Problems In Married Life

The problem is that your hubby is still thinking 'I' instead of 'we'. Plenty of spouses help pay the other's education costs. The benefits will accrue to both of you, right?
Until you start living together and bond this may be hard to overcome.

 

Take a loan for monthly expenses also from your father, if he is OK, otherwise try to do some part-time job, teaching/working in college lab etc.
See + ve of it, when you start earning, some part pay off loan(to ur dad), some part give it to H to run house, rest all save for your self and invest on your name only, not sharing with H, for few years. For that he can't fuss, as he didn't support you much now.
Once your H also start sharing all financial stuff, then only you share Your H about your savings, policies or whatever investments of that time,

Coming to fights and saying sorry, stop all for now and just concentrate on studies and getting a well paid job,( but start with something even if it is a small job).
As all said it takes time to understand each other as people, so give time. You don't need to feel like used when come to intimacy.
Your expecting support from H is natural and if he not OK leave it, and try to be independent in all ways, and be mature, and a complete person. As a complete person, you don't need anything except company of your Husband and spending moments sharing joys and sorrows.

even if you don't believe in this man or their org, try to listen these videos, it is only about relationships, nothing spiritual or religious based: sadhguru on relationships - YouTube

 

I apologize for having replied a little too fast. But I still suggest that you concentrate more on your studies and getting close to your husband than anything else. It takes years of effort to make arranged marriages work. If you can borrow money from your father or a bank please do so. You may have already had a plan before you started your studies on how to fund your course and expenses. Stick to the same plan. You have too many things going on in your life already, you just got married, you are living away from your husband currently, studies and you suspect that your inlaws could be against you. Pick and choose your battles. Concentrate on what is important now.

Even if a woman gets married after completing her studies, or when she has a high paying job, some couples do share household expenses. Especially in the west, most couples have a commmon account for household expenses. When it comes to finances, there is no single right or wrong way.

 

Dear Pinky2cute,

You are not wrong in expecting your DH to pay your fee and expenses. It is his responsibility when he wants to marry you before completing your studies. IMO after marriage wife & husband are each other's responsibility. Its a mutual responsibility towards each other. God forbid if your DH loses his job in future and if you are working, I don't think you will hesitate to sponsor his expenses. Also he expects the same from you to bear his expenses.

In my case, not for studies, but my DH paid all the visa expenses, my flight ticket and for my gifts and other expenses when I was at my parents place for few months waiting for the visa (my visa got delayed by some mistakes of the high commission), because he feels I am his better half, part of his life & am his responsibility, not my parents responsibility after the marriage.

Your DH should feel proud to sponsor your expenses, because it is going to increase his image in his wife's eyes. He will be a super man in your eyes if he does so. But unfortunately he is not understanding this. I do not agree that his parents are not allowing him to do that. If he really wants to do that, he need not tell anything to anyone.

But anyways as of now do not indulge into any arguments or fights with him. Keep calm. Your bond will increase once you start living with your DH. Till then just have patience and keep yourself calm even if he talks non sense.

Also, either try for a student loan or look for a part time job to sponsor your expenses.

 

This thread reminds me of the quote "When "I" is replaced by "WE", even illness becomes wellness." I supppose vice versa is true as well.

I do feel that OP's husband has been somewhat tight fisted. It is natural for a woman in such a situation to feel less open hearted, less giving in her own way. Multiple such episodes, large and small, leads to death (of loving feelings) by a thousand cuts.

And women being the empathetic beings we are often rationalize a man's behavior attributing it to"newness of the relationship" or "lack of bonding" or how the woman has yet to capture a place in her man's heart & prime place in his life. But just imagine, if a newly wed housewife doesnt feel like cooking or keeping house for her inlaws and husband, stops doing the many things that women do selflessly & tirelessly everyday ..would anyone cut the woman the same slack as they would do for a man ?

IMHO the problem is not that OP has yet to develop a close relationship with her man. It is not her "fault" or something that she failed or omitted to do or even the perceived lack of closeness due to living separately that led him to act this way. Generosity is a character trait - some people are givers & some are takers. OP's husband is not exactly a generous giver. His lack of generosity has nothing to do with OP.

That said, the advice given to OP that she forge a close relationship with her husband is actually a strategy. Sweetening the relationship may motivate a stingy man to loosen up his purse strings. But only somewhat. Because pettyness, like generosity, is a character trait, that is unlikely to change dramatically anytime soon.

In this case, I hope I am proven wrong though.

 

In my last post I only posted my observations but had not suggested any ideas. After giving this some thought this is what I suggest you do. You are going to need money for the next 24 months. It doesn't make sense to be in limbo each month. You deserve peace of mind so that you can focus on your studies. Take charge of your financial future and take a leadership stance in your marriage as follows -

1. When he visits next time, have a frank one on one chat with your husband. You must tell him most of what you shared on your post. That is, why you feel you are entitled to ask him (rather than parents) for support, how you wld do the same for him if roles were reversed and how hurtful it is to you and your relationship when he holds back money suddenly, without warning ( this is actually financial abuse). Ask him upfront if he is willing to commit to providing for you financially on a monthly basis for the next 2 years. Tell him that this means that henceforth he cannot mix your interpersonal problems with money. Whatever be the fight, funds must always be present in the bank and you must not need to remind him needlessly. He cannot belittle you by punishing you financially. Obviously, all this needs to be said in your calmest, sweetest voice - not in a belligerent manner.
2. If he agrees to #1 tell him that you would want to opt for a joint account where he deposits cash sufficient for 2 months (yes, TWO). Additionally have a joint credit card that you can use when money is tight. Use of a joint a/c or credit card leads to transparency and he can also see expenses directly. Credit cards are safer for online bill pay/transactions. Also say that when you start earning you will contribute to the joint a/c to run your household.
3. Additionally tell him that he must not question every expense and that he must learn to trust your judgement. Convince him that it is your joint future and that this experience will be a lesson in trust as you develop your relationship. Every couple goes through it.
4. If he says that he cannot provide for 2 years or sounds wishy-washy, indicate that you would take a loan from your father. But clearly explain the consequences - that you will both have separate finances even after you get a job, that you will use a significant part of your paycheck to repay your dad. And you will manage your money independently. Obviously tell him that this is less than optimal because it will lead to more mine vs ours problems down the line.
5. By putting forward your arguments both of you are essentially making a choice together. You will not be helpless anymore. He will have a say in the financial relationship both of you will have in the future. You will be taking leadership in ensuring you are provided for comfortably.

Now for some thoughts on the rationale for this suggestion

1. When a man refuses to give willingly to his wife what she is rightfully entitled to, then it essentially means that the wife has to ask and take. Men who are frugal with their money, have trouble giving on their own. That doesn't mean that the wife has to cut down on her basic needs. Infact she must not. This will lead to bitterness and sets a bad precedent. Don't let an immature man set the tone or rules for the marriage. He is indirectly taking the marriage down the wrong path that will hurt both of you. In the long-term interest of your marriage, learn to assert your needs & rights as a wife - not only in this matter but at every step. If a woman waits for a man, known to be frugal, to give willingly & generously, she will be left waiting a long time and also getting less than what she needs. As the saying goes, "you don't get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate".
2. Never avoid a frank discussion because it feels uncomfortable or embarrassing. The goal must always be to ensure clarity & to avoid festering bitterness due to unsaid feelings.
3. Your action/inaction in dealing with this money issue will set a precedent for how you two manage money in the future as well. As this will run for a full 2 years & by that time things may have settled into a pattern. Hence, view this situation as a valuable opportunity to create the kind of financial relationship you will share with your husband in the future. Most importantly it is an opportunity to learn to assert your rights in your new role as wife, even if you are a meek person otherwise. Learning to communicate your needs and asserting yourself will go a long way in how your marriage shapes up and your own experience of your marriage.

Goodluck !

 

OP may be he still dont feel like a married since you both are not living under one roof.
Also First few months of marriage are extremely necessary for couple bonding.
You are taking huge risk by not staying together and enjoying honeymoon period.

 

@madras2018 has nailed it.

Please also do not make blanket promises at this point about how you would give your salary to him. Your salary when you start earning would be a joint asset which you will spend or invest jointly. And of course a part of it will be for you to do with as you please.

Since you seem to have hashed it out already before you got married, your husband is obliged to fund your education. If he backtracks now, that is petty.

About arguments at this point learn to deflect any unpleasantness with diplomacy and tact. There is no reason to shut up and be submissive. In fact that would certainly come to bite you in the back later.

I'm sure you have way too much course work to bother with this but I find transactional analysis works really well with petty minded indian IL relationships. The book I'm ok, you're ok deals with this.

If you do not agree with anything, buy time. Say you need to think about it. Or say you'd rather not discuss it right then. If you are being questioned about expenses in a petty manner, refuse to rise to the bait. Insist firmly he has to trust your judgement. Repeat as often as necessary.

Being calm and diffusing situations is a skill that will serve you well. Your calmness and confidence will go a long way in setting the tone of your relationship.

Yes, initial period after the wedding is ideal for getting to know each other, and all. However given your circumstances, your education is very important - you'd communicated this before. Stick to your guns. Good luck.

 

Sorry if my response was rude. I did not mean to offend you.
Your OP was indeed not clear.
Thanks for the details in your responses. Even though it is still unclear to me.

Educational expenses is not just college fee. It is more than that.
PG accommodation, meals, transportation, tuition fee, and your personal expenses are there.

You can't become your husband's responsibility the moment he ties the knot. It doesn't work that way.
Sharing life, and its burden should happen naturally.

Apparently you are not sharing a life with him right now. Except for the few days of meeting, you guys live your own single life.
He shares his life with his folks, and they do the caring, sharing and other responsibilities with him. So, he is subjected to share his pay ch with whom who share the life with him. Practically, you have become an added responsibility to your husband right now.

After earning a salary, you are not required to give your pay Ch to your husband. You just have to share the household expenses, savings and other investments as per the ratio of your salary.

House wives are working inside the home. They are bearing the household responsibility, so they are more than doing their share in the marriage. If a house- wife is staying in a PG and not doing anything for the family (for whatever the reason), I am not sure whether she will be rightfully getting a pocket money?
Same applies to the house husbands, who chose to study further and further after marriage and expect their wife to bear the complete family responsibility, in addition to her role as a primary bread winner. It is unfair.

If such a decision is agreed upon prior to the marriage, then it should be respected. However, it is important to note that people blindly agree on anything before marriage. But when it comes to practical life, there should be always some balance.

PS: there are thousands of good husbands who support their wives to study further, and take care of the kids and responsibility singlehandedly. But it seems your husband is not that good.
It all should be done out of heart, and not out of rule.