1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

They Have Not Changed At All......

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SGBV, Aug 31, 2016.

  1. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    681
    Likes Received:
    1,915
    Trophy Points:
    263
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi SGBV,

    Have read your posts in the past and I greatly admire your strength and resolve.

    First things first, like all the rest have suggested - ignore your MIL. Did you really think that she had changed? Admit it, there must have been some iota of doubt in the back of your mind about her "change" right ? Not only MILs, no human can just change and start loving a person they hated selflessly. So why should your MIL be any different. She may have backed down seeing that she is up against a person of steel and can never win the battle, but she definitely had not given up. Trying to manipulate her son is a prime example of this.

    Second, there is a certain peace of mind attached to "giving back" at the right time. Us DILs keep replaying the situation again and again in our minds and wonder "I should have said that and countered with this". Thats how we ruin our peace of mind :) Your mom handled it really well. Learn from her. Just act as if nothing has bothered you. If she hasnt visited you, its HER problem. Not yours.

    If you feel like your husband has been "brainwashed" and is shouting at you. Dont feed his anger by your anger. That will only prove the brainwashers right. Instead handle it with love and dignity. If he raised his voice, tell him calmly "You are too angry to talk now. We will talk later about this when you are in a good mood" and walk away. Later when he is calm, explain to him that you feel bad about the argument and that it is time for him to move past all this brainwash business. Appreciate his changes (encourage him so that he doesnt feel that you are constantly complaining). Keep mentioning how happy you are for that second car or that you are progressing in life.
    In the end, as long as PILs are nearby, these daily tensions will remain. So there is no escaping it. The trick is to stop over analyzing each situation. If there is one thing that the ladies in IL have taught me, it is to pick our battles and know when to keep quiet :) Wish you all good things!
     
  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    1,800
    Likes Received:
    2,318
    Trophy Points:
    300
    Gender:
    Female
    hi @SGBV , you mom is really good in talking, even though you mil talking something not related (nonsense), still you mom talked to the point and it didn't end up as a fight between them.

    your mil still talks about her son marriage against her wish, after so many years, with kids, and your family settled in life. What she wants now? You are really handling so much. You are great. It is very hurtful that the close people curse like this, and still you have to see them everyday and their involvement in every part of your life.
     
  3. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,177
    Likes Received:
    3,185
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    @SGBV, your MIL was wrong in bringing up the past and her curse etc, no doubt. But don't ignore that your mom also had a small part to play.

    Did she really mean to bring up DH's anger issues as a casual comment or was she pointing at something? Why do you guys need your parents' advice to check your anger? My perspective is that your fight need not have been brought up by your mom which then spiraled into "my son/daughter is better" shouting match between the MILs.
     
    soulful, KashmirFlower and MalStrom like this.
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    4,191
    Likes Received:
    7,009
    Trophy Points:
    408
    Gender:
    Female
    I agree with Peartree.
    I am not defending your MIL, but was there really a need for your mom to talk about your husband's 'anger issue'? Of course then your MIL instinctively jumped in to defend her son and things got out of hand in the heat of the moment. If at all your mom wanted to say something, she could have just brought up your husband's health in general terms saying it's good to check cholesterol, sugar etc as one gets older.
    Especially given that your mom and DH are not the best of friends this must have set your MIL off, and regrettable things were said. So I say a fair share of the blame also lies with your mom.
     
  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks @peartree for bringing up a different insight of this case.
    And thanks @MalStrom for seconding it.

    There was nothing like "heat of the argument". The conversation was very civil and normal as like before. My mom and DH are not a best pair, though. But they genuinely care for each other since they are living under one roof for the past 7 years together as one family.
    For ex: My mom still cooks special dishes for my H since he likes it only that way. She still washes his cloths if he is busy or no one could wash them for some or the other reasons. My H takes mom to hospital and sometimes bring food, medicine etc as she needs them. So it is nothing like 2 strangers or 2 enemies living together. Just that they have grudges of the past, and both are equally stubborn.

    My H's sudden anger issue and the change of behavior over the past 2+ weeks is a genuine concern for all of us at home. Mom has asked him directly several times to go for a full body test. He ignored that. Then she pestered me to take my H for a complete check up. She thinks it is important for any men/women at this age to have such medical tests done. She has influenced my own bro, and sis's H (BIL) for similar tests in the past too. In fact, my bro who is 4 yrs younger to my H has diabetes, and my BIL who is a few months younger to my H has cholesterol in their early 30s.
    To add more value to this concern, there was a young driver in my bro's office died due to high BP, and the only symptom was his severe headache just before death. We do speak about all this at home frequently.

    So, undoubtedly her concerns over my H is very genuine. Plus she has a OK relationship with MIL. Since MIL visits our place at least 2-3 times daily, and spends most of the times by talking with mom on social matters, I guess mom has talked it easily. Since the tone and the message wasn't wrong, there is no need to burst out.

    In fact, MIL has checked my horoscope a few times early this year only because I have had recurrent throat infections and acid reflux then. These are common between close family members. We did not live like loners when we are surrounded by so many close relatives.

    What do you mean by this ?
    Our parents are living with us, spending days and nights with us. So, what is there to speak, suggest, comment on something about other? Isn't it common and socially accepted norm?

    My mom did not bring any fight at the first place. The actual fight was something between me and DH on the other day related to our plants. Mom just suggested US (not just him) for a medical check up, since we are restless now a days. She doesn't know the root cause, perhaps.
    Since H wasn't keen on testing, she advised MIL for a word. It works in many families, and it isn't wrong to give good, genuine and well meaning advice to your kids.

    We must actually change our mentality. There is no rule that only boy's parents have all the rights to advice and command. There is no rule that the girl's parents should always keep quit else their ethics will be questioned. Which era we are living now?
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    5,952
    Likes Received:
    11,414
    Trophy Points:
    438
    Gender:
    Female
    I had a big laugh after reading your message. But it is indeed very much appropriate and quite helpful. I told this to my mom.
    Since I am into prayer meetings and all, it is very much a practical, but sarcastic way of giving back to my MIL.
    It is true... If this woman could not forget and let go of this marriage, which happened some 8 years back, it means she really has some psychological problem. Either prayer or therapy can heal her.

    You are 100% right. Even my mom advised the same. I was mad, and did not handle this matter quite well at the beginning. I did not expect his change, I was so dissapointed initially. But somehow I collected myself and talked it out patiently when he was cool. So he understood.
    Thanks for this.

    Exactly.. I am also very proud of my mom for this. In fact I was hearing all this, while I was at bed that day.
    Mom was really talking to the point, and did not use any loose word even though MIL was so provoking and messy with her words.
    I am sure, MIL did not react to what mom has told. But her reaction was about how I handled, rather controlled her son (this is how she thinks) against her brain-washing in this car matter. This is the first ever incident, where my H went completely against MIL on his own.
    So, MIL's reaction is kind of expected, but this came in a twisted and unexpected way.
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  7. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,227
    Likes Received:
    2,354
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    SGBV, Mils are never going to change. But, perhaps your mother gave her an opening to speak all the cr@p she spoke. Ask your mom to never talk about conversations and/or arguments to your MIL. She may have spoken innocently, but people like your mil use this information to manipulate the situation. Why give them an opportunity?
     

Share This Page