1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Unusual Inlaws Problem

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by svaac, Aug 31, 2016.

  1. svaac

    svaac Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    140
    Likes Received:
    68
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    **Long post Alert**

    Hi friends,
    I am very silent reader in this forum. I have taken lot of great advice from here and implemented them in my life when I have any small problems in MIL.
    I am married for nearly 2 years now .Ours is a love marriage and I have known my ILs family for ages. My hubby has 2 sisters and one of which is 1 year younger to me. Since we stayed in the same locality and went to the same school , she was kind of close friend to me during childhood days. After school she went to different city for college and then is settled in a different city . So we kind of lost touch in our friendship after school days. As a SIL she is too good. She doesn't interfere in our lives much. She maintains a distance at the same time is there for us when we need her. Though she is youngest in my hubbys family, she is very matured and I have seen my elder SIL , my hubby and even FIL asking her advice on finance aspects.

    This SIL of mine got married before us and hers was a arranged marriage. From outside , her marriage life looks too good. Her Ils , hubby seems to be so caring.They live in a nuclear family setup and is staying too far from her ILs. As far as I know her PILs visit them too rarely and they too join them only during very important functions. So I believe there is not much Ils interference in her life.

    Now coming to the problem, It seems my SIL has not consummated her marriage yet(she is nearly 4 years married now) and my MIL tells me it is a problem with my SIL. Though we are not very sure whether it is some medical problem or she has some psychological fears, my MIL wants me to talk to her and know her side of the story. SIL has not told any of this directly to MIL/me and she has come to know this from my other SIL. Seems my younger SILs hubby has told this to my elder SILs hubby over a casual talk on family planning.

    My elder SIL is more than 10 years elder to us , so my MIL feels like my younger SIL might open up easily to me as we are nearly of same age and have been friends earlier. But I am confused on how to deal with this. Though I really wanted to help my SIL on this if she is really having a problem , I am reluctant to talk about this when she didnt talk to me on this. Also since it is a very sensitive topic, I dont want to spoil my relationship with her on this. I can see my MILs health getting down on worrying on this. My MIL is basically a good lady and I want to help her. Is it correct for me to open this to SIL. If so How can I ask without hurting her feelings. ??Please help me here. I am going to visit her soon and my MIL will surely expect me to talk to her by then .
     
    Loading...

  2. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,560
    Likes Received:
    1,697
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    U can talk to ur sil. Know her story. May be u can take her to a gynaecologist.it seems Her husband is understanding. U tell her the importance of husband and wife private life. Every woman has this problem in the early stages of married life. But she has taken a long time. That's all
     
    svaac likes this.
  3. 28neha

    28neha Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,142
    Likes Received:
    748
    Trophy Points:
    208
    Gender:
    Female
    I think you should talk with her.as u said she is matured she will not create any seen i think.. later u can tell that mom is worried about your life and this is effecting on her health...may be after this talk you may become very close also ..all the best :)
     
    svaac and sindmani like this.
  4. svaac

    svaac Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    140
    Likes Received:
    68
    Trophy Points:
    68
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks @sindmani and @28neha for your replies. I am basically little shy type and I have not talked about intimacy related stuffs to anyone except very few close friends. So I am not sure how I will open this topic only to her. I wanted to talk about this to my hubby and ask his suggestions on how to start. But not sure whether that is correct. My MIL doesn't talk about this when my hubby is around, so I guess she doesn't want hubby to get involved. Should I tell my Hubby about this ??
     
    sindmani likes this.
  5. sindmani

    sindmani Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,560
    Likes Received:
    1,697
    Trophy Points:
    285
    Gender:
    Female
    I feel u need not talk to ur hubby now.
     
  6. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,628
    Likes Received:
    1,408
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Do not talk to her op until and unless she calls you and open up to you.
    If you have good relationship with her then maintain it.
    Tell mil to talk to her dd directly and mil is the one who should tell her to see gynac.
     
  7. Sweety82

    Sweety82 Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    525
    Likes Received:
    549
    Trophy Points:
    188
    Gender:
    Female
    you can talk with much decency. you can ask her if she is comfortable with the discussion, before starting ur point. tell her that ur MIL has talked abt this to you to ask her. bcos she shud not think that u r interfering. so, u first make her comfortable before proceeding this. if u feel that she feels reluctant u can very well convey this to ur MIL. bcos i i feel sad for ur MIL, as she expects u to do. u can do this no problem. after this discussion leave this issue between ur MIL and ur younger SIL. Let them decide whatever they discuss.
     
  8. blindpup10

    blindpup10 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,245
    Likes Received:
    1,996
    Trophy Points:
    290
    Gender:
    Female
    My suggestion- as your younger SIL's husband didn't tell your family directly and he even told it in passing to older SILs husband... First find out or question your older SIL in what context was it taken. Because I feel it is just a misunderstanding and everyone is taking things out of proportion.
    It may not even the exact problem that everyone is panicking about. Because not consummating in marriage for 4 years will have other problems. If the younger SIL has no other problems...I think you have to verify what is actually being said...Before involving SIL. I feel you should know what exactly and in what context (joke) things were said.

    Then maybe start talking to your younger SIL by bringing up the exact issue-- that her H said so and so.. We are just wanting to know if you (SIL) is doing/coping well in the marriage.
    If possible take younger SIL and hubby for a family outing including MIL.. Start talking in general about family problems and see if SIL will open up. This is quite a delicate topic and if SIL isn't talking.. Make an safe environment for her to open up.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016
    svaac, SunPa and SGBV like this.
  9. dimhere

    dimhere Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    481
    Likes Received:
    890
    Trophy Points:
    173
    Gender:
    Female
    Yes, you should talk to her. But WHAT you should talk to her is of utmost importance. The exact words.

    You should avoid using the words "problem" "something wrong" "husband told about you" and other negative words. You could say "guidance" "help" "improve" "if it is okay with you" and such positive, reassuring words. In a private setting. Your DH knows/ doesn't know is immaterial, as long as he keeps his mouth closed, and doesn't talk to her about his at all.

    Provide an opening, and wait with open ears. Prepare beforehand. Listen to her responses and body language acutely. If you sense that she is even a bit uncomfortable, back off, and move to another topic lightly. And if she does talk, definitely end with the assurance that nothing will change or become awkward between the two of you.

    This is your chance to show that you are mature, dependable and a good support to lean on in times of difficulty. Not to mention how awesome your MIL and DH will think you are. But it is a fine line. Tread on it, but carefully.

    Hope things work out for her (a un-interfering SIL - rare, god bless her!) and you have an awesome SIL-SIL relationship.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016
    SunPa, guesshoo and Rihana like this.
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    First of all, talk to your MIL. Ask her whether she is sure that her DD has problems in her marriage? Probe her further to know details other than what was known to you already.
    If she has other info or evidence to validate her concern, then you can actually prepare yourself for a discussion with your SIL.

    In fact, it is actually an attempt to enter into someone else's private space. Not every one is comfortable doing it. Needless to say how uncomfortable it may be for your SIL.

    However, your intention is very much genuine here. You have been requested to probe further info in this regard by your MIL. She too wants her DD's life to be good.

    Someone has to tie the bell on the cat.

    Indian family life is indeed very different, yet very beautiful set up. Establishing borders and maintaining privacy among family is something very specific and unique here. I actually don't know how close you are to your SIL in this matter.

    In my case, if it is my sis I will have no problem in asking her this privately. Sure, that both of us may feel awkward during the conversation. But it can't go rude or bad, but I would be able to give her some advice.

    But I am not sure whether I would even talk something like this with my SIL if at all I have one.

    It seems your SIL is nice and you are also a good friend of her. So, let's start it like this.

    Visit her place. Indulge in discussions privately, just the 2 of you. Set the environment for privacy. Eg: When her H is not around, no other disturbance etc...
    Then casually start the conversation with family planning.... I am sure she doesn't have kids yet (since the marriage is yet to be consummated).
    Ask what is her plan, and what is best in general without giving too many advice.
    Then casually go into details about the protection methods they use. Because if they are not planning for kids now, they must have thought about protection methods.
    Suggest the good ones, and talk about the side effects if she is using any hormonal pills.
    These are ladies talks, and normal between family members and best friends. Once the ice is broken, it wouldn't feel odd for both.
    It may not be ideal in other cases, but in your case, you are there to probe about her problems. So, you definitely need to talk.

    Slowly go into details about this casual talk of his husband, and how much worried her mom on this regard.
    Validate your questions with this, and ask her directly whether she has any problems as such?

    Tell her openly that you were highly uncomfortable in asking, but you came down because you had concerns over this matter. Also tell her that someone has to ask, else everyone will start discussing out of concern.

    Now if she opens up, and accepts any problems give her counselling. Break her misunderstanding, and clear her mind.
    Suggest any Drs or alternate methods to cure this.

    Tell her how sex is important to men in particular and how much it can be affecting her life down the line.
    Also tell her about having kids at the right age and the fun of it.

    Before leaving, tell her that you are there for help. Ask her whether you could pass this info to her family or not.
    Get her consent before breaking any silence into the family.
     
    svaac and blackbeauty84 like this.

Share This Page