When Patience Is Tested And Respect Is Bound To Be Lost - Aplogies For The Major Rant

sbonigala · Oct 21, 2016

SGBV said: ↑

No one can replace your own parents. But if you have siblings, specially sisters they can somewhat fill the gap.
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Thanks for the reply @SGBV.
No i do not have any siblings. I was the only child for my parents.
I wish I had a sibling bro/sister who can at least relate to those people whom I miss. Obviously DH lends a shoulder and has tears every time I cry (may be once a year is when I break myself loose and cry like a baby).
But it does help for sure if there was someone who can actually share the same pain and comfort of "been there, seen that, felt it, endured it together"

Not sure if I made sense, but yea
I will get over it(do i have a choice? ). I know this is just one of those "low" days, maybe.

MNR · Oct 21, 2016

satchitananda said: ↑

Good going so far, I'd say. Don't worry too much about her indifference. Check out your successes:

She does not interfere with the shopping, but informs you about what is there and what is not.

She does not interfere between you and DH.

I can imagine how painful it is not to have your own parents. Yes, we all hope to have a good relationship with ILs, but they don't seem to understand that. They see dils as maids in law come to dance to their bidding. Never mind. You have succeeded in changing things to an extent. The price? A period of indifference.

Don't worry. From personal experience, I can tell you that things will settle down and she too will mellow down with age. If my mil has, then anyone can. My early years were full of silent treatments, passive aggression and so on. I sometimes had a feeling of watching someone else's life playing out on screen. It could not be happening to me.

Nowadays she is extremely sweet with me. Either she needs to be taken care of now that she is very old and she gets that in my house or she has genuinely mellowed down. Either way, it is alright. I don't feel over the moon nor do I feel the earlier feeling of extreme hatred I did for her. (Maybe I am mellowing down too with age!!! ) I treat her the way I'd treat any elderly person I come across. Things are more peaceful. The only reason I am mentioning all this here (I have vented plenty in the past) is that I'd like to assure you things are not too bad and might just be a temporary phase. Your mil is learning to respect boundaries. Good for you. Keep it that way. Makes for mutually better relationships in the long run.

Hope your son gets better soon and that you have a great trip back home.
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Exactly my words. Have seen so many ladies transforming from puli to pilli with age (Tiger to cat). At the end of the day DILs who were troubled a lot in initial days were the ones took care of their in laws.

MNR · Oct 21, 2016

sbonigala said: ↑

Thanks for the reply @SGBV.
No i do not have any siblings. I was the only child for my parents.
I wish I had a sibling bro/sister who can at least relate to those people whom I miss. Obviously DH lends a shoulder and has tears every time I cry (may be once a year is when I break myself loose and cry like a baby).
But it does help for sure if there was someone who can actually share the same pain and comfort of "been there, seen that, felt it, endured it together"

Not sure if I made sense, but yea
I will get over it(do i have a choice? ). I know this is just one of those "low" days, maybe.
Click to expand...

This is one reason at sometimes I would like to go for second child.

SGBV · Oct 21, 2016

sbonigala said: ↑

Thanks for the reply @SGBV.
No i do not have any siblings. I was the only child for my parents.
I wish I had a sibling bro/sister who can at least relate to those people whom I miss. Obviously DH lends a shoulder and has tears every time I cry (may be once a year is when I break myself loose and cry like a baby).
But it does help for sure if there was someone who can actually share the same pain and comfort of "been there, seen that, felt it, endured it together"

Not sure if I made sense, but yea
I will get over it(do i have a choice? ). I know this is just one of those "low" days, maybe.
Click to expand...

God is the only hope my dear. He can bring back the peace you are looking for now.
Spend all your energies in prayer. And expect a miracle to happen.

One of my aunt lost 2 of her sons (she had only 2 sons) in an accident, and lost complete hope about her life after that.
She was inconsolable, and had no reasons to live in this earth.
Looking at her agony, sometimes I too felt it is better she dies soon rather than facing this living hell.
But she decided to devote herself in prayers, and started to experience the peace in her life so soon.

She has changed now. God has made her to recover from the shock, and to realize/understand what is all about life.
She is certainly moved on now.

She is really helpful for her sister's kids, and has found a purpose to live. She is jovial, and many of us still look for her in all the gatherings now.
God has changed her. If you wish, he is capable of changing you too.
Your problem is not that severe, as you have a family of your own. Your H, your kids and all. You have a purpose. Even then, your loss is not something small either.
It was God's plan.. He must have a recovery plan too. Ask his help, he will be there for you.
Btw, I am Christian and what I wrote here comes from my faith.
I hope you don't mind if you are not religious. In that case, meditation helps.

sbonigala · Oct 21, 2016

SGBV said: ↑

God is the only hope my dear. He can bring back the peace you are looking for now.
Spend all your energies in prayer. And expect a miracle to happen.

One of my aunt lost 2 of her sons (she had only 2 sons) in an accident, and lost complete hope about her life after that.
She was inconsolable, and had no reasons to live in this earth.
Looking at her agony, sometimes I too felt it is better she dies soon rather than facing this living hell.
But she decided to devote herself in prayers, and started to experience the peace in her life so soon.

She has changed now. God has made her to recover from the shock, and to realize/understand what is all about life.
She is certainly moved on now.

She is really helpful for her sister's kids, and has found a purpose to live. She is jovial, and many of us still look for her in all the gatherings now.
God has changed her. If you wish, he is capable of changing you too.
Your problem is not that severe, as you have a family of your own. Your H, your kids and all. You have a purpose. Even then, your loss is not something small either.
It was God's plan.. He must have a recovery plan too. Ask his help, he will be there for you.
Btw, I am Christian and what I wrote here comes from my faith.
I hope you don't mind if you are not religious. In that case, meditation helps.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the response. God is the only hope, peace and help. Completely agree with you on that.

When my parents died, many thought I would commit suicide and many of my cousins were with me day/night just to ensure I had slim chance to be alone and do whatever. But I craved for some lone time to gather my emotions and be myself and think about my future.
When I knew and accepted the facts, I moved out to a hostel . Thankfully my parents had decent savings which helped me pay for my education and hostel expenses. I lived alone in a working women's hostel because I chose not to become a burden in someone's house. Relatives opposed but eventually were all okay. They forgot I existed and when every girl went home for festivals I was alone in a 50 bed hostel because I had no place to go. Thankfully the warden lived in the same building. She used to spend time with me . she was a widow with little boy. I used to play with the boy.

When I got married I was given an option to go nuclear if I wished to. FIL was open to that. I chose to live with in-laws and rest of the family because I knew what it means to live with family. I missed it so much and highly appreciated the fact that family is strength. For sometime I forgot that I have no parents. I loved MIL and FIL so much. If you look at my earlier threads you would know that. I opposed those DIL who constantly complained against MILs.
Thats the reason for my hurt now. I gave them everything a daughter would give to her parents and brothers.
My BILs treat me like their own sister but not my inlaws. My inlaws just pretend(ed). I realized this off late.

We cannot force anyone to love us the way we love them. I am learning to accept the fact that my inlaws do not deserve to be treated like my parents because they do not treat me like their daughter.
I am learning to draw a line for myself first and to them next.

P.S I am Christian too. I am a practicing catholic and what I respond in threads comes from my faith too

Desiindian · Oct 21, 2016

OP, you are such a lucky person to have an understanding and supportive husband.

sbonigala · Oct 21, 2016

Desiindian said: ↑

OP, you are such a lucky person to have an understanding and supportive husband.
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Thank God

sbonigala · Oct 21, 2016

MNR said: ↑

This is one reason at sometimes I would like to go for second child.
Click to expand...

This is the reason I was stubborn to have 2 kids. Else DH was happy with DD and was not ready for another.
I cannot imagine DD in my state ! never ever.

coolgal123 · Oct 21, 2016

sbonigala said: ↑

Thank you for the response. God is the only hope, peace and help. Completely agree with you on that.

When my parents died, many thought I would commit suicide and many of my cousins were with me day/night just to ensure I had slim chance to be alone and do whatever. But I craved for some lone time to gather my emotions and be myself and think about my future.
When I knew and accepted the facts, I moved out to a hostel . Thankfully my parents had decent savings which helped me pay for my education and hostel expenses. I lived alone in a working women's hostel because I chose not to become a burden in someone's house. Relatives opposed but eventually were all okay. They forgot I existed and when every girl went home for festivals I was alone in a 50 bed hostel because I had no place to go. Thankfully the warden lived in the same building. She used to spend time with me . she was a widow with little boy. I used to play with the boy.

When I got married I was given an option to go nuclear if I wished to. FIL was open to that. I chose to live with in-laws and rest of the family because I knew what it means to live with family. I missed it so much and highly appreciated the fact that family is strength. For sometime I forgot that I have no parents. I loved MIL and FIL so much. If you look at my earlier threads you would know that. I opposed those DIL who constantly complained against MILs.
Thats the reason for my hurt now. I gave them everything a daughter would give to her parents and brothers.
My BILs treat me like their own sister but not my inlaws. My inlaws just pretend(ed). I realized this off late.

We cannot force anyone to love us the way we love them. I am learning to accept the fact that my inlaws do not deserve to be treated like my parents because they do not treat me like their daughter.
I am learning to draw a line for myself first and to them next.

P.S I am Christian too. I am a practicing catholic and what I respond in threads comes from my faith too
Click to expand...

I have to say You are a strong woman, stay strong. I can understand your pain of not having parents and any sibling. It must be making you lonely sometimes.you can take solace in the fact that god has replaced them with a good husband.
Yes, it happens we start understanding the loopholes of our cultural system only when it comes to bite us. Otherwise we woman also believe in the myth spread by the society that mostly DILs are the home breaker.

sbonigala · Oct 21, 2016

coolgal123 said: ↑

Yes, it happens we start understanding the loopholes of our cultural system only when it comes to bite us. Otherwise we woman also believe in the myth spread by the society that mostly DILs are the home breaker.
Click to expand...

Well said @coolgal123
I dont know if I am strong but I have no choice, rather I should say I am left with no choice but to be strong !
But this has helped me understand that life is very uncertain and very short.
I try and live each day rather than exist.
I dont want DH or kids to say "oh she wanted to do this.. " etc stuff. When I die I want them to say "She lived her life to the fullest, she lived a good life"