My Last "india"thread. Plsss Bear With Me..

soulful · Sep 30, 2016

anika987 said: ↑

housework is not exactly a problem..it's just the zombie life.
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Anika, expand your horizons. Try to look at the positives. cultivate your hobbies, take classes you enjoy. It seems like you are desperately clinging to one woman's experience to resolve a temporary phase of monotony. You cannot take life changing decisions because you are feeling restless, stagnant. Have you tried changing jobs? Perhaps that will give you a change. Even if it is difficult, take the effort to make new friends. Even if you do want to move to India, it can't be done on a short notice. It needs to be a very planned move. If you go for the "meeting in summers only" have you thought about your kids? You may live without your H, will they be happy without their father? Do you really want to live as separate families. Occupy yourself and see what can be done.

Laks09 · Sep 30, 2016

What if things are not as magical in India? I can guarantee you from personal experience that people in India are equally busy, life is equally mechanical and you will have to put in equal amount if not more of effort to have a social set up.
Your cousins and friends have a life of their own, family commitments, etc. Living in a metro in india is expensive. Schools are expensive. You need to plan to return to India. It took us 3 years to plan it all out and we still had lots of things pop up.

For me, personally, it was worth every bit of effort. I have a huge family and it made a lot of difference to be in the lives of my nieces and nephews. I still go twice a year for family functions of some kind to have that connect with extended family. But it's not all rosy. If you go with the idea that you currently have, which is once you move, everything will be perfect, you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. For example, your DH who comes home at 5, won't show up until 10. You yourself will be stuck at work until close to 7. Everything at home will be done by a maid/cook/ayah because you just won't have the work life balance that you are so used to. It takes a lot of un-learning to be truly happy back. And you will want the relatives but want your privacy. Lot of effort to push back(and we lived in different cities, all of us). My sister had to come down and "train" me in dealing with my own mom and her questions on the phone.

There are pros and cons everywhere. It isn't all rosy like people portray on social media. Take all that with a ton of salt!

Give it some thought. If you really want to go, you should go with your eyes open.

anika987 · Sep 30, 2016

Laks09 said: ↑

What if things are not as magical in India? I can guarantee you from personal experience that people in India are equally busy, life is equally mechanical and you will have to put in equal amount if not more of effort to have a social set up.
Your cousins and friends have a life of their own, family commitments, etc. Living in a metro in india is expensive. Schools are expensive. You need to plan to return to India. It took us 3 years to plan it all out and we still had lots of things pop up.

For me, personally, it was worth every bit of effort. I have a huge family and it made a lot of difference to be in the lives of my nieces and nephews. I still go twice a year for family functions of some kind to have that connect with extended family. But it's not all rosy. If you go with the idea that you currently have, which is once you move, everything will be perfect, you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. For example, your DH who comes home at 5, won't show up until 10. You yourself will be stuck at work until close to 7. Everything at home will be done by a maid/cook/ayah because you just won't have the work life balance that you are so used to. It takes a lot of un-learning to be truly happy back. And you will want the relatives but want your privacy. Lot of effort to push back(and we lived in different cities, all of us). My sister had to come down and "train" me in dealing with my own mom and her questions on the phone.

There are pros and cons everywhere. It isn't all rosy like people portray on social media. Take all that with a ton of salt!

Give it some thought. If you really want to go, you should go with your eyes open.
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THhanks laks...
Just that India seems to have a buzzling social life,enjoyment etc plus the fb pics i see only of people having fun! Hubby dear so busy with his work and routine life along with this winter is making me irritated..

Hubby asks Me to put kids as a priority and their good.well what after kids leave?old and lonely..in India no concept of loneliness ever!even in old age people have others to talk to,temple,short trips etc..

Sometimes I yearn to just be a dot in a huge crowd!

Yeah, u r right..need to go with no expectations...

sbonigala · Sep 30, 2016

Laks09 said: ↑

If you go with the idea that you currently have, which is once you move, everything will be perfect, you are setting yourself up for major disappointment. For example, your DH who comes home at 5, won't show up until 10. You yourself will be stuck at work until close to 7. Everything at home will be done by a maid/cook/ayah because you just won't have the work life balance that you are so used to. It takes a lot of un-learning to be truly happy back. And you will want the relatives but want your privacy. Lot of effort to push back(and we lived in different cities, all of us). My sister had to come down and "train" me in dealing with my own mom and her questions on the phone.

There are pros and cons everywhere. It isn't all rosy like people portray on social media. Take all that with a ton of salt!

Give it some thought. If you really want to go, you should go with your eyes open.
Click to expand...

Very true !
The flexibility of work-life balance in India and abroad is way different.
Every one has their own priorities and their own families. The treatment when you visit is different from the treatment you get when you are back for good.
Also, dont forget the dependencies on maid and their sudden "sick leaves"

dnormx01 · Sep 30, 2016

Maybe you could request your cousins/friends to Skype you the next time they get together or celebrate an occasion. You will get to enjoy along and at the same time might soon realize that all that glitters ain't gold. Facebook photos do not give us the whole picture, so beware before you even think of doing things based on this proof.

Also don't you have any Indian, regional associations at your place. They generally have something happening every weekend. And you will get to see good crowds there too.

Coming to shifting, I second your husband. God forbid, if the kids or you fall ill, it's very difficult to manage alone. Especially at these times kids miss daddy a lot and will keep on whining. Also being a single mom to growing kids is very difficult. You will have to look after A to Z for them, eventually leaving you no time to meet your friends and top it all with maintaining a long distance relationship with your spouse. Can't even imagine the distance you're creating in the most important relationship of your life.
Just not a worthy trade off. JMO

Hopefully you'll think et al before you take any step. Best wishes

coolgal123 · Sep 30, 2016

your husband told you the benefit of USA, those are true.....and what benefit of india you have seen on facebook, thats also true, in that regard life is more fun in india...
now you have to decide which thing is more important for you...

kcb · Sep 30, 2016

Dear Anika,

You are right on your part about missing India. But your H also is 100% correct.

You make a list of positives & negatives of life in USA & India. See where you get more positive points, here you need to consider your H & kids opinion also as one of the point.

I agree, in India you may have lot of people like your immediate family members, friends and relatives, but at the same time there will be lot of issues like jealous, competition, comparison, show off and politics among relatives. Nothing comes free in life. Along with more people you have to face more issues.

As your H said there will be lot of interference in your life from inlaws and relatives. You have your own life in USA, but in India it's not just your life, you have to listen to in laws and relatives and take their opinions eventhough you may not want to.

1. USA - life is bit monotonous, less friends and less activity, but still you can feel its your life and you have all the rights on your life and family. If you leave H in USA and move back to India with kids, then you may have relatives and friends in India, but you and kids will start missing your H and vice versa.

2. India - immediate family members, relatives and friends - but all this comes with a baggage of lot of interference in your life, jealous, nosy people, competition between relatives and too many politics. Also your H & kids may start missing life in USA.

You have to decide which is best for you and your family, living in USA with H & kids on your own terms and visiting India once a year or move back to India and ready to face other issues.

My suggestion is, you can make some changes to your lifestyle to kill boredom in USA. First you have to keep control on your feelings, stop feeling lonely, bore and missing India. Join a gym or health club. Have some hobbies like reading, painting or watching nice movies. Plan and cook nice variety dinners when you are feeling bored at day time. Once in a while go out with your friends, go for shopping, go to beauty saloon and groom yourself. Once in a while try to change the decor of the home, re decorate the home for a change. There are lot of things to keep you busy if you want to. First start loving your current life. Tell yourself daily that you are going to be happy.

SGBV · Sep 30, 2016

Dear @anika987

I bet you have started this thinking process only after learning that one of your good friend had recently moved back to India.
Observing your other threads, I see a tendency in you that you always compare yourself to others, and want what others have.
It seems like you are unhappy about yourself, and have a very low self esteem.
That's why you try to copy others without having any analysis.
They are just my observations after participating a few of your threads here. Correct me if I am wrong.

Coming to your question...

India is not rosy as you visualize it from the movies or social media. It is the same life but on a different mode.
The fundamental happiness of your life lies on who you are. If you are happy within, you will be happy even in the amazon forest. If not, no matter how many people are living beside, you would still feel lonely.

Your Indian settlement is not gonna change your personality. It seems from your threads that you have a very low self esteem issues. You are a loner. And it seems you did not have a great friend circle back in India either (your high school thread).
I remember your rant about how you were treated badly, and discriminatory in Indian shops just because of your skin color, cloths etc...
Your husband is gonna be the same no matter where you live. He will not suddenly change to become a lovey dovy husband or spend time with you.
When you are not treated special with your husband, it is unlikely that you will feel special with the treatments of others.
Your cousins, siblings etc..etc.. will join you, party with you and post pics in FB whenever there is a wedding/functions.
But we have only a few weddings and functions coming up in every year. At least some 300+ days will have to be spent in a usual, routine way only.

I am a Canadian passport holder. But I live in my native country for a reason. I don't think life in the west is always better than here.
I am happy and proud about my childhood, and I bet many of my western friends did not have this cozy upbringing in their country.
It is not always about the country, but about the family.
My family had a wealthy background, and are very liberal. I had fullest freedom. I had so much friends, and with all this a great childhood.
So, I am so confident of my life. I am thankful to God and my family for that.
I have seen many girls from the US (who work with me as I work in an international organization) portray low self esteem and less confidence despite living in a first world country.
So, it is not always about where you live. But how you live.

I don't think I can give a great life to my kids back in Canada without any support. I am a social person, and I have so much bond with my family here. The lonely me can never ever be a great mom.
I see myself working like a machine to support my family there. Which will result my kids in a day care at someone else's care. I see my irresponsible husband wandering about the Canadian life, and my PILs try to hook him up in skype all the time. Which will again cause me to be a busy bee inside the home after office. No maid, no support on top of it.
A tired mom will eventually screem on kids and that can never be a great childhood for the kids.

But my office could give me almost same salary (as per our cost of living) in my country, where I have so much helps. Kids are left in the safe hands, and building my own unique marriage isn't so tiring here.
I tried the above, and lost hope. So moved back.
In our case money isn't a concern. Because we make equal money here with a job and business.
But we have the luxury of living in your own country. The weather, the life style etc..etc.. suit us.
We may hope to return depending on the circumstance later on.

If you have a valid reason to return to India, you may always articulate your reasons to your H after a thorough analysis.
Your friends' return or these social media pictures are not valid reasons dear.

anika987 · Sep 30, 2016

SGBV said: ↑

Dear @anika987

I bet you have started this thinking process only after learning that one of your good friend had recently moved back to India.
Observing your other threads, I see a tendency in you that you always compare yourself to others, and want what others have.
It seems like you are unhappy about yourself, and have a very low self esteem.
That's why you try to copy others without having any analysis.
They are just my observations after participating a few of your threads here. Correct me if I am wrong.

Coming to your question...

India is not rosy as you visualize it from the movies or social media. It is the same life but on a different mode.
The fundamental happiness of your life lies on who you are. If you are happy within, you will be happy even in the amazon forest. If not, no matter how many people are living beside, you would still feel lonely.

Your Indian settlement is not gonna change your personality. It seems from your threads that you have a very low self esteem issues. You are a loner. And it seems you did not have a great friend circle back in India either (your high school thread).
I remember your rant about how you were treated badly, and discriminatory in Indian shops just because of your skin color, cloths etc...
Your husband is gonna be the same no matter where you live. He will not suddenly change to become a lovey dovy husband or spend time with you.
When you are not treated special with your husband, it is unlikely that you will feel special with the treatments of others.
Your cousins, siblings etc..etc.. will join you, party with you and post pics in FB whenever there is a wedding/functions.
But we have only a few weddings and functions coming up in every year. At least some 300+ days will have to be spent in a usual, routine way only.

I am a Canadian passport holder. But I live in my native country for a reason. I don't think life in the west is always better than here.
I am happy and proud about my childhood, and I bet many of my western friends did not have this cozy upbringing in their country.
It is not always about the country, but about the family.
My family had a wealthy background, and are very liberal. I had fullest freedom. I had so much friends, and with all this a great childhood.
So, I am so confident of my life. I am thankful to God and my family for that.
I have seen many girls from the US (who work with me as I work in an international organization) portray low self esteem and less confidence despite living in a first world country.
So, it is not always about where you live. But how you live.

I don't think I can give a great life to my kids back in Canada without any support. I am a social person, and I have so much bond with my family here. The lonely me can never ever be a great mom.
I see myself working like a machine to support my family there. Which will result my kids in a day care at someone else's care. I see my irresponsible husband wandering about the Canadian life, and my PILs try to hook him up in skype all the time. Which will again cause me to be a busy bee inside the home after office. No maid, no support on top of it.
A tired mom will eventually screem on kids and that can never be a great childhood for the kids.

But my office could give me almost same salary (as per our cost of living) in my country, where I have so much helps. Kids are left in the safe hands, and building my own unique marriage isn't so tiring here.
I tried the above, and lost hope. So moved back.
In our case money isn't a concern. Because we make equal money here with a job and business.
But we have the luxury of living in your own country. The weather, the life style etc..etc.. suit us.
We may hope to return depending on the circumstance later on.

If you have a valid reason to return to India, you may always articulate your reasons to your H after a thorough analysis.
Your friends' return or these social media pictures are not valid reasons dear.
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Yes maybe I have some self esteem issues but that has got nothing to do with me moving back to India.there r lot of people who want to move back to their hometown Be it India or elsewhere not coz they have an inferiority complex but long for other things.why they long for?life is so good where we are but it becomes "routine".we then get the privilege to long for simple desires.

Yes I may not have a great childhood,was a victim of bullying.only people who went through it knows how t feels to Be one.to be called out in front of your entire school and humiliated just coz you had failed in a particular subject because the teacher hates you secretly (taking revenge of my dad who tried to tell her something abt treating students better..)and to have kids even juniors on and off reminding you everywhere until u finish high school.the pain is real!that was just one incident.let's leave it at that and not talk abt it anymore

I may not have a great circle of friends but yes I did have friends and have touch with them for twenty years.they r not fair weathered friends and it makes me long for them as they r in India..

My family lives there and u miss then as they cannot take winters.if they are here life will be bliss! I do not know about the others girls in the organization but in USA leave me,but let me assure you coz I have living here for many years that American girls be it Indian American or others are very confident.Many of them are.

Yes fb does influence you.maybe should see it a little less.no one can be with 100 percent super confident.it is only human to accept your fears and talk about it.
My mistake?i talk a little too much abt my fears to my IL friends.now I realize.

I have my positive factors and many moments where I feel good and proud about myself too.again the Mistake is I do not talk abt that and focus on the bad.true I accept that.

I also agree that I have to raise my self esteem.i accept that too.

IL is my platform to talk about my feelings and thats how I see it.

Anyways,as everyone said I need to understand facts and priorities.need to work it out

Sparkle · Oct 11, 2016

anika987 said: ↑

preferably last

I feel lonely,crazy lonely.even when i worked..it was like going to job an coming home.then cooking,cleaning.
life is so monotonous/boring/very routine.hubby is so busy with his job and he has his circle of friends whom he makes sureto meet once every weekend.kid..you know kids..they are happy wherever they are.

I do not have much friends and the ones i knew moved back to India.i made some now but even when we go out once in a while,i feel blank.going out ,eating and coming home.those ladies are lovely people but it is so boring to go out here to thesame chillis,applebees,olive garden etc.everthing is zombie like..

I tried explaining to husband.i gave him two options..

1)you work in usa.u are busy 24/7 and you have ur friends over for weekend.I am dying here.let me go back to India with my kids.i have friends and family.that way i have support too.let's meet every summer.

he found this option aghast and accused me for being selfish!hello!what about me?what about my life?i cannot live like a zombie here.I need to see people,hear sounds.hubby loves usa,kid,it is her home so they will be ok. what about me?

2)let us all go back to India..

he said i will regret.why i asked.I am ready to give up the luxuries,vacations etc..
he said it is for kids..education wise and kids grow up with more confidence here and that i have the privacy to grow them up without any interference.also,my kid had this problem of speech etc and now everything is resolved thanks to lovely therapists.
he said facilities are more here for kids..
think about the kids..

To add fuel to the fire,today i met this Indian lady in a Parlor..the first things she spoke to me was"do you miss India?"i was suprised..i asked"why u ask?" she said"I am here for 10 years and we save every year just to go to India.my kids do not want to move back and there has not been one day where I have not dreamt of moving back."i felt sad for her.she looked so low..

Guys,you should see people in India nowadays..i see so many pics in Facebook. it really depresses me.they are living so well!friends,family,outings what not!
functions,festivals,movies..

Now,if you were me..would you go back and be in usa for the kids..
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Short answer: Maybe
Have faced his few times. Still going through changes. We live in an age where we (women) have to take care of ourselves along with our family. Being happy is not related to the job we have, the place we live in or the assets we own. Whenever I get this feeling, be it anywhere, I take it as a sign that I need a break from the routine and need something new. So I try different activities to see if it changes those feelings. I am not even close to finding 'it' but it has helped me a bit. Every time I try its a tiny step towards finding inner happiness.
I hope my suggestion is of help!