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My Story... Betrayal At It's Best... How To Save My Marraige?!

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mariselviprabu, Sep 28, 2016.

  1. Lakshmi6197

    Lakshmi6197 Gold IL'ite

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    OP you have every right to feel cheated coz you were. There is no justification for what they have done not today not ever.

    Please forgive them for what they have done coz they don't know any better - thats how they are and you can't do a thing to make them better people.

    But NEVER EVER FORGET. This is a lesson for life and never expose any chinks in your armor to them. No dependencies ever on them.

    Make a comfortable and happy home with no intrusions from ILs. So husband looks forward to a life with you. Try conciously to reach out to your husband and tell him how you feel. What justification if at all did he give for his parents' behaviour?

    Go to visit ILs once in a while. No set patterns so no fixed expectation. Go and come as a guest. Never initiate any talk of any physical and financial help. If talks happen, you be non commital. And never ever do anything for them. MILs remember DILs only in times of need.

    Where do you live now? Try to structure your life such that you actually don't have time. In general with work and 2 kids you will not have lots of time on your hand.

    Your ILs were a dysfunctional family before you came in. It was for a reason. Now I know enough to keep away from such people. Good luck.
     
  2. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Your in laws are heartless people period.When you were giving they were ready to take and take and take. When you didn't they complained.Why ? becoz the effortless gravy train stopped. You on the other hand need a jolt of realty . Unless reciprocated don't do something. Especially in laws. Why did you have to bring in laws together in the first place. Not your family yet , not your problem. Why at the cost of your money and time? Early on in the marriage , you shud be concentrating on bonding with husband and not on mindless things like this.Yes, I will call this mindless becoz see where it got you.

    Why did you send your parents to in laws on weekends during your pregnancy listening to your MIL? Your MIL has wrapped her finger around you and now you realize its a noose.Whats with the weekend visits , cleaning and sharing expenditures. Your in laws got used to free help and money flow. No wonder they now feel the burn.You shud jump back to reality asap. You are working, your hubby is working. Weekend is the time you need to relax. Not to run over be a maid and spend money.

    Now its time to be a real family. You , your hubby and your kids. Cut off your MIL completely. Stop giving in to them and in turn making your parents give in too. Stop weekend visits completely.Stop spending money on them cold turkey. Congrats on your new baby.Good Luck.
     
    Last edited: Sep 29, 2016
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Why? Why didn't you come back to your home, where your older kid, dad and mom were there to care for you?
    Why didn't your H visit you during the delivery?
    At least what was his reaction when his own parents have throw you out of their home?
    Whatever their reason may be, your H could have appointed a maid for you (if not directly, at least via some of his contacts) and forced his parents to keep you safe there.
    Sending a full term pregnant woman to a hostel is heartless. But I am so concerned about your husband's reaction to it.

    You really went overbord to support your PILs. One thing you must always remember is, that your PILs are PILs, and not your parents. You are their DIL, and not your daughter.
    So, you can't be doing anything to your PILs, which you are yet to do for your own parents. If you do so, it is disrespecting and discriminating their love. No one can replace your parents.
    Ok. Your lesson is now learnt. Good for you.

    You don't have to keep the grudges and suck for this forever. More than your grudges, your happy marriage and peace of mind is important.

    Forgive them. They can't change. This is them. Accept them as who they are.
    But don't forget. Don't go extra miles to serve them or change them. Let them be.

    Visit them whenever your H ca visit. But now you have so many excuses like second kid, his/her needs, and timings etc.. So be involved with the kids all the time. This should give them a clue that you are not available to help or do the chores for them.
    Same goes to financial part and physical helps too. Say no to the trips or any luxuries expected from you. Cite kids and their needs as a reason all the time.
    Slowly try to distance from them, but never tell anyone (not even your H) that you are distancing due to the past heartbreaks.
    Make it as if something natural due to the second kid and added responsibility...

    Have close bond with your parents, as they cared all the time. Respect them, and be nice with them. So that your kids have atleast one set of grand parents in contact.
     
    sindmani, happyperson and NeetaR like this.
  4. mariselviprabu

    mariselviprabu Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks a ton. It's really helpful
     
  5. mariselviprabu

    mariselviprabu Silver IL'ite

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    ROFL :roflmao:, Nice quote "weekend seva mode" but ironically it was the truth
     
    Lakshmi6197 likes this.
  6. mariselviprabu

    mariselviprabu Silver IL'ite

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    Since I was full term my doc adviced me not to travel, and since my home was 80kms from the city, and the Hospital was in the city ,I had no choice but to stay at guesthouse :-(

    H was obviously angry but then "time heals things" and DH tend to be STM (short term memory) person ...:smash2:
     
  7. mariselviprabu

    mariselviprabu Silver IL'ite

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    I wrote the post exactlyto convey the above message.
    THis lesson was learnt the hard way, and I wish all frds out there to know , get the message that no one can replace parents.

    Take care
     
  8. Roses3

    Roses3 Senior IL'ite

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    Hi @mariselviprabu : I read your posts and feel very bad for you. Just remember its not just you. I have similar bitter experiences. Believe it or not, I have not even stayed one day at my in-laws house in 4 years of marriage. Even if I have to stay, my FIL books a hotel room for us. But its really god's gift that my husband always stays with me and understands me. He feels bad too but he doesn't ask anything to his parents. I personally feel because your husband is very nice with you, you can do something for his sake. I understand it can be hard. Just think from your husband's side, he knows what his parents did was wrong, now if you don't go to your inlaw's place he will feel his wife is also wrong. So from my personal experience, I don't object him to give money for family maintenance (in my case). You can do the same if you feel what I told is reasonable. You can visit them once in a month for now, then reduce the frequency slowly. Don't do much work when you are there so that they feel its useless for you to go there. Also, give them money for family maintenance atleast so that your husband is not guilty anymore. If he understands that you are the better person, your problem is solved. I am not asking you to forget everything, just telling you to make things ok, so that you don't have to be emotionally stressed like this. You have a family to care for and a job that demands your time and energy. Good luck..... Take care.
     
  9. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    OP is other relatives from h side are good let them know casually what has happened.Also let your relatives know what has happened.Just do formalities for inlaws.Stop over giving,stop going to their home and working like a maid there.Have your excuses ready if husband insist.You have two kids so you know have plenty of excuses.Slowly reduce your relation with these people.
     
    sindmani and Lakshmi6197 like this.
  10. sunshine2017

    sunshine2017 New IL'ite

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