Major Dowry Drama...should Wedding Be Called Off?

kris98 · Sep 21, 2016

GoodVibesOnly said: ↑

Hello ladies,

Thank you for reading my post and your advice would be much appreciated.

My wedding is scheduled for February 2017, after finally (after much drama) convincing my BF parents. Initially my BF and I met in a arranged marriage setting, however his parents were not keen on proceeding with the match due his older sister, who is now in her late 30s, still not being married, plus the parents in general (which I found out later to be very greedy and quiet manipulative). However, my BF fell in love with me at first sight & I reciprocated the same feeling as well, hence we swapped numbers and stayed in touch over the past 1 year and gradually feel even more in love. Recently this August, his parents agreed to our marriage, I was overjoyed, nevertheless my happiness was short-lived, as troubles began again.

His parents insisted that the marriage talks should only proceed through the match maker, hence the match maker started acting as the middle man. My BF's parents told the match maker that they would like my parents to give me almost 1.5kgs of gold, 5 kgs of silver, furniture for the US house, along with 400 grams of gold set for his sister (it is in our tradition that we give the future sister in-law a gift at the time of the wedding), also some property in my name, along with a grand engagement & wedding. My BF's parents insisted that this is not dowry, rather "gifts," but we knew better. My BF's parents always showed off that they were people of high morals, hence they would never take dowry, but this was clearly a lie for the general public. My parents are currently in the process of negotiating these dowry demands with them, when I found out and I was surprised and angered at the same time. I grew up in the US since I was 6 years old to a very conservative family; at the same time I know how to stand my ground. After hearing the dowry demands, I called my BF to ask if this was true. My BF is current on a holiday to India to visit his parents, so I called the landline to speak to him regarding this, he didn't warn me that the landline was on speaker, so his mother heard everything & shouted in the background "how dare you speak to us like this & we could have got more from anyone else." I think it's fair to say she was pissed & I was embarrassed that she heard our conversation as it was meant to be between me & my BF only.

I've waited over a year for the match to progress this far, even though I was aware my BF's parents hate me, I love him truly, hence I kept fighting for our love, but at every turn the parents are making it impossible for us to be together.

My question now is my BFs mother is pissed off at me for my forward questioning of their dowry demands (they feel insulted with the word dowry begin used, but would prefer "gifts"), and she may even call off the wedding. Should I keeping fighting for my love or cut my loses and run, as progressing further can be very difficult?

I’m very confused and torn at the moment. Your advice would be very useful. Thank you.
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Hi,

To be frank, even if you fight and get married, I doubt if the relationship would be a smooth sailing once she ur would be MIL is already pissed off with you.. I have experienced this and now even after 10 years me n my hubby dont share a loving relationship and even to this today his parents tell him it is so becoz I questioned their demands... so think over....

Secondly whats the guarantee that their demands would end with just this one?? If not....then your parents have to keep up with their never ending demands.....

It appears more of a business bargain to have their son settled lavishing on others money....does not give a positive vibe at all..... You should be valued for the person you are and not for the materials stuffs they get by going ahead with this match....

Also am wondering why would ur BF put the phone on a speaker.... I firmly believe that are some matters truly personal between a couple....

So do think over....its far better to stop the trouble at the start than regretting later...if you realize things late once married...things are only gonna get messy....now is the time.....do think friend

Iamagoodgirl · Sep 21, 2016

Op its only you can judge your own situation.
It has happened to my sister.Her husband took her side before marriage just to get married.( It was difficult for him to get married.He was not getting any alliances)
Then after that he was once again in his mommas boy position.

minn1 · Sep 21, 2016

yeah I feel like kind of adjustment from their side.why dont u wait forsome more time maybe an year to get married to this person .time automatically bring out few things ,then u can differentiate rice and bran.so before going all excited i wud suggest you to wait and see if any drama 'unfolds' dont trust blindly............anyway ur life gud luck

mysonmyworld · Sep 26, 2016

Dear OP,As minn1 said,wait for some more time. Don't hurriedly get married. Mine is a love marriage & my mil who lives in Hyderabad demanded dowry(gold as well as cash). Me and my then-bf were working in the US. Once I overheard their conversation...my bf said 'I earn well and I don't want my father-in-law's money to run my family'. All his relatives made a big issue because there's no dowry, different religion ( I didn't convert..I am hindu & my bf is Muslim) & I am dark complexioned. We informed our parents and relatives and got married in the US with our close friends around (court wedding). My parents visited us few months later and they love my husband as their own son. This is what a guy will do if he really loves you. Now,we moved back to India. My husband clearly told his relatives that he will stop visiting his mom and relatives if they disrespect me. Nobody interferes in our lives and we do attend weddings and visit his relatives once in a while. No issues.

kris98 · Sep 26, 2016

mysonmyworld said: ↑

Dear OP,As minn1 said,wait for some more time. Don't hurriedly get married. Mine is a love marriage & my mil who lives in Hyderabad demanded dowry(gold as well as cash). Me and my then-bf were working in the US. Once I overheard their conversation...my bf said 'I earn well and I don't want my father-in-law's money to run my family'. All his relatives made a big issue because there's no dowry, different religion ( I didn't convert..I am hindu & my bf is Muslim) & I am dark complexioned. We informed our parents and relatives and got married in the US with our close friends around (court wedding). My parents visited us few months later and they love my husband as their own son. This is what a guy will do if he really loves you. Now,we moved back to India. My husband clearly told his relatives that he will stop visiting his mom and relatives if they disrespect me. Nobody interferes in our lives and we do attend weddings and visit his relatives once in a while. No issues.
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God Bless.... Very well said....I hope your real life experience helps OP GoodVibesOnly to take the right decision before its too late

Roses3 · Sep 27, 2016

Hi, you don't sound like you grew up in US. If you and BF love each other, is its really so hard for you both to get married legally and start living a life of your own? It sounds funny that you have to give gifts. I too had the same problem when I got married, however, all my in laws knew I was totally against dowry and even when they demanded, the only person to whom I spoke was my husband and if he had told me that my parents had to give money, then I would have called off my marriage. If we, educated girls can't stand up for ourself who else will? World is big and this is not the end. also it is not possible to live with a man who thinks girls have to pay money for marriage. Think about it.

GoodVibesOnly · Sep 27, 2016

Thank you all for your well wishes, things are going great now

@Roses3 - Yes I agree with what you are saying, but please read my previous posts to get more clarity in to the matter. By the way, you seem to have a generalised misconception of how girls are when they grow up in a westernised country like US or else were, may of us are quiet traditional, even more so than those who have been brought up in India and are proud of our India roots. Yes I'm well educated with a professional job, however I personally felt more comfortable with an arranged marriage setting, this was my choice and yes there were talks of "gifts" which made me uncomfortable and my BF's family assured me and my family that this is no longer a issue. Plus my BF is a Doctor in the US (and Doctors earn handsomely in the US) and his family is very well off, so there is no question of extortion of money in the future, however at the same time we are happy to give the gifts and a grand wedding as we can comfortably afford them. My BF has spent a fortune on my engagement ring and is booking a reception venue of my choice in both US and India. So from our stance we are spending equally.

Rihana · Sep 27, 2016

GoodVibesOnly said: ↑

... Doctor in the US (and Doctors earn handsomely in the US) ...
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Your story has moved as fast as a TV serial that needs to be wrapped up by the month end as lead star is only available till then. : )

Doctors earn handsomely - depends on specialty etc, and they often have student loans to match.

GoodVibes, you are happy now, and wish you the best. May the gifts etc stuff be a thing of the past only. But, fact remains that till you put your foot down they _were_ demanding gifts, and your to-be husband thought it was 'tradition' only.

GoodVibesOnly · Sep 27, 2016

@Rihana
Lol, yes a lot went on in the weeks since I posted for advice, I guess that's life.

I've mentioned my BF's profession in a previous post as someone made the suggestion that he may be in it for the money, which was never the case (at least to my knowledge), plus in my previous post I did also mention that his attitude towards it being a 'tradition' had changed once we had a serious discussion upon his return from his holiday in India, you are welcome to read about it my earlier posts.

dnormx01 · Sep 27, 2016

Let's not judge the guy so much based on one thing that he said. If that were case and if he were to be so much into the 'tradition' thing, he wouldn't be buying her choice of jewelry etc. As much as she is new to et al, he too is. He did finally agree to OP and stand by her.

OP, your approach is correct. You stood up for yourself, stood firm and now are taking a completely informed decision of going ahead, with support from your parents and bf. Enjoy