Relationships Forum Chatter & Grey Matter

Yup starts with me usually saying "why dont u take amma ........ on bike" and in 15 min the whole clan is being herded into qualis

 

No, guesshoo, I don't think it is easy to 'learn' to be nice or to try to be what one does not come from the heart. What I wish is that the relationship turns into something normal - like that between any two normal human beings, not a feudal one between mil and dil. The moment that happens, one needs to make no 'effort' to be nice. In fact, there need not be any 'nice' or 'nasty'. One just is what one is. A more balanced kind of relationship between the couple and the parents on either side would be the healthiest to have. Ups and downs are normal and to be expected.

YM, since this is from the West, I don't imagine it is an issue of the 'sanskari' bahu here. Just assume one is advocating some thoughtfulness. Am sure it could be the other way round too. They do have their problems, but I don't suspect they are the same as ours. I might be wrong. Yes, I do get mad at the 'if you ..... post this or copy and paste this' and don't usually do, unless it is something I think is of real worth (in my 'esteemed' opinion LOL) As for cynical, I tend to sit on the fence - as usual! :-D

Yes indeed, these forwards are certainly OTT, which is why I often wonder about the truth. They seem to be very feel good ones, but in this case, I did wish there would be some peace between the mils and dils of the Indian world. In this case, there needs to be some let up from the mil end. It does not have to go to either extreme, just be normal. That will happen the day the dil is considered as much a family member as the sn-i-l is, not a property of the family, handed over at marriage into the custody of the other.
@poovai, certainly a lot of us will be in that position. Those with kids as those without. Those with kids are living in a changing world. I would go to the extent of saying, I do wish the balance tilts a bit in that direction in our society. Right now it is at the pro-mil extreme. Even if it doesn't go pro-dil, I do wish and pray that a balance is achieved.

 

There is another dimension too. When the husband takes his parents for day outs, the quality time is well spent, the in laws bitching about his wife to him, in small doses like slow poison and one fine day, out of blue, the husband dumps the wife! This is mission backfiring in super high levels! Its after all the wife's fault, she let them spend that 'quality time' together in the first place!

 

I agree. Ironically, me and some others I know personally started out with normal, lovely feelings towards ILs. However the lack of any acknowledgement and mean behaviour - bullying for not giving them complete control - made us wise up. Worked in reverse. My mum swears her relationship with her mil was like the one you have described.

You do what you have to do to protect yourself regardless of pointed whatsapp forwards from the crowd!

 

Our relationship with our in laws is backed by our social experience, the society we live in, and so many other factors.

My mom never had a great relationship with her SILs (She did not have PILs, btw). But she never told us bitter stories about her past. We grew up with great bonding to our aunts and cousins though.

So, when I got married, I always wanted to protect my relationship with my in laws. Since my in laws did not like me first (due to love marriage), I made an effort to be extra nice to make them fall for me. My mom used to warn me to be vigilant though. She used to tell me how her SILs were then. But I brushed them off, as I could not accept the fact that PILs get automatically evil after marriage.

Due to this, I had ruined my best part of the initial marriage life. After so much drama, now that we have learnt to be stable.

My sister witnessed every struggle I faced in my marriage. She developed a pre-conceived notion that all the MILs are bad. She had a hatred for her MIL whom she never met at that time. She was all prepared for the battle by the time she got married.
Thankfully, she was blessed with a angel MIL. But their initial days were so messed up due to my sister's intolerance and pre conceived notion about evil MILs.
Lately they both understood each other and having peace.

My mom could never get along with my SIL (bro's wife). But after learning a huge lesson from my life, my mom has started to accept whatever my SIL could offer to her. She is learning to like and love my SIL only to ensure my bro's life is peaceful. Now that, after few years into their marriage, my SIL is truly appreciating my mom for letting her be the same. It helps their bonding.

I am still trying to know why my MIL has become evil just after my marriage. Perhaps her past experience, lessons learnt or whatever made her to behave so.

Basically no one is bad. We are shaped as per our social influence.

 

Oooo la la...looks great. I am game...just think about all the hot topics we can maavu arachufy(grind the batter) in the common room while Mr.JAG and MR.R go in their robes .

 

Count me in.....need a spot at the senior center.

One of my friend - worries a lot if we stay in same place as our adult kids, we will became 'ayamma', translation - nanny.

We will be expected to take care of grand kids because sick, school day off, working late, summer, their vacation trip, office party.

 

We should watch out for some interesting threads on IL..
Heartless MIL who spends the whole day walking on sunny beaches and collecting sea shells wont lend a helping hand..