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Everyday Seems A Struggle With My In Law

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by meename, Oct 23, 2016.

  1. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Great. You handled her firmly and didn't give her disrespectful behaviour any weight age.

    don't say this to her. It gives her power tonk now her shouts get to you. Instead stay calm and don't get defensive.
    No. It won't be. Be direct. Say, if you speak respectfully i will in turn respectfully reply or respond. I refuse to take disrespect from anyone. So the more you scream the less you will get anything you want done. Say it pleasantly and move on. Don't give in to drama and become like her. It will only make your cheap. Don't let her drag you down to her level.

    I feel violent towards such abusive idiotic cows who think they are entitled to shout and scream and disrespect others. Will happily pull the trigger if these worthless creatures are lined up.
     
    KashmirFlower and blindpup10 like this.
  2. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    Based on my experience with dealing with conflict - home or work - is that for the most part we are alone to resolve it. There may be empathetic ears but most people do not want to be part of it or do the hard work. Hence, my recommendation to you would be to not waste time looking for others to help out and deal with it in the ways you know best. Since this is a new experience for you and you do not come from a family with such behaviors it will take a few trial and error methods to figure out what is going to work. It is ok if you are not successful first time second time third time.... something will eventually click so don't feel disheartened. Feel good about the fact that you have identified toxic abusive behavior that must curbed at its roots and put to a stop and you are standing up against it unlike some cowards. Don't approach this from an angle as to who is winning and who is losing. Your MIL clearly has issues - much of it seem to be her own unresolved frustrations and less to do with those around her. As they say, 99% of conflict is internal and 1% is do with external factors. Since no one was able to stop this behavior of hers and went along and let it slide, it has become her second nature. She has gotten used to it and so has everyone else around her. But you are an outsider who has come in to this family and never exposed to this behavior in your family and you are doing the right thing in deciding that neither you nor your child want to be part of this. So do what you can such as:
    1) Tell her to keep her voice down - so much anger and frustration is not good for her - will give her BP and stroke if she already does not have some of it.
    2) Make sure your child does not grow up in this atmosphere for she too will grow up thinking this is normal. This is how people talk to one another and there is nothing wrong with it.
    3) Hopefully that family business and joint family will not happen. That may be challenging to work it out with your husband if it ever comes to that.
     
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  3. aamrapali

    aamrapali Gold IL'ite

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    If you are not able to shield your daughter from getting exposed to this - make this part of her education growing up as to what is right and what is wrong. We cannot protect ourselves or our children from all the wrong in the world - they will get exposed on way or the other. What we can do is understand and help others understand the difference between right and wrong. So as she grows up help her learn the right way to talk versus the wrong way to talk. Help her observe and learn conflict resolution how you are dealing with it firmly yet calmly and that there are healthy ways to resolve conflicts with each screaming over the top of another person's voice. Conflict is an inherent part of any human relationship. How we approach, deal with it, resolve it if possible or overcome it and move on if not is what sets some apart from others and separates right approach versus wrong. Help your daughter understand that a person by itself need not be right or wrong, it is the approach that is right or wrong.
     
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  4. meename

    meename Bronze IL'ite

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    very nice . will do the same . I am not able to remove my child immediately from the place as she will be playing with interest with some toy and if i pick her up , she will not come with me . but definitely i will explain her that this is a bad example of how people should behave
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This is the problem... Sadly, our culture has taught us to feel guilt for none of our fault.
    That's the reason we are still taking all these abuses, instead of making a full stop.

    The victim blaming society will never gonna change. It has no real reason to change. So, let's be the change here.
    You have a kid. At least, let that tiny soul witness the change through her mom. You must change for her!

    Your MIL shouts unnecessarily.
    Don't answer back every time she shouts. Don't even feel responsible for her shouting. Treat her as if some street dog, barking for whatever the reason. It is annoying for sure, but you can't do anything other than ignoring.
    The more she understands that her shouting/screaming has no effect in you, she will eventually stop.
    But, beware.. the more you react, the more you respond, the more you make audience to her shouting, she will most likely to continue this.

    As for the rice vs rotti matter... Tell her beforehand that your child prefers rotti and you do not need her help, as you can make it for the kid. If she offers to help, and her rotis are as soft as yours, then let her make the rotis as per your requirements. If she can't, then don't expect anything from her. Just go ahead with your plan.
    Your kid, your rotis... If she blames, lock the door, and feed the roti, and come out with a satisfied face.

    As for the mall visit matter, ignore her rants completely. Once in a while, tell her that your ears are sharp, so you don't need any advice in loud voice. If she complains that you don't hear her advice, tell her that you are adult enough to marry and bring a child to this world. So, you don't need expert advice in every tiniest matters from her.

    Always make a joke with the response, but also ensure you are very firm, and stick to the same.
     
    sindmani and guesshoo like this.
  6. YoGirl

    YoGirl Gold IL'ite

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    OMG..i dance happily in my heart whenever i shout back at my mil. It gives me a confidence boost and spike in my adreline.. i might feel that i made a mistake by shouting back...but hell to it..the feeling is just awesome!!
     
  7. meename

    meename Bronze IL'ite

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    ya even i felt happy for first few hours after raising my voice .. but after that i felt sad as i know it wont have any effect and will shout again .. As expected next day morning , she again shouted and i too raised my voice ...
    since last 2 days , i am showing irritated face and not talking to her properly .. as you said , i felt nice that atleast i got little courage . but feeling sad that this lady is always like this and my child will have to grow up in such environment
     
  8. meename

    meename Bronze IL'ite

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    hi , i tried this trick for first 3 years , i was not answering her when she shouts . though i felt very irriated inside , i never showed much expression . but she was only turning worst. She thought that anyway my dil is cool with me shouting at her .. so now i can shout how much ever i want .. infact it is a very very great timepass for her . she feels powerful when she does this .. yesterday she was telling that everyone knows that she scolds ppl and still all are coming to her only .. I dont know what kind of person feels happy for shouting at everyone and feeling that she has all the power in the world..
    I ignored her till baby was born . but after baby i did not want her to shout at me and make me listen to her ways of growing up kid .... she used to shout at kids too .
    Every time she shouts , I want to tell her to stop shouting but I am not able to .. Next time I would definitely try telling her
     
  9. meename

    meename Bronze IL'ite

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    I too hope for that ... If it happens that will be the worst case for me ... I am praying god daily that it should not happen .. Sometimes , i even feel like divorcing if that case would happen
     
  10. meename

    meename Bronze IL'ite

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    I am waiting for my hubby to come for vacation.. Once he comes , I am going to do as you said .. I will create drama whenever she shouts ..
    Many times , she keeps shouting when we get ready .. Next time , I will remove my make up , hair dress and wear some old cloth and tell that I am too upset with the shoutings and I would not like to join ... she goes mad if we dont attend any function ..

    I will definitely create drama this time .. because my dh thinks that I am a very tolerant girl and will tolerate anything .. Earlier he used to see that I am getting treated badly .. but still will be sitting on bed like a waste fellow ( infact i feel like scolding him with some bad words) ..If I was a guy and if my wife had undergone what I went through , I would have scolded the shouting one and would have made sure to protect my wife . .
    I dont know what stupid things run in guy' s mind .they think let my wife adjust na ..
    Till now I feel stupid was tolerating her for first few years . but only when i got a daughter i realized that she will look at me and think that undergoing bad treatment is normal .. So I want to stand up for myself and set an example for her ...
    Infact I dont even want my daughter to get married to an indian guy
     

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