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Relationships Forum Chatter & Grey Matter

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Jun 22, 2016.

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  1. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    My point was, not necessarily before marriage all girls think that they want a nuclear setup. its only after marriage they realize that joint family set up is not for them as we all know what is the place in a JF for DIL. No DIL expects before hand that her MIL will treat her bad, If she expects the same than why will she marry??? mostly girls live in a fantasy world of marriage, thanks to the available material and tele serials.
    there is enough material on JF but mostly showing that if DIL is good, she can win her sasuraal members. But reality is very different from it.
    Girl understands only when she goes through it herself. So thats what happens with girls who tacitly agree for JF before but later on ask for nuclear set up IMO.
    I dont believe girls marry with this mentality that lets agree now for JF, later on i will make them agree on my demands. May be some girls are there who are like this but i dont believe that majority think like that and if they think like that than its an overconfidence on their part.
     
  2. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    If somebody is sure about that she wants nuclear set up only , then certainly she should list it before marriage, But everything cant be listed. Life is long and people and their perception changes with time and situations, stands true for both male and female. Although i agree that person should at least try first wholeheartedly...
    JF goes well when people living in JF get along well with each other, this cant be decided before marriage itself whether you will get along well or not. if there are fights than its not only troublesome for DIL only, inlaws also suffer (untill unless they are sadistic people who enjoy drama, fight and DIL's hurt).then its best in the interest of everybody to live separately amicably instead of dragging the baggage of JF
    Now when nuclear setup is not uncommon, If groom is so hell bent on JF than he should discuss this with girl that in any situation i wont go nuclear after marriage.
     
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  3. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    I agree on that. During the marriage search for my BIL , my MIL would avoid all alliances that had a "single" child or did not have brothers. She would say that it is an unnecessary "burden" to keep on the shoulder of my BIL. There was this particularly good girl, who was working in an IT company, had a younger sister who was doing her MBBS residency , but didnt have a father. Their mother was working in the railways (meaning, she would get pension). Everyone liked the girl too, but my MIL was absolutely against it. When I told her " But both girls are self sufficient. The mom herself doesnt depend on her childer financially, then what burden would BIL have?". MIL came up with the lame explanation that " he would be the only man of the house and would be responsible for the younger sis's marriage , MILs well being etc" . I NEVER got the logic.
     
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  4. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sad mentality !! Has your mil considered that daughters who are only-child also end up as the sole legal heir to their family property ? Few think of the monetary benefits that may take some of the edge off the associated "burdens". I am obviously biased being as I am an only child.
     
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2016
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Her explanation can look look lame, and without logic, and even being unfair to the girl, or letting go a good match for such a reason, but, I think: it is an arranged marriage your BIL is going/went for; sibling, you and his mother have some say in the process. Your MIL is clear about what she is looking for in that DIL, and she is right about in such a house, the responsibility of finding a groom for younger sister can fall on the older sister & husband. Her 'only man in the house' observation is not so trivial, when it comes to things like care of the widowed mother, or finding groom for the younger sister.

    I almost don't like to type such realities, but we cannot mix our modern logic and arguments (often solidified after years of marriage) with the traditional things like groom/bride hunting.

    A woman's family might rule out men who have younger unmarried sisters or older divorced/widowed sisters. And so be it.. Better be upfront than hope the goodness in people will prevail and things will work out after marriage.
     
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  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is very true. That's why a pre-marriage discussion about all the expectations are important.

    Each family is unique. In some families, the widowed mom would have never thought about having a separate savings for her future. Rather she would have spent (even gone for a loan) to educate her son(s) by hoping these son(s) will take care of her in the future.
    In this scenario, it is a must to openly tell this in advance to the bride/and her family.
    There is no force on them to agree to this. But there are people who genuinely agrees and understands the logic behind.
    The marriage should happen between two consenting adults, right. Here they consent not just to tie the knot, but for the other conditions too.
    Sadly some of the women consent to everything/every demands just to ensure they are taken. Because some of the women have become unsalable goods in the marriage markets, due to these horoscope, dowry etc..etc.. things.
    As their marriageable age passes by, they loosen their say in a marriage. Thus all they do is to nod their head to whatever the groom's side demands for.
    Their parents' only hope is that, "things will be changed after marriage". But how?
    This is where, in some places these women are termed home breakers.

    You can't expect westernized logic everywhere. In some places, helping the younger sister for settlement, helping parents forever, helping older sister's rituals etc..etc.. are a norm, and men could not avoid it. But they basically don't hide it. They demand these things with rights, as these are their norms.
    Just that, they end up marrying with wrong partners, who don't believe in these kind of norms, yet take them as financial abuse.

    If it is love marriage, I kind of accept the misunderstanding... But if it is arranged marriage, both sets of families need to have open discussion about their expectations before marriage itself.

    Yes, many people do misuse these norms though. But there are some genuine believers are left with no clue; thus blame the DIL for all the mess up.
     
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  7. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    i also agree with you that clear pre marriage discussion is really important instead of sweeping the things under the rug. and now while women in india becoming more and more aware & concerned about their rights, i believe very soon prenuptial agreement will become a common thing.

    But at the same time things are not as easy as they may seems.
    For e.g Helping the younger sister, helping parents forever, helping older sister's rituals, I believe almost everybody in India will agree that men have to do these. But how will you decide how much help in what situation?? can you layout the plan for whole life for every situation?? problem doesn't arise with help, problem arise when wife thinks its too much of help and in particular situation this much of help is not needed. while husband thinks this is fine.
    For e.g husband thinks buying ipad for his sister is helping, while wife views doesnt match. She thinks providing for younger sisters education is fine but buying ipad is luxury and not helping.

    I completely disagree with you that there are more chances of misunderstanding in love marriage than arrange marriage.

    in Arrange marriage these much of detailed discussion on everything is not possible, because how much time you can spend on one match?? while i think in love marriage you spend lot of time with the person so you can better judge the personality of person and his/her family. and even after spending so much time if misunderstanding is possible in love marriage then leave alone the arrange marriage.
     
  8. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Looks like I opened the Pandora's box :)
    First of all, Rihana, SGBV,coolgal - let me tell you , you gave an amazing point of view to this. In my perspective, this is what was wrong - the girls family was not going to be financially dependant on anyone at any times. The elder girl was working in a good IT firm, the younger girl was doing her MBBS residency and already getting a stipend. The mom was in a high post in Railways and was going to get pension once she retired. They were already getting their dad's pension (he was in some central govt job too). Her mom made it very clear that she had saved enough for the weddings of both girls.
    So honestly, the only "responsibility" that my BIL would have had was to maybe post the matrimonial ad and nod his head for any suggestions asked . For their elder daughter, it was the mom who was running around - so she probably would not need any help of BIL, but still .. And probably on the wedding day, he may have to run around and drive around. Other than that, I did not see ANY responsibility falling on his head.
    My MILs question of "BIL will have to take care of the mom if she becomes bedridden", also was completely selfish according to me. What if I asked her "You have no daughters.. What if YOU fall sick? Who will take care of you?". Wouldnt I become the evil DIL?
    So as a mother of two sons, my MIL is guaranteed to have people to look after her if she falls sick, but the mother of two daughters needs to be shunned because of the same question? THAT was what irked me.
     
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  9. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    It irked you as apart from gender bias this is not very ethical too....but being ethical is a personal choice....no???
    if somebody chooses their personal benefits over ethics, their choice...but surely they must gain criticism for this...
     
  10. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes. They should. And in my sub conscious - I probably projected my own anger too. My parents have no sons and I am the younger of two daughters. So I am not sure if she had the same kind of discussions when our match was being discussed :)
     
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