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Problems In Married Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pinky2cute, Sep 30, 2016.

  1. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Hello ladies,

    Though I had hoped that I wouldn't and shouldn't need to post here regarding my married life problems, yet here I am going through some rough phases in personal life right now.

    As most of you know, I got married 8months ago. It was an arranged marriage.

    Overall, my DH is a good person from heart but very immature & typical momma's boy. Though over these 8months, he is slowly growing up to be a man.

    I'm currently studying and staying in hostel while DH stays in different city with his parents. I had joined PG course before marriage so no choice but have to stay away from him for the sake of my studies.
    Also where I'm studying, he wont get well paid jobs.

    To cut story short, we didn't have enough time to bond during our initial days of marriage due to this.
    We couldn't even go for honeymoon or any trip till now.
    Inlaws are not so good but not so bad either. But they are too orthodox type and mil fears that her DS is listening more to me and changing a lot. She fears and emotionally blackmails my DH to not change for me as she fears I may separate him from them. Though I have no such thoughts but yes they interfere a lot in between us so I want them to keep away from our personal lives.

    My main issues with him are :
    1) As I'm studying and he is earning, he is supposed to take care of my expenses but he controls my expenses even though I'm very mature and sorted person and I spend every penny carefully without wasting it. He sometimes totally refuses to give money when we fight.

    There had been 2 or 3months where i had to ask my father money for my expenses as my DH used to give excuses like he is short of money or we fight t
    So he says he won't give me a single penny,etc.

    I feel so bad asking my dad for money even after marriage. Sometimes I wonder how the situation would be when I start earning after studies.

    In these 8m after marriage, DH got only one saree fr me that's all. He didn't spend anything on me apart from regular phone and net bills.

    2) he lies very easily though not to cause voluntary harm or cheat but because he wants to avoid confrontation on his immature mistakes.
    E.g. i ordered a dress online after asking him. He said go ahead and choose COD option for payment. I did the same and gave him tracking id. When the courier person called to deliver, he refused to pay money and get the dress. When I got angry and asked reason, he told lies like he got fever so he couldnt go to atm n withdraw money..inlaws went to some friends place etc.

    3) gets easily influenced by inlaws. He is very immature. While I'm highly practical and mature. He is brainwashed by inlaws to not listen to me and that as a husband he should dominate on me and make me losten n obey him etc. But I keep telling him that we are life partners so we both should treat each other equally.
    Problem is that his parents stay with him and when we both fight on phone on some matters, they shout from other end and interfere in our fights.
    Also DH has this habit that he goes n tells everything we discuss to his parents which i dislike. I told him many times not to tell his parents everything that happens in our personal life our our fights. He says ok and promises but he never keeps any promise.

    Positives of him:
    1) extremely caring- if I am not well, he would do everthing he can to comfort me and take care of me.
    2) he makes sure his parents esp my mil doesn't make me work too much in kitchen as I usually go hardly for a day or two in a month.
    3) he supports me sometimes infront of his parents when they object something said or done by me which they don't like.
    4) he is a reserved guy but in these 8m i have seen him ooening up and being more romantic with me than in initial days.
    5) he respects my family though he doesnt talk to them often but does enquire their well being from me.

    My issues may not seem big but of late I'm emotionally drained in this marriage. I want a transparent bond between me and DH and lay a strong foundation of trust, honesty, love,care and sincerity in my matriage but his immaturr behaviour puts me off.

    I feel it is because we two have not been living under same roof 24x7 so we are not able to bond well.
    Any expert inputs how do I form the strong bond between us since still 2yrs I need to stay away from him for my studies. How to deal with his financial irresponsibility towards me? How to make him realise that lieing to wife is not acceptable?

    One last thing- since we meet once a month or sometimes once in 2months, we have sex only that time. But of late, we have been fighting a lot and everytime it is me who has to call him and calm him then things will get back to normal.
    But now it feels like I'm losing my self respect by everytime calling him after fight and forgiving him for his petty lies, broken promises etc.
    He promises he wont repeat but the cycle continues.
    So now I don't even feel like having sex with him even those 1 or 2days that we meet in a month and half.

    Though we both enjoy it, I sometimes feel I'm used. He doesn't want to take all responsibilities as a husband but expect me to please him in bed as a wife and please his mom dad as DIL. Isn't that unfair?
     
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  2. CoolPie

    CoolPie Silver IL'ite

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    The first few months or years of marriage is the right time for establishing strong bonds with husband and its good you dont fight for petty things even though he is wrong. There is nothing that you are going to loose by submitting to him, its only you are gaining his affection more in doing so. Since you stay away from him and he stays with his parents, be careful not to pick fights with him.
    There is an easy way of brainwashing your hubby by his parents to pull him to their side. So understand this and keep calm when necessary. Its not about who wins in a fight, its about how to win his affection more and more, even by using small tricks if need be.
    If you feel he would say something to his parents, be careful in those issues and try acting smart. Just speak in a nice manner telling what you want and how you suffered without it. You Can apply this in money related issues. You are doing it to only to safeguard your marriage, so inwardly you know you are winning by doing small sacrifices.
    Remember, the first few years/months lay a strong foundation for a lasting marriage and so first always sacrifice to get something big in the long run. This way, you earn his trust and confidence even if someone brainwashes him or not.

    Its better to avoid confrontations in any marriage atleast for the first few years. I know its a bit hard to do so but we should always remember that we are only winning the hsuband's heart by sacrificing. These days this is very important in any marriage irrespective of the problems.
     
    dc24, pinky2cute and madras2018 like this.
  3. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    Been there and done that! Even though, I say many nice things about my DH (living to tell the story after decades!), when it came to money, he didn't pay for my education and the response was he couldn't afford (or didn't want?) to pay for me. I got student loan to complete my masters and paid off the student loan with my salary.

    This what I would recommend, don't ask money for your education and expanses. Borrow money from your parents/bank to complete the education and pay off the loan with your job.

    I bet, your ILs are "telling" him not to spend money for you and he is caught in the middle, feeling responsible for you. If you lift the money burden off of him, your relationship will improve. I know, what you are thinking, rest of my life wouldn't I share my salary with him? Yes, as you said, he is not mature enough to think for himself! He knows you only 8m and pressure/emotional blackmail from his parents weight much more.
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2016
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    He is your life partner, not your father.
    So, expecting your life partner to pay for your studies is not a great idea.
    Either you must have finished your studies before marriage, or saved something to pay your fees after marriage. If not, going for an educational loan is the good option.
    It is a shame to beg from your fussing spouse for fees and other pocket money.
     
  5. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for your inputs. I think you are right. I tried to do that too but I'm unable to act smart.
    I say things straight on face. I should work on that.
     
  6. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Thanks a lot for the reply. Yes i feel the same too. His parents are having full control on him.
    It's not just about money. It's about supporting as a responsible life partner.
    In future as you said, wouldnt the money that I earn belong to him too as much as its mine? I wish he had realised that.
     
  7. pinky2cute

    pinky2cute Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I was actually awaiting for your and yellowmango n guesshoo's replies but to be honest, I'm disappointed hugely after reading your "RUDE" reply.

    I think you didn't understand my problem here.
    It was them (guys side) who wanted to get us married now as they didn't want to wait inspite of us telling I still have long way to finish my pg course.
    Secondly, I do not "BEG" money from my DH for my studies and college expenses. I have taken loan from my parents for the same and will pay them back once I get a job.
    Thirdly, I believe that as life partners, we should share everything together and support each other.
    Right now as I'm still a student, it's obvious, I will need financial support from my DH for my personal expenses at least.
    In future when I get a job, I would not hesitste to give him the money I earn if he ever needs it or if he wants to study further in future.


    And I would like to ask you... what if a wife chooses to be a stay at home wife? So she shouldn't get any money from her DH ??
     
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2016
    blissofmylife and Narhari like this.
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If her dad pays, once OP starts earning she should give her money to him, not DH. :laughing:
     
  9. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    OP , If I am not wrong, you have decided to persue PG even before your husband and his family approached your family for marriage. You should have already set aside money to pay for the course and when you started studying. I haven't seen husbands funding wife's education unless she has started the course after marriage or has already earned enough to pay a major chunk the fees on her own. Have you discussed about who should pay for your education before marriage? If it was not discussed at all or if he hasn't agreed to pay, you should probably go for a loan.


    You have been married only fir 8 months now and you are not even living together. It takes years of living together and adjustments in arrangd marriages. I would suggest you not to concentrate much on your inlaws at the moment and works towards your relation ship with your husband as the first few years are very very important in laying the foundation for your future.
     
  10. Elsa

    Elsa Gold IL'ite

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    Not all the money that the OP earns should go to her father, nor her husband. She should be able to decide what to do with her money instead. She should give back the ,oney that she has taken from her father, but I think giving all the money that she earns to her father will only create problems and misunderstandings between her and her husband and may be inlaws too.
     

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