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Please Advise Me On What's Bothering My Husband.

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by apuviki, Sep 6, 2016.

  1. mfbtnuae

    mfbtnuae Senior IL'ite

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    Dump him. He's a certified loser. By God Almighty girl, you are carrying this pati prameshwar thing too far. Where are the people who are supposed to support you? Your parents siblings relations friends? Your hubby sounds like a psycho. You deserve more love, more respect, affection and security. (Hugs)
     
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  2. Sags

    Sags Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP i dont know if am comparing apples with oranges but i have seen similar kind of situation. I have my brother who got married 4 years ago and my SIL said from day one he is conpare what ever he does to my mom. He was very irritated all the time and with in one year of their marriage our father got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and cause of this my bro was more irritated. He would never accept what she does. Complaints about everything even the way she sits in the coutch. My SIL doesn't have mother so initially she dont have any1 to share. She never told me as obviously she is talking abt my bro. But now after 3 years they are happy couple. I just want to say that you need patience to things to work. you already knew abt his live in before marriage so i think you must be ready to face this. Y cant you ppl just start as frds first. And i am not sure if this happens if you are nt together meaning under single roof.
     
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  3. Joyoflife

    Joyoflife Gold IL'ite

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    Op you sound like a very naive person at a very vulnerable stage of life. Parent battling with a serious illness can shake even the strongest person. Put your husband on the back burner for a while and give all your attention to your mom as well your studies. Regarding your husband he is an extremely cheap person. Who knows that you are a soft target and hence hurting you all time. I must admit that his ex is surely a smart women that's why she dumped him. Fixing him will be a long battle and needs a thorough commitment from him, which seems like a big ask from him. I also beleive that no change in circumstance can fix the defect of a character. I do not mean to hurt you by these blunt words but that's how I see it. Thank your stars that you got to know the real him before planing your family with him. I do not mean to discourage you but be strong. Leave things as they are for a while and see what that foolish man does to fix things up from his side. Try to make a strong bond with divine and ask for guidance. Pray a lot for your mom. Prayers are the strongest healers. Recently My dad was fighting with death badly and was revived only because of prayers. Both me and my brother were completely shaken at that time and were not even able to take very small decisions. So leave things as they for now until mom is better and you are done with your studies. Until then let the psycho realise his mistake, do not shower him with any emotions. Pray to God to let your life move on in the divine order and you will have all your answeres and strength soon. Keep mil out of the mind, it's not her fault she is a typical mil who has to blame dil for all her angel sons mistakes. Sift your priorities and emotions and ask for strength and healing from the divine. I very sure you will be shown a very clear way soon. Do not fall for the emotional traps like I love him and all that, if he is worthy of your love he has to prove that. Remember respect comes before love.
     
  4. apuviki

    apuviki Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear @Sags many thanks for writing to me. I understand marriage is a serious business. In this line, I expect both parties to be emotionally connected well to understand each other's perspective towards life, and respect each other's space. I have been knowing my husband since last Oct, and he always seemed to appear as the perfect gentleman. I initially respected his intention to get married to a divorcee and fighting against his parents for the same reason. I was certainly sad for his ex as she lost her chance and was equally angry for what she did to my husband. (But I din't want to over think about her situation, as what made her to cheat on my husband, perhaps she could have her reasons against my husband). But his will to marry a divorcee and fight for it against his friends and parents floored me. While my profile was up on matrimony, he was one of those very few grooms who took it 'very healthy' to marry a over qualified woman. I have two masters in the UK, and I'm currently on my PhD now while he has a Masters in the US. He was very supportive of my career and even said okay for me to be in the UK, finish my PhD and then join him in the US by 2017. But I always fear for distance in relationships, and I thought of getting a visiting fellowship in the US and be with him while I get on my write up phase in my thesis. He even said that I don't have to be finding researchers within his state and was okay for me to do fellowship anywhere in the US. While his mom was constantly nagging me for not choosing anywhere else outside his city, he was very supportive of me. He equally understood to not rush for kids and was okay to start a family only after I finish my PhD and get a full time job in the US. Even when his family demanded that I give all my jewels to them to be kept in their locker, my husband stood by me when I gave a big no.

    I always carried high esteem for him in these regards and for this impression, when I saw terrible mood swings with him initially, I had the resilience to put up with him. I genuinely believed he is a nice guy, and din't want to run away for the mood swings. I spent exactly 5 weeks in the US with him. In the first one week I was in there, there were absolutely no comparisons between me and his ex but he was often irritated with me for no reasons. Like you mentioned, even I was scolded for sitting on the bed to study or to sleep in the noon. And he would constantly be shouting at me for these silly reasons for at least more than half a day. I always tried to ignore it under the assumption that he is probably stressed out at work. Most often I wouldn't argue back and would go submissive to make the home a better place. After marriage he was over conscious with my eating habits because I was gaining weight due to my PCOD. Once I served upma and pickle for him and he finished the upma alone. I am fond of licking pickle and I grabbed his plate to lick the left over. He sat besides me saying don't do it, it has the tendency to retain water on your face and make it bigger. I ignored and continued licking it, that's when he got annoyed at me, poured a glass of water on my plate and left the place. THAT WAS RUDE. This was the very first incident that told me there is something very serious. We live on the fourth floor and one day when we finished shopping and came back home he urged me to climb the stairs instead of taking the lift. I declined saying I have severe back pain and stomach cramps due to my periods. Despite that he literally dragged me up and I myself can't come to realisation yet that how did I let him do it to me. (Yes, I LET HIM, MY BAD I DON'T KNOW HOW!). The next noon as I was with severe back pain, I felt the need to lie down for a nap. I slept until the evening he came home to find me sleeping. I woke up immediately after he opened the door but never went back to sleep. Finding me sleeping annoyed him very badly. He claimed that I am very lazy and if I need rest, I should go back to India to take rest at my parents place. He said I cannot lie down in the noon as my wish at his place (we are sharing 50-50 rent). He was very very rude! It surprised me and I argued back. The next thing he said, my ex never complained about such things, she was healthy and active unlike you. That got me realise he isn't in his right mind and something IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH HIM. The next day from there on, he went on becoming a comparing spree. Things strained more when the constant comparisons happened on a daily basis and at times in ugliest ways. In the process, he expected me to create transparency with my bank accounts and I denied. He complained to his mom that while he is being transparent with his bank accounts, I wasn't giving him access to mine. Yes, I din't want to give access because I was always annoyed at him for the way I was treated. I know things were getting blown away between us but I patiently waited only because I already had my return ticket booked for India end August. I was planning to come down to India end August for a week to finish my pending field work and then go to the UK, attend my review and finally fly to the US by 15th Sept.

    I was able to withstand his tantrums as I had support from his mom, my mom, my aunt and my friend. When I wanted to come back right after the second week, both parents told me that I should be little more patient and things should be fine (they were not aware of the gravity of the issue I was going through). His mom was little supportive in the beginning saying, I understand my son is very much short tempered and whenever he is irritated learn to ignore him. She said if I giive him the space, he would naturally cool down and come back. I did that and it worked a few times. He too came back saying sorry and bought me something out of love like cake shoes and stuff. As good and bad were constantly wavering in front of me, I always felt the need to withstand to see how it goes until I leave for India. I initially talked about his behaviors with my school friend and she was very understanding and helped me to handle him in a better way. She was never encouraging me to get rid off him right away, but always told that we both need counselling to lead a more harmonious life. She arranged for a counselling session with her friend and the counsellor rightly said, he is in the rebound and that is the reason why he is not emotionally able to connect himself to this rship. The same day most of you in here on IL too informed me about his rebound. I can't tell you how much relief it gave me while I was very much stressed about my career and my mom's health. She stressed that he is struggling between his past and the present reality and a therapy will certainly help him. She also pointed that while he is still good for his ex, when he realises the reality, he will certainly be good to me too. So, I asked myself when he is able to be good for the one he loves, when he realises the reality, won't our lives be better? I also asked myself, will I leave him if he ever gets his tb back? I told myself NOOOO. To me, both tb and his rebound issues appeared the same thing.

    Many of you here told me that I am being very naive. I COMPLETELY AGGRE ON THAT. I looked naive to most of you because I figured out that he is seriously mentally imbalanced. I clearly saw that he lacked rationale thinking in many contexts, that I have quoted a few above too. The day he hit me, he cried out that honestly he has no feelings for his ex, and would never think of going back to her for a long term rship, but at the same time he cried louder that he can't understand what takes him always back to her memories and why he can't stop thinking about her. All his friends in the US are honestly very nice people, down to earth. They were very supportive of him when he was lonely and they have a great deal with my husband's comeback. My husband considers his US friends as his second family. He also revealed me that none of his friends are aware of his contacts with his ex. He even cried that he wants us to be successful together, make our parents proud and he said I should be there by him to overwrite her memories. HE OPENLY SEEKED HELP! I comforted him, gave him the assurance that I would be there by him and left for India next day as I planned earlier. But that person certainly went disappeared right next day. The day I was leaving, he was busy with his Xbox from 6am. We din't wake up together. Until I left home he was very busy with his own stuff and never came to me to even give a hug. He dropped me at the airport and said come back soon, I will be very bored. Even then no hug, but I went to him to give a very tight hug, held him for two minutes, my eyes were full of tears as I walked to the security lines. After I came here, he ignored me for almost two days and was busy with shopping for his weekend trip with his friends, played Xbox, was binge watching Game of thrones for days. He never came online for consecutive two days on whatsapp, was not answering my phone calls. When I asked him why he wasn't available he shouted at me saying I am being clingy, needy. I desperately needed him in those two days because my mom's health reports were scaring us and I wanted to talk to him about that. He wasn't available when I went to him for some emotional support. While on the phone, I tried my best to communicate to him that I wanted to talk to you because I was emotionally down. Whatever I was saying din't enter into his ears and he went on to say he regrets marrying a clingy woman, and he is not the person who can be constantly available 24/7. He even said that I should rather leave him and find some one else who will be available anytime for me. I couldn't handle the call anymore as it din't make my situation any better.

    Lately he has been saying that he is very much frustrated about our long ass conversations, fights that go on for days and weeks. He fears if his immune system would go down and would get his tb back. I told him that my dad wanted to talk to him and his parents before me joining him (if at all). He says let's parents not meet and instead let's decide whether to go ahead or to walk away. He is very much at the edge of asking for a mutual. He says he has absolutely no feelings for me and if i desire for the marriage to work, then I can come back. And even he would give the marriage a fair chance only because we are married.

    My heart says he should be given care, attention and I should definitely be there to help him overcome his issues, make him emotionally feel better, and create a stable life for us. But my mind says it won't work unless there is love and respect for me. I am very much torn between my heart and mind. For the most part, I agree I should concentrate on my mom and my career for now. I am very much by her day and night and I am definitely thankful to God that I came down to India at the right time. I am the only child and I am here for her, she means everything to me.
     
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  5. Sags

    Sags Silver IL'ite

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    I understand that writing / advising may be easy than really facing the situation. But i dont see ur husband as a person whom you sld leave immediately and run away. I understand there is abuse physically and mentally. But i think he just doing it out of inferiority. See i want you to be positive meanwhile you concentrate on ur life both ur phd thing and ur family before u headback to US. In this meantime dont have negative thoughts about him because if we made up our mind then it will be very difficult to accept for u to go back and have a peaceful life with him. I dont know if i am miss guiding you but what i feel is breaking a relationship is very easything but before that we need to put some efforts not to do it. Few things here when ever he says something about his ex just ignore and you just need to show him that you are there only to support him and not point out his negatives. all his positives what you said here say them to him. If you think the conversation over the phone are going to someother way just change the topic and always try to have a healthy conversation. And sorry to say this i am not happy with fact u said the rent being paid 50:50 and all. after marriage you ppl are one. Dont think about finances in that way. That hurts the male ego and majes him inferior again. And you must be knowing how miserable for anybody to live in abroad with no family around specialy for the ppl like ur husband who are mentally unstable. He needs lot of support mentally. He needs someone who he can trust and protect him from everything. As you mentioned he didn't hug you when you are in airport but not all will be very expressive as he already said he will be missing you before day. Y didnt u tried doing it. Y men all the time. Y must have said him he is ur hero and u will be missing him. i want to write more but need to rush. For now stay focused on ur career and family and dont hate him.
     
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  6. SadMarried

    SadMarried Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP , Im sorry to hear about your Mum. I know you will get mixed advice here. But I agree with most of the ladies here who advised you to run away from him. He seems like very irresponsible and immature man, if you start compromising your life with him for any reason , you will be stuck to him and it will hard to leave relationship after sometimes. Its good you have known about his abuse and mental imbalance quite early in marriage. You are educated , independent girl , don't put up with such abuse. Counselling can help a bit with person with such issues but its not going to be recovered completely and you will spend life hoping and wishing for him to change. A man who can say so much to a wife in first year into marriage , i cant imagine how much he could do later if you decide to stay with him . So plz dont stay in illusion you love him or he loves you, He doesn't deserve you . He is asking you for mutual ,give him mutual. Look after your mother well and definitely dont ruin your PHD studies for him. Good luck with everything.
     
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  7. apuviki

    apuviki Bronze IL'ite

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    Many thanks to @JGVR @madras2018 @zales @MalStrom @chocolate @beautifullife30 @guesshoo @yellowmango @kcb @blindpup10 @inboxsweetee @meepre @CuteCancer @msbram @sabarimathi @Priya16 @somsar2014 @gnavya @deepthyanoop @songbird46 @mfbtnuae @Sags @Joyoflife @SadMarried, all those lovely ladies who gave in their time to stand by me at this stage. I cannot tell you how much this means to me. While being frustrated with personal matters, I din't believe I would get enormous support from this community.

    Yes, I get mixed advice from here. But I also see that almost 90% of you wants me to end this. I haven't discussed this with my father yet. I am hoping to do it by this weekend. While I informed my uncle and aunt about this, they suggested to convince him for a therapy so that we give him one last chance to see if he recognises his issues. My uncle and aunt thinks I shouldn't rush into a decision now bcz of my mom's health issues, and at the same time for my career as I have just stepped into my final year now.

    His parents are 0% supportive with this issue. They don't understand what's happening with us and instead accuse me, verbally abuses me. All their whatsapp dp's and status messages are in direct attack of me and it's very frustrating to see them behave like this. They are very angry that I was in love in a long dist four years back. They were very much demanding right from the beginning. They demanded things for the new US house, they demanded flight fares for my husband's travel tickets to come to India to get married, they often sent a list of things that we need to purchase for their relatives for wedding, list of things that we should do for the groom, they interfered into the wedding in every way possible to raise the costs for my parents. We have their messages in whatsapp as proof. They are extremely unfair in every way. As most of you mentioned, I know I can't be dependent on them to change my husband.

    All I hope for now is to give him a fair chance one last time, to see if he will seriously take a therapy. Could any one of you suggest if I should go for a marriage counsellor or a Clinical Psychologist in this case? I also equally need some counselling and I would be very pleased if you could suggest some contacts for me.

    Many many thanks.
     
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  8. sabarimathi

    sabarimathi Gold IL'ite

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    Good Luck, Apuviki on your endeavours. I should thanks sags for her commendable intervention. Yeah, I'm taking a trajectory. Who am I to judge the quality of your life based on a few posts of yours. I was relieved to see the first post of sags here because I can't think of a thread where I've recommended divorce as the solution. This is the first one as far as my memory goes. I'm so sorry to have hurt your feelings.

    Every human being has a war to fight. To decline one of such a right is hurtful to the person in question, which is why I think you chose to offer helping hands to your dh besides clinging on to your own war. In this regard, I remember this quote from 'Swami Vivekananda's Karma Yoga- " Be cheated a million times, yet never ask a question",' the one I've said to myself many many times during those testing times. I also would ask myself this question, 'If I ever had a rift with my brother, dad, sis or mom, would I ever divorce them? If I can't, then I can't divorce my dh as well. It's my family and it's my duty and responsibility.'

    In conclusion, you need immense inner strength to do it. Hey, you already showed your perseverance, from which stems your inner strength. As sags had mentioned, Prayer is a very strong support and a great healer. To each their own.

    Also, when done, pls email the moderator and delete this thread. All the best. Wishing your mom a speedy recovery.
     
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  9. disillusion

    disillusion Senior IL'ite

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    Run from this guy as fast and as far away from him as you can. He is absolutely not nice and you deserve much better. Do not feel guilty about your past.
     
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  10. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    LEAVE HIM!!!LEAVE HIM!!!LEAVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HIM!!
    I cannot even yell anymore..Just reading about him got me crazy annoyed and I cannot imagine the hurt and humiliation you are facing..You are an educated,independent woman and you certainly deserve so much better.Let the guy stay with that lousy ex.
    You need to leave him for your sanity,self esteem and respect.eve if you stay with himyou will be miserbale forever and DON'T EVER MAKE THE MISTAKE OF GETTING PREGNANT BY HIM

    I feel bad for you and please dear leave him.hope all will be better for you
     
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