1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Is That All He Has To Offer?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by memine, Oct 26, 2016.

  1. memine

    memine New IL'ite

    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Long story short. Married for 13 years, 2 kids. Supposedly living the great NRI life here. Not much interference from IL's. Distant politeness. The problems, if any, is between us alone, or maybe in my mind alone.

    DH - good provider. Never stops me from spending anything, or planning a vacation. Holding onto a job whether he likes it or not. I make some money of my own too, but it is 1/5th of his. Kids doing great at school. No problems there. Social events, religious get togethers, kids classes, home parties, calls to India, relatives: check, check, check, we do it all correct.

    Inside our bedroom is a different story. No *** for the past few years. All started bcos of a chronic health problem of DH, he couldn't perform, took medicines to improve performance, led to more problems, stopped that, and then stopped trying. I accepted it as it is. End of *** life? Fine. But nothing can stop, a hug, a kiss, just graze my shoulder? But no.
    Will stand with hands around shoulder for pics. That is the max physical contact I have been blessed for the past years. I sometimes try to initiate, turns away and sleeps. Am I fat? (Yes) Am I stinky? (No) Am I so repulsive? (Now I wonder)

    Will not do anything official for me: processing my documents, booking vacations. Nothing. You want it, you do it, I will come - is what he says. Often says in friend's houses, he is just the driver in this house. Said as a joke, but hurts.

    Hates social media. Will not allow me to post his pics or our pics. Once I commented on something he wrote, he flipped, and gave up all his accounts.

    Works alone, mostly from home. Zero circle from office, some acquaintances from temple. Will behave great with them.

    Spends his free time texting his people a thousand msgs - parents, sis, old school friends. From politics, to old memories to recording song bits, and comments on their clothes, and all. I've never got a single text from him.

    Cant even remember if he ever paid me a compliment. And God knows I deserve it. In fact, I need it. A 1000 likes of strangers cannot replace what I'm looking from him. I ask if I look good after dressing up, he says, yeah. One word dropped between us.

    Am an amazing cook and baker. Forget appreciation, will not acknowledge.

    Have great writing skills - "Okay, I guess you went to a good elementary school."

    Am the lead in my community, organizing potlucks, lunch outs, ladies day outs - "You probably do it for your own show off"

    Straw which broke the camel's back - Walked in yesterday, glanced at something amazing I made, and walked away. I asked him if he noticed it. He said yes. Didn't u feel like saying something about it? No, I thought I will tell later. One word, "Wow" or even "you made it?" would have been enough for me.
    Said, "its not a big deal, I would anyway eat it." Anyone would eat it, what I want is acknowledgment of my time, effort and talent.

    I went to the bathroom and cried, composed myself and came out.

    We are not talking any more. I think I am PMS-ing. I don't know what talking is going to accomplish. We have gone through this before. He started talking to me already. if I respond now, we go back to the comfortable situation as before. But that's not what I want. Or should I shut my mouth, and start talking normally? (ha, the irony!)

    There are women who can barely make rice in a rice cooker. They get oohed and aahed. There are women who are uglier than me, and post kissing pics on FB (taken by their kids! Really now?) No judgement pls, for the words I use here. Once we come back from our trips, other MEN take recos from me to book the same for their wives.

    He earns for me. Why won't he do anything else for me?

    That lump sum of money which gets transferred to our joint household account every month. Is that all what my marriage is right now?
     
    Loading...

  2. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    890
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    So this aloofness, since when is this? Right from the beginning of your marriage? Or something triggered it recently or in the recent years?

    My advice would vary vastly depending on the answer.
     
  3. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    323
    Likes Received:
    363
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    there are people out there with lot more problems than yours. So feel blessed.
    OP, Do you appreciate him for any of his works? Try to do it from your end once in a while ,appreciate his dressing, hair do , gift him some cute items.

    What ever your expectations from your DH, try doing that to him. I am not suggesting you to sacrifice, but these joys you are expecting. It may take time may be 6 months or year, He may realize down the lane.
     
  4. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,339
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    I am so sorry that you are going through this. It is not fair at all. Not one bit.

    Have you considered any counselling for his health related issues. Perhaps a second opinion that even if one cant/wont do it all the way, there are plenty of ways that can be fulfilling for both of you. This is a very delicate subject. I am not sure if you are comfortable enough sharing this with him.


    I was in your shoes. In the sense that I have been through that aloofness. Nothing I ever do is good enough. But you know what, he is going to continue this behavior until you put a stop to it. He cant do :it”. Fine. Are you really OK with this or you feel something else must be tried before you give it up? From what you say, you are not fine with this. Then why are you telling him that its OK? Don’t mislead him. He is thinking you are OK with it.


    The comments on food….It drives me crazy when mine doesn’t acknowledge. Once I made a pecan pie. From the scratch, crust, caramel and all. Mine thought it was as easy as a pumpkin pie with a store bought crust/filling etc. Dint say a word about it other than ‘its good’. Then I realized he truly didn’t know how much effort goes into a pecan pie. This is just an example. Going into a bathroom and crying is truly not helping anyone here. You need to tell him that a lot of effort has gone into what you made and you need an acknowledgement of it. This could turn ugly or it could help him realize that he can no longer take you or his efforts for granted. If it turns ugly, it cant get any worse than what it is now correct? Then don’t hesitate.


    I am telling you, you need to start respecting yourself. Only then things will start truly changing. If something is bothering you, he needs to know. Even if its embarrassing in the beginning, he will eventually know. Trust me when I say this, I KNOW how hard this is.
     
    Akanksha1982, NeetaR, SGBV and 3 others like this.
  5. Rakhii

    Rakhii Moderator IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    7,299
    Likes Received:
    6,339
    Trophy Points:
    440
    Gender:
    Female
    This is an excellent point.
    OP, if you havent already stared appreciating his contribution to the household, start it
     
  6. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,800
    Likes Received:
    2,318
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    i think the guilt of sex life not working from his side made him that way, to keep himself away from you and have his own life. Did you tell him you are happy with hugging and holding hands and watching tv is enough, may be he thinks you are hugging and next step is intercourse.
    can you talk through counselor or same doctor who he treated him, and tell what is expected from him, tthey may convey it better to your H, that is go for counselling.

    Also instead of giving up should work on the health issue.
     
    Last edited: Oct 26, 2016
  7. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,354
    Likes Received:
    2,670
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel major cause of your problems is your husband's health problem....i think some men takes their performance in bedroom very seriously....your husband's ego is hit due to his health problems. he might be having inferiority complex too...make your husband assured that its not a big issue for you and you are more interested in hugs/kisses. if he doesn't hugs you or kiss you...you keep doing that to him. when he turns away and sleep, at that time itself ask him the reason of his reluctance of even physical touch.
     
    MNR and SrDoctor like this.
  8. GeethaMadhuri86

    GeethaMadhuri86 Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    10
    Trophy Points:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Instead of putting this whole story here and thinking out of box...Talk to him seriously..He might change not in few days but in few months
     
  9. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    497
    Likes Received:
    1,107
    Trophy Points:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with posters above regarding his ego being hit. But it's not all about him, you are in the picture too. I think you both need counselling , a third party to point out where you both might be making errors . But yes , remember to be greatful for what you have
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  10. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,786
    Likes Received:
    7,303
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    We can't know what's driving him. or not driving him in this case. you are bearing the brunt of it. And that's completely unfair.

    Have you had a on conversation with him about this? Not crying or screaming or making a scene. Have you told him how you would like him to act/ react in a calm manner? In 13 years we could settle into a terrible pattern.

    I've been married for a few years longer than you and have faced this earlier. The only reason I can come up with is that my husband's masculinity was somehow challenged by my capability.

    I can imagine my husband saying exactly what your husband said. Only he wouldn't anymore. A few years into my marriage, I coached him. I told him that wasn't on. I explained when I put in some effort -even if it were to make soggy overcooked rice- I would like some appreciation. I gave him phrases to say. Used humour to diffuse the situation. He was highly suspicious initially but learnt to play along.

    For a simple it's good from him, I'll quip, you know better adjectives that that; go on; try saying more. Or I won't faint if you gave a compliment; try me. all said in good jest. After our child was born I was insistent on appreciation being spontaneous so we set good examples.

    Similarly with affection. I gave specific instructions - all U rated - and he would follow them - pat my back or hold my hand or gently knock your head against mine - whatever. I simply explained it as I like it when you touch me for no reason. No expectations in the bedroom except a cuddle until we sorted ourselves out as a couple.

    Even now, I am assigned more than my fair share of homework - buying gifts/ booking holidays/ sorting out bills/ solicitors/ estate agents/ mortgage advisors and such. Not to mention 90% of child rearing. When I've had a bit much of it all I've make it into the joke - I say, imagine I've fallen apart and have become a super dumb wife(or have run away with a secret boyfriend) - you have to take up the reins and tick off all these bits on the to do list (atleast half gets done) Or I do my bit and brag endlessly bout how lucky he is to have married me, again in good jest.

    For birthdays etc. It pays to have a good friend who can prod him on. I have one such friend who is invaluable to me for helping my marriage stay alive about a decade ago...

    Don't be silent and stoic. not dramatic either. Just simply treat him like a child who needs to be taught niceties... I hope things turn around for you. xx
     
    NeetaR likes this.

Share This Page