1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Wandering Minds Of Newly Married Guy

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Diesel72, Sep 26, 2016.

  1. Diesel72

    Diesel72 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Hello Ppl,

    Just trying to hear some thoughts from women folks here.

    I got married a year ago, it was an arranged one. I work outside the country. I spent a month or so with my DW visited a few times, in the process of relocating her. I will be spending next couple of months with her.
    Everything is going good. Except for some weird reason my DW is not getting closer to me. Sometimes she does not even like touching me. We never did it. She talks well with me and everything. I think she likes me but I cannot figure out what is going on. Its been frustrating for me, sometimes its pushing me away from her.

    On the background, I never had any prior long term relationships before. She seems to have had old one but I told her not to discuss with me, I don't need to know. I find it stupid that ppl talk about all this in first night and do not engage in activities, such a turn off even though I was positive. I do not think she has any past hangovers.

    Now on the other hand, I have a few female friends now. Couple of them do like me more, so it is not like I m unattractive. I have been trying to avoid any accidents. I am not trying to justify looking outside but my mind always gets into 'What if' comparisons or in Alternate universe where I could have dated other ppl.

    Is it normal that ppl stay like that for longer periods, I have not heard any stories like these.
    I m in early 30s, its hard to get thoughts out of my mind, it does feel torturous I was better off when I was single. What would I need to do differently.
     
    Loading...

  2. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    890
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    This is the part that you have to work on.

    It is normal for a newly married guy to have desires, and when they are not met at home, your mind is wandering.

    Instead of wishing you didn't wander, why don't you get to the root of the original problem: lack of interest in your wife?

    It is trying, but you have to move slowly. Why don't you try talking, seeing what activities she likes, doing them, and then slowly getting physical? A lot of women find it difficult to get into the physical act, without a strong emotional bond.

    So work on the bonding between you two first. You both are young, and have your entire lives ahead of you. Everything will then naturally fall into place.
     
  3. Diesel72

    Diesel72 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    4
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Well, I am very much interested in her.
    It is just hard to get traction on anything, she does not share things.

    We do thing together, but she does not show much interest in me. Example is playing game on phone when we are supposed to be talking, or playing with pets, etc.
    Again I might be comparing her with others.

    I am not talking about doing it in one go. But simple things like holding hands, etc.
    Girls I have dated first time act much more closer than what we have now.

    I m sure we will continue to work on it. But it is draining me out without much response from the other side.
     
  4. beautifullife30

    beautifullife30 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,214
    Likes Received:
    2,439
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    OP,

    Try to put her in a comfort mode and get closer to her...I meant bring her mental barriers down and go to the physical level.

    If you feel she's not responding, then why don't you just ask her directly.....

    ....ask her what is frightening about the physical part...seeing how you guys are married for over a year now, I don't think there's any harm in you talking to her on this directly. Tell her that you would like to get physical, ask her if she's afraid of anything, or concerned about a health issue!

    Everybody has needs. Your spouse is the one person with whom you should be able to discuss about these needs without any qualms - IMO.
     
    ShabnamF likes this.
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I think she has a mind block. She doesn't feel like married to you completely. Until and unless she is freed from that block, I don't think she will magically turn normal.

    She wanted to share her past with you for a reason. She wanted to share, and see how you react to it. If you are positive, there is no harm in listening to it. I am sure, that she is not gonna be so open about all that to make you embarrassing.

    Just listen to her.. She may have some secrets, she may have a valid reason to stay like this.
    Clear her mind. Assure her that you are ready to accept her as who she is. Assure her that her past (whatever it is) is not gonna influence in your present marriage with her.
    Speak all this openly.

    Since you didn't want to hear her story, this time you must probe it for the details.
    Be patient, and wait till she comes up.

    Wish you good luck
     
    Lathasv, MNR and NeetaR like this.
  6. MNR

    MNR Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    323
    Likes Received:
    363
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Gender:
    Female
    First thing this is not normal..
    Why cant you bring her to city you are living or try to relocate to her city. First stay together.. This is important in initial phase of marriage.. Staying apart even after 1 year of marriage is a red flag here. She may not be trusting you yet.


    As @SGBV told, she may have mental block, this could be because of past or could be that not comfortable with you yet. Not every woman will bump into physical right after marriage.. Men will initiate to prove his manly.

    There is no need for women to prove, no social pressure for it. Though they get attracted to man, they take a time to fully involved.
     
  7. ShabnamF

    ShabnamF Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    346
    Likes Received:
    436
    Trophy Points:
    130
    Gender:
    Female
    Talk to her. Honest communication is very essential from both the sides, you should openly discuss the issue with her, may be she has a valid reason, but no one can help unless the reason is known. She was ready to share about her past relationship with you, try to talk to her about it, may be that has something to do with her behavior. Make her feel comfortable, you can do that by sharing more about yourself, it will help build the trust. If she starts opening up to you, appreciate it, it will help her to open up to you fully.
     
    MNR likes this.
  8. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,628
    Likes Received:
    1,408
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    There is possibility that this women is attracted to you or she still has sense of loyalty towards other guy.
    Whatever the reason this is not normal.In normal case women are excited to see their H.If she is playing mobile games while you both are together there something seriously wrong with the relationship.
    You need to be bold and ask her questions like If she really likes you or she married you because of parental pressure?If she is over her past?
     
    rajkumarxxx likes this.
  9. rajkumarxxx

    rajkumarxxx Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    37
    Likes Received:
    30
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Male
    Sir, I Guess there is some misunderstanding here. Every reply above from women are out of the assumption that you haven't had love making with her even once. I mean your marriage is not consummated, even once.

    After a year and with months of living together, was that the case ? I Guess, you are talking about the failure to establish a relationship, here. Not the act of love making.

    Correct me, if I am wrong
     
  10. cheenu123

    cheenu123 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    519
    Likes Received:
    623
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    Dear OP,
    Please take this issue SERIOUSLY!!
    Take her to a counselor. She needs to vent.
    Even if the marriage consummates she will never enjoy and you both will never have a strong intimate bond.
    One year is too too long!
    Be practical. Pamper her. Arranged marriages need work.
     

Share This Page