Sick Of Mil Drama. How To React

OMG, your narration is like an entire story of Tamil novelist like Lakshmi written in one paragraph. I am sure similar extrapolating narration is being given to the concerned MIL, if not through forum like this, through direct conversation, and how she should deal with her erring DIL. Basically both the MIL and DIL are being prepared for the war through their respective online/offline well wishers.

From the postings of this lady Sweetygals, one thing is consistently coming out, she is more worried about losing her "Control" on his man, than the tantrum of her MIL. Basically it seems to be the fight of two controlling freaks over a man presumed to be grown-up kid, considered as "mamma-boy" by his wife, and "under-the-thump" husband by his mother, both want to free the guy from each other.

History shows that, irrespective of gender, control freaks are actually insecure minds, find difficulty in trusting other, generally think that the opponents are keep doing something and conspire against them, and gives over reaction for every petty things directed at them. Such people have to work on themselves first.

 

@APS45, what is your analysis for the husband who is taking her wife to his mother's place like a goat for sacrifice to please the goddess....though i agree with you that wife should not be so insecure and should be more worried about his mother's tantrum...

stand up against the wrong, everything becomes right itself....

 

Fact is that these things happen in real life. Verbatim as the poster has mentioned. I laughed reading what the MIL would purportedly do - as this is exactly what my own MIL does. It was done so stealthily that it took me a long time to figure it out. I started my marriage on a very secure note but seeing my relationship with my husband repeatedly being spoilt for only one underlying reason - that I married my husband changed my attitude. I trust my husband to live months away from me but not even a few hours with MIL or even SIL such is their power to foment trouble. MIL does not have a problem with just OP. She would have a problem with any woman that OP married. Yes the problem lies in MILs head, but unfortunately OP has to bear the brunt of it.

IMHO your observation is correct, but DIL is also human only. Before chastisizing OP please figure out that this insecurity is a part of OPs mental makeup or is a reactionary behavior. There is a wonderful thread about cognitive bias - that we tend to hold opinions in random situations that match closest with our own experiences. Would request OP to go through it as I am talking here from my own experience only.

 

I had a big laugh after reading your first few lines. You have a valid point here.
OP, our sweetygals believe controlling her husband is the only choice left to lead a sane life despite of all her efforts to keep this marriage alive. If she can not control him, chances are very high that he will be controlled by someone else. Possibly by the MIL. Which is dangerous for the marriage.

Her post, and other narrations clearly say how much her man is controlled by his mom. He depends on her green signal when it comes to hire a maid to support his working wife, with a kid.
She goes on to say how much she had to struggle till she controls her life, aka control her husband to keep the basic things of life in place.

Such is the life of the DILs who has controlling, insecure MILs and a grown up kid as a husband. Usually such controlling MILs would never allow their kids to grow up.

As they say, such husbands (grown up kids) are like clay, you can make them to different shapes. If MIL can make him an evil, why can't you make him an angel.
Point is, the man in this picture is not grown up enough to become a husband.
Such men can't expect their wife to be obedient or even respecting to his decisions by thinking they are well meaning to the family. In fact, such men may poison their own family unknowingly as their blind trust on their parents will never let them to question.

There are plenty of unreasonable DILs too. Again, their unreasonableness will affect the PILs only if their sons-grown-up kids would let them to. Else, there will always be some balance.

Marriage is all about adjustments by the adults, who know what is the adjustment and recognize the adjustments made by their spouses. It is not about puppet show where parents pulls the strings and the puppets dances as per the parents' tunes.
If that is the latter, then the blame the puppet (either the husband or wife)

 

You nailed it

I would like to add:

1. Fake disease - my MIL was bedridden for a week coz she was so weak. She lost blood in tooth extraction. had typhoid - got diagnosed on 3rd day of fever and got cured in the next 3 days
2. Relatives illtreat her. How ILs dead for 3 decades illtreated her. It still makes her sad.
3. Wives come and go - only mother is irreplacable. Her love is unconditional.
4. He is the only one light in her life. Her parents and husband are long gone.
5. Manipulate small incidents with DIL to create a rift and then drive a wedge between the couple. In the fight between 2 cats, the monkey is the winner.

I am sick, old and lonely and you are the only one who can make it better. Did I not take care of you since birth.

I can go on and on and on.....
But OP is in a very difficult situation. I just pray you come out of it soon. I really have no advice coz both choices are equally hard.

Just pray that you find domestic peace and happiness soon.

 

tel to your mil that wife doesnt come and go, but remain there for 7 lives while mother is there only for 1.....so as par hindu philosphy its mother who comes and go....hehehhe

 

Ah man!!
The story of life. The differences are ,
1. Mine is a love marriage and I was expecting my MIL to behave like this.
2. My husband supports me which in turn irritates my MIL further.

You have got a lot of good advice here. In my opinion , if you trust your hubby and believe that he is gonna support you inspite of all her complaints then just let him meet her alone first.
And if she wishes to meet you guys after that and you believe that her intentions are good , you can visit her too.
But just have a healthy discussion with your hubby about this before he/all of you visit your MIL

 

Impossible ladies.