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Sick Of Mil Drama. How To React

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Sweetygals, Sep 27, 2016.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    :worship2::worship2::worship2:..
    Yes @APS45 ...please tell us what do you feel about guys who offer the wife as sacrifice to their mother.:rolleyes:What should this suffering wife do...without breaking her marriage?Try to control him(since he is a baby who needs controlling)or wage a life long war .

    edit.okay ...you answered that question.
    I agree to disagree.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2016
  2. APS45

    APS45 Silver IL'ite

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    Can it be the intent of the husband? Do you really believe so? I agree that he could have done better to comfort his wife, but let us not add to her fear calling her sacrificing lamb.

    In general, I agree with what you have said buy why associate such words like evil to MIL? It can be a perception of immature opponents as well. The moment you think that the MIL is evil, whatever she does may be looked at with suspicion. Nobody is evil, nobody is angel, however everyone feel they are good according to their own perspective. Unfortunately, there is practically no opportunity to develop social and relationship maturity, to develop people and emotional skills, especially at Indian society; the children are pampered even at their late twenties, especially at Indian society. That's the root cause of many relationship issues.

    On a lighter note, she got cured the moment she thought she has to spent 30 days with you and at your home, that is how perhaps she perceive you. :grimacing:

    I think your MIL suffer with huge sense of insecurity, and it is not uncommon in our society. The striving middle class do everything they can for their children with a belief that they will be taken care by their children in their ailing age, especially their sons as that is norm in our society till now. In the absence of social security, such dependencies are huge, and it is not monitory dependency alone. When the spouse come and start building her own life with her husband, the parent, especially MIL feel isolated and triggers series of actions to make her presence felt, and she still needed to care her son - just to ensure her dignified survival. Let us keep aside chronic and criminal offenders here. It could manifest in many forms, unexplained cries, tough posture for petty things, polished words and cooking for her son with favorite dishes, exaggerating what the wife do or not do - the list endless. If she is a widow, then her tantrum worsens, if not addressed. The one and only way to get a peaceful and permanent solution is to minimize her sense of insecurity.

    Pleas talk to your husband, and make a plan how both of you can achieve this - to minimize the sense of insecurity, if not possible to completely eliminate. Your husband support is mandatory. For your husband, you are indispensable, it should not be a concern for you. Make a step above your MIL, see the big picture. Trust me, you have high chance of getting a lasting peace with your dignity intact. Your MIL is part and parcel of your husband decision to marry you, directly or indirectly, then how come she block the happy life of the young couple - by and large, the answer lies above.

    Please understand, I do not underestimate or belittle your problems. I am suggesting you to look at the things in different perspective, find a solution along with your husband, and look at your MIL not as enemy but as woman struggling to find her space. She is not your mother of course, but she is indispensable stakeholder for your happy relationship your your husband, she can inflict heavy damage to your husband emotional health. You may ask, why me, why not that elderly woman change her way; well, the tender tree one is more flexible, I always believe young and educated should make a first step.

    I visit old age home managed by little sisters of poor in Bangalore, I have listened to many elderly couple, and I know, by and large what they were looking for and what they have never got. I always felt, little more understanding and compassion to elderly people make a lasting sense of satisfaction.

    Good luck to you.
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    No one calls their MIL evil by default. There are varieties of MILs, as every human being has different characteristics.
    There are good MILs, great MILs, bad MILs, insecure MILs, annoying MILs and evil MILs too.

    A woman used to wear a particular saree ONLY to the funeral houses for the past 13 years. She has so many reasons to use that particular saree for the funerals for such a longer time. But one day, her pet dog damaged that old saree when she returned from a funeral. It became no longer usuable, so she washed it and kept it aside.
    A few days later, her DIL (it was a love marriage, and she never liked her DIL) came to this woman's house for the first time after her first delivery. The baby was just 4 months old then. Sadly this DIL could not go there with her husband, but went alone due to some pressing circumstance.

    The MIL wore a sweet smile in her lips, and asked the DIL to spread a cloth on the bed cover, because she is afraid of bed wetting of the infant. Since DIL did not have any extra cloths, she gave "this saree" and asked the DIL to keep the baby in it.
    Innocently, without knowing the history the DIL kept her son there for the whole day, and as expected the infant pee'ed in; thus she washed the saree the next morning.

    When she dried that saree in the balcony, her BIL asked why have she washed his mom's saree? and she gave the reason. He was damn angry on his mom, and threw the saree with no reasons given.

    Later, DIL heard the heated conversation between MIL and BIL in their kitchen, in their local language (DIL knows it fluently) and understood everything. MIL said I gave this saree because they means dead bodies to me.

    Now tell me whether this creature is innocent? immature or generally insecure? I call her evil, because she is my own MIL, and I am that DIL.

    However, this one account of my BIL made my husband understand how cruel his mom was. The rest is a happy ending.

    Sadly there are many MILs like mine.



    There are evil MILs, evil DILs and more importantly evil Hs in our society.
    If an elderly person is fated to lose his/her family to end up in an elder's home (specially in our context as elders' homes are not considered hell in other parts of the world), then his/her children should be blamed for that. Not the DILs or SNILs.
    It is their children's responsibility to take care of their elderly parents, and have compassion and understanding for them. They must take extra initiatives to balance the relationship and make it possible.

    Sadly many sons just ignore whatever happens in the house front. They expect their wives to do service to their older parents, and if that doesn't work out either they make the wife's life a living hell or send their parents to elder's home/hell?
    Why can't they do something about it????
     
  4. Sweetygals

    Sweetygals Silver IL'ite

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    My fear is definitely not out of insecurity. It is out of my past experience. My husband in general will take care me nicely if im not well. Will get irritated if i dint eat on time. The same guy went vacation alone to his place as i was pregnant dint travel with him. At that time i dint have this fear. I myself told him to enjoy and come back. When he returned back he had so much complaints on me. Fought with me. Ended up calling my parents that im fit for nothing. I dint have my food for 1 whole day.
    He felt sorry for that later. But i still cant forget those days.
    The issue with husband is he want to please his mom. So he does not notice that im hurt
     
  5. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    OP wrote
    "My hubby suggestion is i should talk normally to her and hear her concerns if she shouts it could be max 30 mins. Then it will be normal."

    after that what can i say .....he is using his wife as sacrificial goat only .....just because my mother is angry for no valid reason, you hear her shouting then everything will be back to normal....he is not concerned how it will affect his wife or why shhould wife listen to shouting, whther his mother is doing right or wrong, he just wants to placate his mother at the cost of his wife feelings....

     
  6. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    some westerner psychologist found out the reason insecurity behind western MIL strange and stupid actions.....and we have started sweeping every bad deed of indian mil under the rug of insecurity....

    my doubt is if indian mil feels insecure about her ailing old age that who will take care of her in old age, than in that case normal reaction is behave extra nice with son and dil so that they dont leave her in her old age....
    but instead she starts behaving bad .....why???? normally when we expect something from a person , we behave extra nice with her...right....but why indian mil thinks that behaving bad with DIL will bring good result???

    yes, indian mil feels insecure but not about her old age....she feels insecure that she will not be a prime woman in her son's life anymore....she has lost her no. 1 position in her son's life....she feels insecure that now onwards her son's main focus will be on his wife instead of her....now onward taking care of son is wife's responsibility not her....why she feels insecure about it because she knows thats the way of life....she had been a wife herself...but she is not able to accept this in her case...
    ask any DIL who is troubled by her MIL she will tell you that these so called insecure inlaws dont want love, care and attention but they want complete control on son and dil life, they want their ego massages, they are sadistic people who are not satisfied with their happiness, they want to see DIL cry....
    some scenario from real life:
    DIL takes care of MIL daily...she cooks for her, she spends time with her , she gifts her, she celebrate festivals with her....but when same DIL falls sick one day, MIL dosnt ask her even for water....this is not insecurity, this is complete lack of concern and regard....

    son and dil eat their food with mil, watch TV with her and take her with them for movie , dinner etc too....still this MIL cant see that son and DIL sleep in same room, she wants to sleep in between them, she cant see them even going for walk together alone, she wants to accompany them everywhere....this is not insecurity, this is jealousy....

    in the op case, her MIL is angry that they inform her just 2 days before the vacation, they should have inform her well before....why??? they are mature adult, they dont even live with her on daily basis, then why??? this is not insecurity this is want of having complete conrol...how can you say that these couple are not giving love, care and attention to her MIL.....informing MIL about each and everything doesnt come under love and care.....

    now question is why people behave bad with DiL only??? how can be so many bad people over all....they behave bad only with Dil because they know they can get away with it....Basic psychology is human behavior is based on consequences.... in india elder have become habitual of playing elder card....
    if inlaws consistently behave bad with DIL then ofcourse she will not be able to give them same level of love and care in their old age....at that time they wiill play their elderly card and gain sympathy, but onlookers will not know the both sides of story....

    and regarding insecurity, its a really funny thing that a 50 years old woman, living in her home with her children and spouse feels insecure of a new girl....while a girl much younger in age, hence not that mature and little innocent, come to house of stranger,leaving her family behind should not feel insecure....
    common....if anybody should feel insecure that should be the new bride.....while MIL being the matron of the house and being more mature becuase of her age , should guide the new bride and make her more comfortable in new home and try to include her in family....
    but she will not do so becuase she knows that there are many people who gives her the right to feel insecure, she doesnt have pressure from society to behave right and mature, infact even if she behave bad, still she has the backing of society being elder hence poor one....they know that soceity thinks that they are the one who did so many sacrifices for the son hence they deserve to get away with they immature, controlling, bullying behaviour....
     
  7. APS45

    APS45 Silver IL'ite

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    Let me clarify one thing, larger part of my second post in this thread (and few more in some other thread) is more generic and trying to reason out what might trigger such undesirable behavior, and what may be more appropriate way of handling that. It was based on my observations, listening, and little experience. In this thread, it was suggestive to the lady here.

    Exactly, this is what I am trying to understand. That too, why particularly MIL behaves badly with DIL. Why the woman know woman better logic is not working here? If the behavior is based on consequences, what consequence a MIL is expecting for her evil behavior towards her DIL, after being part and parcel of the decision to bring the DIL home? Is she doing for sadistic pleasure? Why a good mother for her son end up as evil MIL for her DIL? or Is it her defensive reaction for the perceived or actual threat from her DIL? If you thing that western analysis are ******** when it comes to Indian elders, how you explain these behavior? Human emotions are same everywhere? When there is an issue between two parties, both are part of issue, both should be part of the solution. That being the case whether the DIL is putting everything conveniently on her MIL, painting herself as Angel and MIL as evil?

    Again, this thread has enabled many more questions, none of these are pointed to the concerned lady here. With these questions, I am not pointing fingers, I have genuine intention of going to the root of the problem. I am hopeful of more insightful discussions, which will make my understanding better.

    Will come back on Monday, have a great evening, and weekend.
     
  8. coolgal123

    coolgal123 Platinum IL'ite

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    "woman is enemy of woman" logic is working here....and patriarchy has made the woman enemy of woman....
    in indian patriarchal system, woman is not appreciated much in any role except one... woman as daughter comes below son, woman as a wife is important but not respected, woman as sister is respected but not important, now woman gain importance and respect only as a mother, that too mother of a son...status of being mother of a son bring respect in this patriarchal soceity, and as a mother she get utmost respect from son, his father, husband and brother has failed to give her respect and importance both. she gets it only from son. so she become obsessed with son. hence when this son gets married and start giving importance to other woman she is not able to bear that. she becomes jealous and wants to have control.
    every human wants power. now in this patriarchal system woman has no power in her father's house, nor in her husband's house. as she can not exercise power on her father, mother, husband or inlaws. society has grant her power only on her DIL, not even on her daughter as she goes to other house. she gets power and authority only on wife of her son that too DIL. in the status hierarchy only DIL comes under her. Only DIL is the one who should listen to her and take orders from her as par society...
    when a powerless woman gets power on her DIL she starts misusing it....i will say it goes to her head, she forgets to place the boundary....thats why some MIL start behaving as if DIL is her maid or slave. she feels powerful and thinks she can do anything with DIL, she can expect anything from her without having basic concern or care for her.

    Thats the problem, even in today's world, MIL is in illusion that there will be no consequence of her behaviour.
    Reasons are because
    1. when MIL are doing wrong/bad things, her son supports her. SO Mil thinks no matter what my son is with me.
    2. MIL might have adjusted to her mil's whim and demands, so she thinks she can do the same and he DIL will comply.
    3. She has seen in her relations, extended family, neighbourhood that DiL being treated badly, still MIL is getting services from DIL.
    4. MIL is in her DEN, she is surrounded with her family member, her husband, her son, her daughters, so who is going to side with DIL and criticise MIL??
    5. Indian Soceity has an outlook that MIL is elderly, so poor MIL, DIL should adjust with MIL even if she is bad wth her.No matter what DIL should serve her MIL.Its her duty.

    till the time MIL behaviour becomes unbearable for DIL, normally MIL has to face no consequence, hence she doesnt feel the need to correct her behaviour.

    Because society emphasize on being a good mother, but not on being a good MIL.apart from that being a good mother is natural because of natural bond with child, but loving somebody else's child requires maturity and a large heart. You can say MIL is like step mother. society pressure is on DIL for being a good DIL, hence DIL end up bearing abusing behaviour (which is considered normal in indian scenario).

    I dont say that western analysis are ********. it just can not be applied to Indian MIL. in west MIL is not considered part of couple's family. She is separate family unit and can have very less influence on couple's life. In west society says that you have to put your wife first and above of all. So here mother can feels insecure as despite doing everything for her child , after marriage she is going to loose all her rights for her son's wife. But in indian scenario its not true....plus western MIL's problems are very very light in comparison of indian.
    Human emotions are not same everywhere, emotions are impacted a lot by culture and society expectations.

    yes, both should be part of solution...but how??? A DIL can treat her MIL well, and in turn MIL should treat DIL well. and thats all DIL are asking a fair and human treatment from inlaws.
    Nobody is saying to DIL that treat your inlaws bad. its just that dont take bad behaviour from inlaws...

    No every MIL is evil and not every DIL is Angel.

    There can be thousand reasons behind somebody's bad behaviour but there is not one good reason for tolerating bad behaviour.
     
  9. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    I wish I could give you a hundred likes for this post.
     
  10. APS45

    APS45 Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you Ms coolgal123, your reply is quite thought provoking. Few comments:

    You are saying "patriarchy has made the woman enemy of woman?" There is no evidence or plausible explanation to suggest men created enmity between women. This is a convenient "conspiracy theory" rolled out by neo-feminist to instill distrust and hatred between men and women. Whatever has happened in that past, good or bad, both gender are party to that. Women have always influenced men, and made them to do whatever they wanted to do, women cannot excuse themselves from any of the social issue we are facing today. I think your explanation of power and respect for woman seems to be based on just what is tangible and visible on the street. Your flow of reasons sound logical but such women will end up as a chronic abuser and they are very minority in numbers.

    Possible. What are your explanations for reverse cases? What make some DIL behave very badly with their MIL and create a big scene at drop of hat?

    Agree, a good mother for her children not necessarily a good human being. But there is equal emphasis on being good MIL as well. Abusive MIL don't get any respect from society, people are watching, at the best they are tolerated in some events. They may have the company of like minded MIL, same way as like minded DIL have, nothing more.

    What is the big difference in Indian society, other than being more relationship oriented? Every married couple may not live as a nuclear family for socioeconomic reasons, but the emphasis of what constitute a family is same. Your reasoning of why a mother may feel insecure applies to Indian mother as well for the same reason, in fact, it may apply more in the absence of social security system in Indian society. In India, majority of middle class elders are completely dependent on their sons for their dignified survival. Perhaps, they would have saved all their wealth and asked their children for self care at the turn of their 18 like most of their western counterparts instead of spending everything for their children. Of course it will change in future.

    I disagree. Human emotions are universal, however, there is a cultural context in terms of expression, interpretation, perception about an action or spoken word. Variations are only outward and conditioned by respective culture. Remove the cultural context, everything is same. Therefore, one have to be sensitive and filter out the cultural context to get a feel of true emotions, and feed the solution wrapped up with similar cultural elements. And the culture is always evolving, one have to understand where he/she stands today, where his/her elders were standing - you cannot use your modern and evolved cultural interpretation and judge an elderly person - whether it is your own parent, PIL or whoever it may be. More so in Indian context, because the changes are too fast in our society, it is like changes over 5 generations in western world have happened in one generation, thanks to fast forward technologies. Our response and treatment to elders should be mindful of this fact.

    Fully agree. It is never about tolerating bad behavior, it is about freeing yourself from such bad behavior and make the people around you to behave better, make your relationship environment peaceful. And we do this everyday, with our colleagues and friends, we make an attempt to interpret them, we make an effort to get along with them. Why not with MIL? Something is not adding up well.

    The threads like "My MIL visiting us for a month, what to do?, My DH is visiting MIL for 2 days, I am restless", all these are testimony to how fragile the relationship is, and the amount of distrust around that. Seems to be no end in sight, at least in near future. Let is see how the current generation DIL behaves when they become MIL.
     

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