Why Divorce Is Not A Happy Ending For An Abusive Marriage

gok · Oct 14, 2016

I am confused. I know i was living in an abusive marriage but why i am not able to be happy or peaceful with the divorce talks/proceedings. I know i dont want to take it any more, I know i dont want to leave my elder child with my parents forever for him, i know i had enough shame, insult and loss because of him. But still why am i so tensed/worried/sick about divorce.

I was not living with him for last 1 year. i hardly saw his face 10 -20 times in this one year. But there is not even a day which went without thinking about him - somedays about how good our life would have been if he really changed, somedays about how bad he abused/hit me, somedays about how he shamed/insulted/bad mouthed me to others at my back though he showed me a smiling face, somedays how cunning and crooked he his, somedays how unlucky i am as i feel i married the worst human being on earth, somedays wondering if there would be anyone worser than him or atleast equal to him, somedays feeling he has medical/psycological problems and i should get him treated rather than leaving him [actully he is the one initiating the sepeartion], somedays why did God let me down and did not save me from this guy,.... Oh God,.. Its more than a year.. when will i forget this

Every knock on my door tenses me, every email sound on my phone, ring on my phone frightens me, everyday morning i woke up thinking today may be the day when i would be served with papers...I know this needs to end, i know how it is going to end but not when[sometime soon]. Why am i so tensed, why am i so worried?

All these does not mean i am idle or gloomy - i am working, driving, shopping groceries, taking care of 2 small kids, spending time with them, playing with them, teaching them, reading books, not even having enough time for sleeping or taking rest. but still these thoughts are killing me. This too shall pass right, but when. God gave me some good things - job, money - atleast take care of me and kids on my own, parents support. what i miss- husband and friends [generally i am reserved with few friends, lost in touch with all because of my personal life.]. I know there are women who are in a more difficult situation. Why am i not happy and feel blessed for what i have but think of what i miss. one day i am feeling confident and think life is not fully happy for everyone and i am better than lot of others and i should not feel worried. The very next day i feel low and depressed. is this how peopel feel when they go through divorce or am i reacting more because of the second failure or am i not normal

sokanasanah · Oct 15, 2016

Metaphorically speaking, one could think of divorce as a surgical amputation. The hope for the marriage was that two would become one, sharing a companionable journey through life; but then illness, accident, injury or infection intervened, necessitating an amputation. However, this does not mean that one walks out of the hospital 'singin' in the rain ... what a glorious feelin', I'm happy again'. The surgery is itself an added trauma, followed by pain, restricted activity, rest, healing, recuperation, recovery and maybe physical therapy (!) until you get back to at least a semblance of normal.

gok said: ↑

Why am i so tensed, why am i so worried
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The 'why' is probably very person-specific. If you are an introspective person, a calm self-examination may reveal the root of your anxiety - fear for the future? Fear that you will never find anyone else again? Fear of what people will say? Economic instability? Anxiety about having/not having children and a family? Fear of being alone? One could go on. In your post you point to two things yourself: '... failure' and wondering 'am I not normal'. Maybe that's it. If you are not given to deep introspection, maybe a few conversations with a therapist might help. The monsters under the bed are a lot less fearsome in the cold light of day.
Good Luck!

dia3 · Oct 15, 2016

You will get your happy ending eventually....its normal to feel a bit disheartened in such a time....u r disheartened because u didn't get what u expected out of marriage...but in the long run, u wud be very happy that u moved on with divorce....some women have no choice bacues they don't have money or independence to manage their life !! Thank your stars u r not that woman who is forced to stay like a doormat in an abusive ( emotional or physical) marriage because she doesn't have money or independence to manage her life

chocolate · Oct 15, 2016

Op, The end to anything bad is almost always unhappy. You know why? Becoz there are more bad memories associated with it than good. We feel we spent precious time on something wasteful.Either way its not a win win situation. But at the same time, you put the cycle of bad memories to rest. Closed that chapter of life.

Pardon me if I sound rude, but if my husband told me keep my kid in India away from me I wud have divorced him immediately. You mostly played into his hands thinking you deserve what he meted out to you.He doesn't deserve to be cried over. Now take time to heal , go to therapy and get yourself into a happy person.

Remember you are accomplished. You have a job, you can make independent living with your kids. Man or no man. That says a lot about how strong you are . Remember that and go from there, you will be back to a cheerful person. Good Luck.

Iamagoodgirl · Oct 15, 2016

Phase you are going through is common for everyone who goes through break up.

gok · Oct 17, 2016

Thanks for all your replies. Hoping to overcome this soon..

Sparkle · Oct 17, 2016

gok said: ↑

Why am i not happy and feel blessed for what i have but think of what i miss. one day i am feeling confident and think life is not fully happy for everyone and i am better than lot of others and i should not feel worried. The very next day i feel low and depressed. is this how peopel feel when they go through divorce or am i reacting more because of the second failure or am i not normal
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Maybe you are going through whats called the various stages... denial, anger, depression, acceptance. It looks like you are going with the flow of your emotions and not just stopping living your life. That is a good thing. May peace be with you soon gok!

Mythi19 · Oct 21, 2016

I can relate to you as we are separated as of now(not sure whether we will get back together or not), and I am also feeling the same. I remember all the good and bad that happened and stress myself. I also feel my husband needs counselling or psychological treatment. But, we are not responsible for changing them just because they are our husbands. We can try to change few flaws in them. But no use when whole personality is flawed. We are responsible for our happiness and that of people who care for us. Just have that in mind. Try to create a new environment around you (New locality, New friends etc) that will give some peace. Travel to different places. Take interest in nature, science etc. Keep your mind occupied with positive things.

gok · Oct 22, 2016

I badly want to change this topic as -
Why For me, Divorce Is Not A Happy Ending From An Abusive Marriage.
It seems he is so happy about it. He came home last week to get his stuff - ofcourse, i paid for everything when he bought. He looked so happy, delighted, peaceful as if he is going to get married soon - may be he got his next prey.. What made me feel bad more is - it seemed he even forgot that he had a child. He was in home packing his stuff for about half hour, but did not even spend a minute with his own child, did not even bother to lift her in his hands. She was afraid of his mere presence in a different room as he was a stranger to her, she dont even know him.......... How can some men be like this... you many wonder why should i bother about someone who is not in my life anymore... i feel the same but unable to digest the fact that there are creatures in the world like this and i am a prey to it...

BTW, i started with first session of theraphy.. [He is too much shocking that i need special treatment to digest him... ]. i have some home works and hope i will digest all that happened, forget about him and get rid of him from my thoughts soon..

gok · Oct 22, 2016

Mythi19 said: ↑

I can relate to you as we are separated as of now(not sure whether we will get back together or not), and I am also feeling the same. I remember all the good and bad that happened and stress myself. I also feel my husband needs counselling or psychological treatment. But, we are not responsible for changing them just because they are our husbands. We can try to change few flaws in them. But no use when whole personality is flawed. We are responsible for our happiness and that of people who care for us. Just have that in mind. Try to create a new environment around you (New locality, New friends etc) that will give some peace. Travel to different places. Take interest in nature, science etc. Keep your mind occupied with positive things.
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@Mythi19 - sorry to know that you are in same boat. Wish things will change for us soon...