Can Mom Be Cruel?

Hi Ilites

It has been so long I am here but it is home as always.

The relationship between my mum and me has always been rocking. She is a perfectionist and expects everyone to be the same. There are multiple instances where she shamed me and belittled me before an audience ,rattled me to the extent that I wanted to run some where far away.

An example would be - I send deposit money to open a deposit to her (She works at a bank) and she opens a deposit. Once I asked how much did I save? She told me x amount and I was sad that I culd only save only that much even after working so much and told "oh.. did I save only that much?" it was not a question it was thinking out loud. She shouted quarelled telling I never stole your money, how dare you say that to us?". Next day she made my dad send an excel sheet with full of when I sent which amount and how much is deposited etc etc which was completely unnecessary. I mean with whom else can you think out loud?

Once my MIL asked me " DIL, do you play any games? DId you play in childhood" Imeediately my mom responded, "How can ppl who are short play any games? They cant play". Even my MIL was taken aback.

When I am pregnant, she came to my house for few days. I wanted to eat fish a lot. But I could not stand the smell and cook it. So I asked her to prepare. That was the day they were leaving. She shouted at me telling "you never understand, how can I cook fish now, I have to make vada for your husband" . She shouted at me so bad and she told me to sweep the house (i was 3 months then) and since my dad already bought fish she cooked it. She didnt even give me breakfast when she asked me to sweep the house. IT is not like I left all the work to her. There was no need to prepare vada (which is a bit complex). We would have been ok with Idli. Since she and her son in law likes vada, she prepared vada. After eating the fish, I fell ill. She called me and shouted that I am a glutton always and don't see my health etc etc etc.

If I keep writing, I will have to tell some hundreds of incidents. She never visited me again during pregnancy. She had leg pain so I was concerned that she will be too tired if she comes here and cancelled her tickets. Everyone in our native asked her it seems why are you not going to your daughters place as she is pregnant? She was very angry at me that everyone is asking nto that I am struggling. I used to travel 50 kms daily and still manage house all alone even during my 9th month.

When I was on hospital bed and had a c-section and having coffee, she shouted at me for not doing things fast enough. After my delivery she shouted each and every day that I am not waking up early in the morning (my baby used to keep me up msot of the time and since she has to go to office next day I usually used to sleep in a separate bedroom so that her sleep is not disturbed). When she comes in the evening she shouts at me that I didnt fold clothes or didnt do some work. My baby was very cranky for the first three months. I usd to be alone a thome and at times, I used to carry her in one hand and eat as she used to cry a lot if I put her down. When I cried and told why are you shouting at me like this, she emotional blackmailed me telling who will take care of your sister? Have you ever thought of her marriage? Have you serached any alliances? (She is 22 then) You are very selfish, you always think of yourself.

The relationship is so toxic that I wont even listen her words sometimes.I am never never good enough for her. Even now, when I am working, taking care of my child , she always tells me I am worthless and I dont take care like she did for me. Today too when I told that we are planning second child, she very tauntingly told me "First, learn taking care of one kid" She told it in a really bad tone. I am so tired trying to impress her because no matter whatever I do , she never has a single good word.

Its taking too much toll on me. If I go home, I am scared to get up a little late or sleep in the afternoon or eat a little more food. It is like walking on eggshells everytime I am there. There is no solution for this, but am just venting.

 

No equanimity.. none ever

 

After talking to you all here, I think counselling is needed. Most of the times, I force my husband also to conform to her. This leads to so much quarrel between us both and I should stop doing that. Often he is right and mom is wrong. And I guess I cant do it alone. I need someone to guide.. It is so rooted in me that whatever activity it is I think whether she approves it or not -including the dresses my husband loves and buys for our daughter.

Like you said I need to reduce the communication. Even before my daughter she shouts at me and tells me I am wrong so many times. May be I should reduce the visits as well.

 

Sister shouts at my parent,holds grudges on them and stops talking for a while. My mom is ok with that and when she doesnt speak she gets too worried and sad that she isn't speaking. But in my case it is not like that. I be the good daughter ,be responsible, call and take care, consider their troubles but still she treats me this way.

My dad is suffering a lot. She constantly shouts on him, rants, etc. He always lies to make her listen what she wants to. He may not open up but I know his feelings. I am scared to open up this matter with my sister or father because if they tell to my mother I just can't bear her anger or those words.

Infact, after the treatment during my first pregnancy, I decided not to go to home for delivery. But she was worried about what 'Char log' will think about her if I dont go there during pregnancy and super angry on me for even being mentioned. She told this "Even daily labor will bring their daughter for 6 months, so you come stay for 6 months and go do whatever you want". I dont understand what her reference even means. Even when she didn't come even once to my house during my pregnancy, she threatened me that it is my responsibility to make my inlaws not to say a single word against her. How can I control some one else's mouth? Still now, I cover up to my MIL telling that my mom is unwell had fracture and all lame reasons and lies.

I even thought to never have a second kid because of her as I really don't want to go there and face all that rant for every single thing I do. During my baby's cradle ceremony, my in laws and their relatives were present. She asked me to decorate the cradle with flowers. I asked how shall I put? this way or that way? She gave me big lecture on how I lack creativity, how I need to be taught everything, how I am good for nothing etc etc. My inlaws were staring at me in shock.

 

Oh I am scared of her big time. Last time I was in my MIL's house and we were supposed to go to her house that day. My husband went on some work and he got late due to that. Meanwhile, I got very tensed up of what she would shout about becoming late and got very worried and in that tension, i shouted at my husband for becming late in front of my inlaws. there is no mistake of my husband, he went on a bank work and it got later there. Later when I analyzed, I felt so bad for my behavior and felt only because I was tensed. There were no trains to catch, nothing imprtant, we have 4-5 days leave left, yet I felt so scared.

I can never be what she wants me to be. I will find out that book and try to read. But sometimes I think am I overreacting? because moms always take care and love their children. I keep doubting myself am I doing anything wrong ? But very casual things also trigger her and when you are with parents, you try to be the actual self you are and you dont act.