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Cowboys And Indians

Discussion in 'Snippets of Life (Non-Fiction)' started by Balajee, Sep 21, 2016.

  1. Balajee

    Balajee IL Hall of Fame

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    Hurray!! We are back again in the ye olde wild west but with a twist. Instead of Indians scalping cowboys, cowboys are now scalping Indians. This wild west is not of 19th century America but 21st century India. And “cowboys” are our dear gorakshaks and Indians why India itself is at the receiving end of their vigilantism.


    And they are going great guns with full blessings of the powers- that-be. In states like Haryana where cops are not able to protect women from being raped, they have set uop a force to protect cows and find out what is on your dining table and haul you up over hot coals if they discover what they think is beef on your plate.


    Now, now we are running into serious difficulties. How do they tell beef from some other carnivore’s delight, say mutton? The taste of the pudding or beef, is in eating. So they should taste it to find whether the guys at the dining table are guilty or not?


    Here you may fly off the handle. Arrey papi, anachari, apachari, durachari (feel free to add here as many expletives as you can remember that are in mythological/devotional movies and serials to describe the baddies) how can the protectors of the holy cow eat beef? But this is a catch 22 situation mate. If you don’t eat beef you won’t know it is beef. If you eat it you become a sinner who would be roasted as a seekh kabab over hellish fires in the hereafter and in the present life will be lynched by fellow cowboys who would reserve for themselves the right to have lot of fun with your family women (Without their consent, of course) . Is there no way out?


    Yes there is! When there is a will there is always a way. Our great ancient (allegedly timeless) religion has more loopholes than the Indian Penal Code. There is one panacea for all sins Ganga water. Take a bite of beef and then a swig of the holy water. And lo! You are absolved of all sins including that of sinking your teeth into a piece of sacred cow.


    Seriously? You don’t expect our good gorakshaks to keep running to fetch Ganga water? Of course Ganga water can be sold to them bottled. But here we run into another problem. How do you recognize the real McCoy? How do you know it is the real Ganga water and not Aquaguard water or something? Elementary, my dear gorakshak. As soon as Ganga water hits your alimentary, you will feel a queasy feeling in the stomach because it is highly polluted while your ordinary bottled water or water purifier aqua is not. To check whether it is genuine Ganga water or not you can down the whole bottle and the chances are that you would rush to the loo within minutes.


    Now please don’t pull your hair when I say there is another problem here. What if punters eager to get rich quickly sell you water from the friendly neighbourhood sewers instead of Ganga water? Granted all Ganga water is sewerage But all sewerage water is not Ganga.


    That is why our cow-loving rulers should hand over the monopoly of bottling Ganga water to reputable big firms. Say Modi’s buddies Ambani and Adani can make a fortune on it. Since government loves giving subsidies to all and sundry, including terrorists, it can subsidize it making its moneybag friends’ wallets fatter at taxpayers’ expense.


    To assure our beloved gorakshaks that it is genuine Ganga water, the BOTTLE labels can carry lines like “100% NON-POTABLE WATER. YOUR MONEY BACK IF YOU DON’T FALL SICK AFTER DRINKING THIS”.


    And if you fall sick and kick the bucket after purifying yourself with a swig of the holy water after enjoying your beef, gorakshak, you should be given a bravery award and if you are a cop saddled with the task of protecting cows, you deserve a president’s police medal for the heroic act of daring to fall sick and die.


    “DIE!!!!!!!!?” Come on my intrepid bovine guardian why are you shivering? It is not even winter yet. What is your life worth if don’t put it on the line for protecting your dear mama, I mean the holy mother cow?

    gOMATA KI JAI!!!!!! GANGA MAIYYA KI JAI!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    kaniths and Bubbles like this.
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  2. shobhamma

    shobhamma Gold IL'ite

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    Lets convince these Go rakshaks to be more pro active to become Border rakshaks and send them to Uri or such like places. They will "save" Bharat mata to make it a safe place for Go Mata.!
     
  3. Balajee

    Balajee IL Hall of Fame

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    Will they march in boots made of cow leather as bharat rakshaks?
     
  4. shobhamma

    shobhamma Gold IL'ite

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    No
    Bhains leather.
     
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  5. Balajee

    Balajee IL Hall of Fame

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    If they want even cow leather will be bhains leather But even if those they hate wear leatherite shoes that will be deemed cow leather shoes
     

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