street only, because life is one way. My parents loved me unconditionally now i can not love them back same, but yes now i will give the same love to my children. Thats how it goes.

 

I've mulled this over and have been wondering about your original question even though I have just the one. I felt my parents were rather even-handed with us. My sibling is a happy and well adjusted adult too; so they must have done something right. We were never compared and my mum claims she could see from the very beginning how we were very different people. Us siblings have had our share of run-ins with grandparents though because we've felt discriminated by them due to age/ gender/ colour/ ability etc. Never so with our parents. So without much personal experience, here I go!

This is quite a complex question and answers aren't quite cut and dried. Parents' love is open to interpretation. How do we define equality in love first of all?

From the very beginning, each child is a different individual. Little but individual. With their own particular quirks and personalities. If a child's personality clashes with a parent's personality, could the parent be prone to imaptiently looking favourably at the easier child? Choosing one child over the other? It could happen easily today with all the demands on one's time - quite often parents don't seem to stop and think.

I've seen numerous older siblings - even if just 4 or 5 be expected to act more responsibly because a younger, more vulnerable baby has made an entrance. It's not fair that the older child has the burden of acting more responsibly than his / her get demands just because of the baby. A one year old snatches away the 5 year old's toy and the 5 year old isn't allowed to protest but be a good brother or sister. The child will and does find that treatment unfair. And it is. Wouldn't this make the child think the parents love the other one more even if that weren't the intention?

Also kids have different abilities. I know of lovely parents of 4 who spent a lot of money on the first one's tuition because she needed extra help. The second was close in age but very bright - whizzed through school and uni; scholarships and all. They sat the two of them down and explained they weren't being partial but they were going to furnish the second one's first flat as they'd barely had to support her monetarily all those years. The parents from their perspective were being fair. Now I'm not sure how the kids saw it - would the first born have felt discriminated against because her disability wasn't something she could help?

Parents have to provide a secure and safe environment as required by the child to thrive. They have to learn to relate to each child individually. Give each child some quality time individually without interruption - work it into the schedule. It takes time work and a lot of organisation perhaps to figure it all out, strategise and implement.

Beyond this, after all that effort, it is possible that when the child grows up, their choices being be their own, are something you directly disapprove of! (my 5 year old's dressing sense is like that now. She loves different colours put together; she looks for colours not on her already jarring ensemble to pick out accessories - even insisting on wearing different socks and shoes each foot...)

The point to understand is that they have to live their own life and while they grow up, it is the responsible parents' job to understand and nurture them each as a seperate entity, to be kind, confident, functional and productive members of the society. To this end, they need to provide what each child requires to thrive. How can anyone figure out if the love is equal or not when it could be so varied? I find it baffling.

 

Just saw this thread. Did not read other's responses yet.
Just trying to respond to the OP...

Yes, we love our kids equally. But we don't show our affection in an equal manner.
My son is very much independent, and he is very much liked and loved by all at home. Since he was the first grand child in the family, everyone pamper him.
Moreover he is a boy, that makes a huge difference when it comes to apply protection to the kid.
Whereas, my DD is different. She was born with a weird heart condition, which was thankfully ruled out by now. She is not at all independent. Rather a mommy's pet. She is 3, but still she wants mommy for everything. She is clever, and intelligent and more smarter than her brother. Even then she is dependent.
She can't survive a single night without mummy. She cries, and mess the whole day. She can't bring herself to be close enough with others, even with daddy other than her mom. Although she is loved, admired, appreciated and liked by all at home.

Due to this fact, I show more affection on DD. I carry her with me, put her to sleep with me, and always ensure I am back at home on time for her. I was rather career oriented, and never felt this much responsible when my son was at her age.
My DD has made me resign my 10 years of hard earned career, because I could not meet her emotional demands with my career.

So, obviously for the outsiders, I favor my daughter more than son. But inside me, it is clear that both of my kids are like my 2 eyes, and I can't favor one over the other. Just that, I physically show more attachment with one over the other since one child is vulnerable before the other.

Equality doesn't mean justice. I do justice for both of my kids.

However, this is just the present situation. Since both are kids, and very young kids, we can't expect anything in return from them other than love and affection.

However, as they grow old, as parents we would be expecting something more from our kids. It may be love, affection, respect, obedience, care, empathy, etc..etc...
The kid who shows more empathy towards the parents, cares for them, and spends time with them is favored over the kid who chose to abandon the parents for whatever the reasons.
Again parents are not robots. There are so much emotions involved in the relationship between a child and the parents.
After the marriages of the kids, the love between the child and the parents is highly influenced by the new family member (DIL/SNIL).
The ones who could think and act as per the same wavelength of the parent will be favored over the other.
Similarly, the parents always want to ensure justice to the kids. Although the kids are grown up and no longer they fall under parents' responsibility.. the parents still think they should do justice. That's why many older parents push the well to do kids to support for the not so well to do ones, so that equity could be ensured.
It may create havoc in the families, but parents never see that.

And finally parents favor the kid with whom they are comfortable. The kid's spouse, grand kids, living condition, wealth, in laws etc..etc... has got so much influence to this.

When the relationship is adult vs child, we must ensure the adult must behave like one, and do justice, equal love for the kids.
However, when both of them are adult, it is upto them to decide. We can't force a parent to show equal love among adult kids who are not equally returning their love for the parents.