Personal Questions In Public

When I was growing up, I heard it over and over again - 'oh, all 3-are girls and no boy yet', 'oh my! 3-girls like a row of jugs', 'What will your father do to get you married?' --- list goes on and on ...from relatives, neighbors, milkman to veg vendors on the street, at the temple...every where we went. Even though, money was not an issue for my parents, I remember, the "talk" about it will drain our family's fortune. Those days inheritance laws didn't support women, relatives were "counting" on the family properties.

I was sent to live with my grand parents house at an young age. As if, I was hidden from the questioning look of others. Eventually, 10-years later my brother came and he became the 'apple of the eye' of our family. Still today in my mind, I often see my bro with the motherly instinct as if he came to recuse us from the relatives.

It would have bothered my parents so much...they visited every temple in TN region and my dad used to go to 'ayyappa' temple pilgrimage for many years to fulfill his prayer.

It is not that moment talk, it also affect the young kids around for ever. Hopefully, this generation is more mature to avoid such talks.

 

idonthatemylife,

I see his in two parts: the person who is asking the question and the question asked.

When a not so familiar person asks a question, it could only be a conversation starter. Sometimes we may come across as a friendly-face and the other may want to befriend us, so they need something to talk about first. Among women, relationships, children, fashion, physical appearance are hot topics. So not many see it as an inappropriate question. Plus its very hard to judge the level of acquaintance. One person may consider the other as a good friend, the other may not think the same way.

In a work setup, when such questions are asked, the difficulty in handling it increases. People ask more inappropriate questions like how much is your salary, why are you not married yet, why do you dress a certain way. Its even more harder when among relatives.

Depending on the question asked and who is asking the question, we can answer appropriately or dismiss the question altogether.

 

Yea some are just plain insensitive. I still answer them though but will ask them the same question afterwards, sometimes that other person will feel uneasy and will leave the conversation.

Just recently, in the mall foodcourt, this Indian lady striked a conversation while I was with my children. She was nice at first and then out of nowhere, she asked if my sons are getting growth hormone shots. I chuckled but then told her they drink milk like water. I then asked her if she's thinking of that idea for her own children, she said no and then changed the topic.

 

Yes sbonigala , what you experienced is something not a stranger and even a very best friend shouldn't be saying.
Not exactly similar but have a friend who kind of praises other women body and says we dont have that great etc. I avoid talking and feel so cheap and silly these lady is.

 

I dont share any best friendship with my son teacher. OP thats what you have to realize now, talking about planning kids, infact even suggesting to have them so and so time is a common thing done by most of people, infact i would say Americans do it a lot.
I dont think its a personal question based on my experience.

my sister has 1 kid, at one function in India, all our aunties ate my mom brain that she should force my sister to have 2nd one etc.
However ,your friend who suggested may have done that to criticize or show you are not a good planner etc what ever. so you may be feeling she is crossing her line.

My son's teacher, colleague, a white lady in lift etc all suggested me but i can sense like a well wisher in them.
however there were few who would say " you have only 1 kid, it is not even advisable to plan now as there will be too much gap, you would have done that before". so this definitely sounds sarcastic and negative comment from someone.

 

I was about to start a topic about this matter, every time i go to india, relatives, friends tell me next time come with a boy. ( i have 3 girls) even in the UK some people i just meet for the first time ask me whether i am planning to have more? i am soooooo frustrated about this nasty people i just say NO, ( i know i dont have to answer them, but I get stressed at that moment) please ladies advise me how to tackle these questions.

 

Oh my God, such a horrible lady she is!!Dear, don't feel inferior and low for a stupid lady's words.Instead you should feel pity for her. She must be jealous of you for something. You are beautiful and gorgeous as you are.

 

The horror, the horror.

 

People are just desperate for information. They don't know where to turn. Perhaps she was impressed by the height of your children or anxious about the height of her children.

It is much better to get information first-hand than get it from the internet or TV which always comes with an agenda.

She saw you, saw you were an Indian and in the moment decided to ask you that question. Poor thing. The thing is, in these situations both the asked and asker suffer. The asker because they are desperate and insecure, the asked because they are just merrily going about their day and don't know how to answer such pointed, specific questions.

The solution lies in either living in a completely anonymous society like the West with few non-whites or living in a closely-knit family in India where everybody knows your business anyway. Unfortunately, most of us are suffering somewhere in the middle.

 

True. Very true.
The horror is - people are so oblivious of the pain their questions cause. And they choose to call it being "open" minded and label it as new normal to talk about another woman's physique.

This same lady somehow got to know that I have a lump for which I am visiting the specialist. (Thankfully, specialist confirmed that it is normal and nothing to worry about)
She called me a few days back and asked me if what she heard was true - that I have a lump.
God knows how she knew that.
I said yes and her response was Oh my God. Already it's a cricket ground and if it's anything serious it's not gonna be great. And she threw a sarcastic laugh and said Anna might have to search for another lady.
I could no longer keep quite. I said(exactly this)
" Hey listen, thanks for calling to check on me. I know you have kids and work. Still you called me and I appreciate that. But you constantly talking and feeling bad about my breasts is not going down well with me. It hurts me every time you say it's like cricket ground. I gave birth to 2 babies and raised them with my milk. I take utmost pride in my body and my stretch marks. So you being so rude about them hurts my ego.
And yea I married a man. Not a boy. He is a "Man" and knows how to treat his lady. I don't have the insecurity of losing him because my body doesn't meet the must have list to be a sex symbol. I am his wife not his mistress. I hope you know that difference. If not, ask your husband.
After having heard so much about my body from you, I think I don't need "friends" like you. I am better off without such friends. When you think you are ready to talk to me without body shaming me, let me know. I will call you when I get a chance to. Have a good day. "

And disconnected the call.

When DH came home, I vented for a bit over a glass of wine and felt good about how I gave back.

#GiveNo$hitTakeNo$hit