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How To Earn People's Respect

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by ChennaiExpress, Sep 21, 2016.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    As you know, I joined Toastmasters to improve Public Speaking, and now, learning Interpersonal and Leadership skills.

    Please help me with Interpersonal skills.

    Me: My last name sounds Muslim, I look Arabic, and one of my co-workers joined Toastmasters because of me, so he can get a job in my team (higher paying). It just so happens this co-worker is Muslim.

    My past speeches were about Indian culture, etc and you guys advised that in future, pick neutral topics.

    Considerable number of members are Jewish.

    I'm sure you are aware of tensions between Jews and Muslims, in current day, and even Bible days

    Now there is this Jewish lady who offered to help with Leadership of our Toastmasters club. Many people stopped attending the club after Summer vacation and we have low attendance. Few people even renewed for next 6 months.

    I was very greatful and suggested she should apply to my organization, because she seems talented.

    Yesterday I check upcoming Toastmasters calendar, and I noticed she signed up for two roles, i.e. speech and another role. We have rule that person can sign up for one role and if there are roles left over, then at day of meeting, person can have extra role.

    More roles person has, more credits they have towards Certificate.

    So, I emailed the lady. I thanked her for signing up to do speech, then I wrote I noticed you signed up for second role. I asked that she remove her name from it to give others chance to sign up for it.

    If role is still available day of meeting, then I will happily give it to her

    She replied, ok, but there is no shortage of roles.

    Then I responded, "That's true".

    It's been over 24 hours, I saw her log in, yet she didn't remove herself from role.

    See, to me it shows she had little regard for me.

    If someone would have requested me the same thing, I would have done so immediately.

    Once or twice I accidentally signed up for multiple speeches in one month (we have certain limit, unless speech is done through Back-up, because person who was scheduled to give speech cancelled at last minute), and when someone told me, I immediately corrected the problem.

    I guess I'm frustrated at how I've been letting other people treat me.

    I cannot undo all those speeches on Hinduism, India, God, Spirituality. I also spoke favorably about Muslims, i.e. they are Human Beings.


    What upset me most is, because of my lack of Interpersonal skills, I'm not sure if behavior is normal or not. If I was good at Interpersonal skills several years ago, I would have never married the monster I did.

    Imagine! I was Praising God for my good fortune of having married this person, not realizing he is worse than the devil himself!

    And I am 100% positive if I would have asked my Muslim co-worker the same thing, he would have immediately done it.


    Now, I act professional, act cordial, but not friendly of any sort.

    Where do I go from here?

    How do I get people do treat me with respect?

    How do I recognize disrespectful behavior, being brushed off, etc at it's roots so it doesn't grow further?


    It's the small thing in life that add up to the big things, so I look at things more carefully now.

    My biggest concern is how I will related to people when doing matrimonial alliance

    Toastmasters is simply a dress-rehearsal.
     
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  2. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Send her two three reminders.Include Toastmaster guidelines in each email so she does not take whole thing personally.If she still does not agree then leave it.Look If there are any rules in Toastmaster forum for dealing with this.
    About respect,people respect person who has power.Power comes from knowledge,authority,firm boundaries.
     
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  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    You accept that there is no shortage for roles. You acknowledge that with her, by saying "That's true" in your response.
    When there is no shortage for roles, why do you think that she should limit herself from applying for additional roles?
    If it is her first time, a reminder (which you have done already) would be enough. Because there seem to be no real issue here.
    She applied anyway, and you notified.
    Unless someone is waiting for a role, or complained, I wouldn't panic for this.
    However, it is important that she is supervised and advice beforehand the next time.

    There is nothing about being Jewish or Muslim here. It is no way connected to your marital status either.
    It is about reacting to a situation, and the counter reaction of other people.

    I feel you have reacted too negative. So the other woman did not pay that much attention to you.
    If your reaction was something positive, something like congratulating her for joining, and wishing her all the best, and perhaps politely suggesting her to take up just one role, and concentrate only in that so that she can give her best in it - something like progressive/positive opinion sharing... She would have remembered your sweetness, and responded to it favorably.

    If there is a real need to get her out from the second role, or there is a real short of roles in the toastmasters programs, then your concerns are valid. Else, your poking just because of rule is likely to be sidelined as if you are jealous, or interfering kind.

    Yes, I believe that you must work for your people's skill. That helps. Good luck.
     
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  4. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Well, there are no official rules, it depends on the club.

    And I'm learning to project myself as someone in control. I learned this in past few months at office when I would be overly friendly when mentoring people from other teams.

    At first, being overly friendly worked, but then other people thought I was dumb head and took advantage.

    Now I project myself professionally.

    I tie my hair back in simple ponytale and even wear button-down white-collared shirt (which management wears). Already noticing some improvements, but it takes time.

    Most importantly, I don't blab and chatter unnecessarily. That was one of the bigger problems

    Yes, I agree.

    By the way, I just checked the calendar, and she applied for one role :)

    I was just seeing how the person reacts to a simple request another person makes.

    In the past, I noticed being brushed off, and thought it was normal behavior. But now I am trying to discern what is normal, respectful behavior, what is not, or whether someone made innocent mistake.


    Yes, I guess I reacted negatively. I didn't tell her anything after that. I let things be.

    But I was really upset, hence the post :)

    A week before this incident, I congratulated her for winning a club contest. And when she said she is looking for job, I suggested that she check my organization, because she is good at certain skills.

    Hence, that is why I was more perplexed why she ignored a simple request.

    If it was me, I would have immediately done the needful.

    That's what I was concerned about even before sending her the email. I was thinking whether to send it or not. Because in previous week I told the co-worker who is Muslim to unsign for one role, and he immediately did it.

    But I guess it depends from person to person. A close relative might not mind my request, but a stranger might.

    Now I see how I may have come across......

    Well, a week later I presented her a trophy for winning runner up in a District contest. Hopefully that will give her nice impression :thumbup:

    Of course, I'm trying to work on these skills.

    Now I keep a diary of interactions and try to introspect.
    What was good
    What was bad
    How to improve
    What did I learn


    I am hungry for people skills :)
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2016
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Glad that you are working on this issue.

    But I think you are giving way too much importance to other people, and their reactions to you. By doing this, you are slowly being negative, loosing your self confidence, and trying to be a people's pleaser. Either way, it is not healthy, and constructive.
    Please disregard my comment if I have mistaken you. Because all I know you is the posts you share here. I am not a psychologist.
    Just sharing my opinion, after having read so many of your recent posts almost in the same line.

    Given the fact that you had a dysfunctional home when you were a kid, I believe it has affected your self esteem to some level. On top of it, your bitter divorce and the bitter experiences after that.
    Anyone in your shoes will be shaken, no matter what. This is not the time to exhibit your self confidence. However, this is the time where you must pick up the pieces, and set up a new life.
    Before you have become confident in yourself, it is unlikely to settle in anything, leave alone marriage.
    So, don't hurry up for now. Work on your self confidence, and building self esteem. You may find some courses or counselling sessions, since you live in the US.


    We live in a world where different types of humans exist. One may be people pleaser, the other may be arrogant, and someone else may be innocent etc..etc... and it is a mixed bag when it comes to interaction with people.
    So, how they behave with you should not determine your own character.
    Just because someone pleased you, doesn't mean you deserve it or you are anyway higher than them. There so many other categories to qualify there.
    At the same time, just because someone insulted you or did not respond to you favorable doesn't anyway make you an unworthy person.
    You are YOU. No matter how others behave with you. Your personality shouldn't change. It is the same.
    However, you may chose to have different attitude with different people, based on how they behave with you.

    Coming to the latest incident...
    This girl did not listen to your suggestion first, but you went on to check whether she listened.
    Then you felt bad, knowing that she did not listen. You compared her to the other man who would have listened you. You feared whether you are unworthy for listening or following, just because she did not listen to you in one such matter.
    Then you kept on checking whether she listened to your advice, and unsigned the other roles.
    You then worried why she did not listen despite of you have supported her before.
    Now you are happy that she unsigned, and believe it is because of your advice (perhaps someone else would have also advised her on the same line)
    And you think people would listen to you, if you go beyond your level best to support them like directing for a job, etc...
    If they respect you just for the favors you have offered, then the respect is not really for you. But for the favors. The moment you stop favoring, the will also stop respecting you.


    Generally, we don't bother how X, Y and Z behave with us, unless they are related to our heart so much.
    Like the case you have described above, I have also faced so many instances, where some people respect me and follow me religiously, whereas some people don't even care my advice.
    But it doesn't make me feel low, unless I am low in my mood and feeling rejected in life otherwise.

    So, your actual problem is not this. But your inner feelings and fear of being rejected. You try to check whether you are accepted or rejected in every single matter of your life due to this fear.
    This either make you a negative person or a people's pleaser in a long run.
     
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  6. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    Yes I have to get inner confidence in myself regardless of how others treat me.

    So far I am seeing people acting extra nice because of something I can give them.

    And it is obvious with some people. In this case it is a job in my team.

    My boss and I advised this person to study on his own time and work on projects to demonstrate genuine interest, rather than for extra $$$.

    I'm just seeing if there is someone who is interested in being a friend, acquaintance, etc for 'ME' rather than what I have or what I can do for them.
     
  7. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    Just observe women who are leaders and are in charge.How they behave how they carry them self,how they dress,how they talk.You will learn lot from it.
    eg You can observe Clinton,sherryl sandberg from facebook.
    OP this is something even I am trying to learn.
    Being overly friendly with staff below you does not work.Your observation is right.
     
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