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Have You Ever Felt Guilty Of Ending A Friendship?

Discussion in 'Friends & Neighbours' started by anika987, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Long time back I had posted some threads regarding ending a relationship..
    Now,this was about a friend with whom I just could not connect.I found her loud,blunt and intimidating but she feels she is being "real".My self esteem took a downhill when I was around her and she brought back some worse memories as I was a victim of bullying in my teen.I am basically a mellow person and I cannot be one of those bold women.Hence,it was tough for me to get along with her.

    So,maybe let us say she is a good person and I am supposed to "forgive and forget" in a relationship.However,I always felt that"I am in my mid-thirties and a mom.Why should I tolerate anymore?It took me years to come out of the pain of bullying and again being around her is bringing me those memories.Maybe she is not all that bad but still..I deserve to be around people with whom I am comfortable with"

    No matter how successful you are,it is very tough to trust again after being a victim to bullying.It is not easy.people who have suffered can relate to me.

    I try to move away from her very slowly,but she never let go!she tried to keep in contact some way or the other.I just could not confront her and just stopped responding.It has been two years.I feel guilty once in a while that I was rude to her and sometimes hate myself for that!Some of her very close friend's sons and daughters study in the same class as my kid.Don't know how that matters..or could it?Anyways..

    do i miss her?no.

    do I want to be her friend again?Maybe out of guilt by hurting her but honestly i still feel i should have been more careful in choosing friends

    My mind says"Maybe mistake is all mine?I should have stayed in touch..hmm..but come on,then I have to go out for dinners/lunches/movies and spend time with her. Everytime, am out with her I DREAM to be back home.."

    I just cannot connect with her in anyways.she is too much into luxury,brands half of which i have no idea of)and to be yelled at when she has mood swings..do i need all that again?why do i need to tag along with her?she was actually Ok in the end before ending the friendship but i am scared to get close to her.


    She had told a common acquaintance that she was very hurt by my actions..
    How do I get over this guilt?
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2016
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  2. kcb

    kcb IL Hall of Fame

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    @anika987

    You don't have to feel guilty about that. I am sure after a lot of thought process only you might have took that decision. There were only two options for you - 1. Either to confront with her OR 2. Slowly moving away from her.

    You took the 2nd option which is comfortable for you. I know it is really difficult to confront with people who are verbally dominant. They don't even let you confront properly. Again she might have tried to dominate you in that conversation also.

    You did whatever suits you. So forget about that now. Why to restart the friendship with her.

    Even I did the same with one family friends. They are not dominating, but very nosy people and too much of interfering and interested in our personal stuff. Doesn't even bother it causes disturbance to us. I never felt guilty about ending that friendship :)
     
  3. JustAnotherMom

    JustAnotherMom Platinum IL'ite

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    Why are you feeling guilty? I don't think there is a need to feel guilty.

    I have also done that. I can not confront people and can not be around bullies because later I feel angry at myself thinking why did I let them do again. What you did is the best solution, now, even if you meet her in a common place, can say a hello and no awkwardness is there. :) cheer up and move on.
     
  4. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks dear,
    this is a curse which sensitive people face..always wavering.thanks again for your kind words
     
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  5. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    thanks justanothermom:)
     
  6. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Another thing I wanted to add is,her best friends(3 of them) have kids who will be going to my child's class...
    now,her friends are very strong headed too.

    Just worried for my child..what if those kids bully my kid?or..
    what if my kid become friends with those kids and they get invited to birthday parties where I might have to face the ex friend?(considering she will be invited too)
    what if those women gang up on me..

    My kid is going to be 4 and unfortunately due to the cut off she will lose a year and end up with those kids in the same class..

    You may be wondering "why is she panicking so much?"
    "why is she thinking too much"?

    Again,my past surfaces again and again in everything i do.words can't say how much i try to be safe.It is sad..
    I have been a victim of severe bullying and no matter how good my life is the wounds are so deep..my mom had taken me to psychiatrists and that helped to regain my normal life to my extent..
    bullying is a sin and i do not want anyone to go through it..many can relate to me..
    I am just worried that my child should not face this too!it scares me to have my child in a class where those kids are too..am ashamed to be scared of innocent children but their moms scare me coz they r her friends..
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2016
  7. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    sometimes I cannot figure out if i was too sensitive or if she was being rude..
    for eg:
    when I once said I wanted to wear a particular dress i saw on a magazine,she retorted rightaway"to wear that ,you need to have a toned body"

    Another time,when my pilates instructor helped me out in the gym and said that she would like to train me,i said"she likes me i guess"feeling good someone is beng encouraging.for that she immediately retorted"she will like anyone who pays money,not you alone ok"..

    I felt i was judged with my dressing,if i brought a bag and she does not like it,she cringes her face but smiles and says"it's nice"..

    another time when we were shopping,i bought a red chain and was preferring a green.we searched and i finally found one.she immediately took it and wore it and said"mine".i thought it was rude..

    When she was advising her daughter about something on and on,i interfered a bit which i agree i should not have..
    for that she said"i am a mom and i know what i am doing.i am more independent and matured than you"..i felt stung..

    if i shrug my shoulders,she thinks i am rude and shows faces and does not talk for two days..

    so many other little things..it may be big or small..

    anyways,i am not perfect.i do not talk well.but one thing i am is i am calm and say things diplomatically.
    my ex friend may be right..yes i may not have a great body or beautiful etc but she is blunt.it stings,it hurts.
    that's where the disconnect it.i could not handle the bluntness..maybe she will be ok for sometime, but again what if starts?something triggers and she is blunt again?

    so i opted out..
    i am saying this coz you guys should know the truth.probably iam the bad person..
    i feel guilty..i can see so many women with so many friends.probably at my age,i should know to handle bluntness.me being sensitive has caused pain to another person.

    even now,i do not want to be her friend coz we do not connect but could have handled things better.

    Sorry for the vent,i know i am being very sensitive but kindly understand my past and am trying to be a better person in the future.that's why such a long post.i do not want to hurt anyone else because of my nature.you can give me tips also.
     
  8. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Anika, I can see you are really worried about this, and it is eating you up. Yes, it is a pain when our own friendships and broken relationships interfere with the friendships of kids. But, you are really worrying too much and way too early. You have the advantage of being forewarned. So, take things as they come. Try to widen your kid's circle of friends. Do not discourage her/his friendship with your nemesis' bestfriends' kids, but don't overly encourage it either.

    Small steps like enrolling your child in other activities can help. Also, do not rule out the possibility of resuming a little bit of contact with this lady. Sometimes, for our kids, we have to put up with some people. If you spend some time finding the right words and tone, you can figure out how to talk with her to the extent needed for kids' playdates and for attending common parties.

    Your background, and your past, is understandable, and your dread of dealing with her, is also understandable. But, as a role model to your child, you have to conquer these fears a bit. We all have such friends/acquaintances who speak like she does. You learn to deal with them. When my kids were younger, there were occasions when I made DH deal with the parent dropping off the child. : ) As kids grow older, the interaction between parents becomes even lesser.

    Even now, if I am dropping off my child in the morning, and I am in ahem.. 'casual' wear, with hair secured in the rubber-band from the newspaper plastic bag, I cringe as I drive my low sedan, and the 'those' moms drive by in a higher SUV or van and can peek in. : )
     
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  9. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    My thread maybe beneficial to other sensitive people also..
    good idea..i will make hubby go to these birthday parties:)
    finding a lighter side in my sorrow tale:)
    thanks rihana..
    also out of curiosity, how often do the parents meet?
    my kid will join elementary only when she is six, and i do not know how often do big birthday parties exists amongst kids
    also, those friends are neighbors with my ex and that is what is worrying me..but thank god i do not live in the same community as hers
     
  10. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    I think until kids are 6 or 7, parents hang around in the birthday party if it is at a birthday venue like a games arcade. Other than b'day parties, parents might meet if kids are in same class, and working together on a project, or rehearsing for school play.

    If I were in your place, I would try to encourage my child to make friends with non-desi children. Those have been the easiest for me. You know the other parent just enough to make sure their house is safe, and you talk just about school, teacher and so on. If wavelength matches, it goes on to become a friendship, but still main common ground remains kid, and school, or whatever activity kids do together.

    Another thing you could do is get involved in school activities. Join the PTA, or bring an activity to the school that is not already there. Like spelling bee, or math olympiad, or QuizBowl. That will make you the sought after parent. And kids will know you by name, and call out 'Good Morning Mrs. <name>', 'Hi... Mrs. '... on the school ground. : )

    LOL.. this strategy-building is like one of Ekta Kapoor serials and one bahu competing with another....

    Does the school have a drop-off area where parents volunteer? Opening car door, and helping kid out, helping kid get the backpack.. and hastening the parents to keep the line moving? Volunteer for that..

    ok.. i rambled... just keep some perspective.. all these things have a limited lifespan...
     
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