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How To Handle Being Stared At In U.s.?

Discussion in 'General Discussions - USA & Canada' started by uk2016, Aug 29, 2016.

  1. uk2016

    uk2016 Senior IL'ite

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    Adding one more experience: We wanted to try out a new Indian restaurant a little far away from where we live. We followed the GPS and ended there. It was a Saturday and everywhere was heavily crowded. Had no choice except to park a little away and walk to the restaurant. All the way to and back from the restaurant, we were stared at. Some Americans walking towards us, acted in a way that only they deserved to use the side-walk and we were expected to stop and let them go first. (which we did) It was a horrible experience. The only place I felt OK was within the restaurant. On the way back from the restaurant, while waiting at the signal to cross, a (not-so-gentle) lady standing with her gentleman in front of us, turned and gave me a sharp look. She went ahead and looked at my kid the same way. I couldn't help but give her a very disapproving and angry look. Since then I have been overly cautious. And its been very very stressful.
    I cannot help but think racism as the reason for the lady's behaviour. A few flaunt the confederate flag in their cars in that area, but that doesn't make it OK. We have avoided going to that place again, but I still cannot help but notice the stares everywhere.

    None of you know me, it looks like no one experienced what I experience, I understand it will be difficult to look from my perspective. I am OK with suggestions, solutions, guesses, judgements, questions - they all are helping me think and act on it one way or the other.
     
  2. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    Yes, some people think that if you are brown, you might not speak English. But, in my experience, those people always ask me if I speak English. Usually the Church people going door to door to convince about their wonderful church. I am fine with that, it's ok to check.
    Number of people (including students) ask me if I am the professor when they come to my lab first time. I find it a little amusing and reply with a smile. Just yesterday, one of my colleagues said that it's kind of cute that you look young enough to be a student.
    I have been working in university system for last 11 years...5 universities in total, from northeast to south to Midwest to west coast, and have not been subjected to petty politics ( may be I am lucky). In my current department I am only tenure track female faculty that too non- Caucasian. I am well respected.
    I maintain very good relations with the non-teaching staff. Always buy edible presents whenever I go somewhere and ask about things they like. One of my co-workers likes to shop at JC Penny and whenever I receive coupons for JCP, I put in her mailbox. Sometimes I get 3 coffee in morning and take 2 to the office for our managers. Just a few examples.
    If I were you, OP, I would strike a conversation with your colleague. Try to find out her interests or invite her for lunch. Just ask her if there is something that bothers her. If she is still non-verbal, there is not much that you can do.
     
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  3. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    The people you are mentioning seems to be safe people and not dangerous. Why don't you start some small talk like "How is it going?" or "Nice weather" or simply "Hello" with a smile. Whenever someone looks at me, my normal reaction is a smile. Most of the time, the person starts a small talk with me.

    Its possible that when you look at them, they might be interpreting it as a smirk resulting in further stares. You are clubbing all incidents and people together. The reasons may be different. For example, while walking on the sidewalk and if someone is coming from the other side, it is customary in US to move towards right and yield for them. If not, you may be inviting stare from them. It is also customary to have an arm's length distance as one walks so if someone is walking too close, they may get a stare.

    It is also customary to hold doors, wait for people to get out of the elevator, allow someone to complete what they are saying before interrupting, etc. Some people stare (to make other party realize their mistake) when someone doesn't follow these customs.

    So evaluate each situation separately and try to find what did you do to cause the stare.

    Please note I am not trying to blame you. Just trying to help you and others.
     
    Last edited: Aug 31, 2016
    jskls, KashmirFlower, uk2016 and 5 others like this.
  4. uk2016

    uk2016 Senior IL'ite

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    Its possible that when you look at them, they might be interpreting it as a smirk resulting in further stares. You are clubbing all incidents and people together. The reasons may be different. For example, while walking on the sidewalk and if someone is coming from the other side, it is customary in US to move towards right and yield for them. If not, you may be inviting stare from them. It is also customary to have an arm's length distance as one walks so if someone is walking too close, they may get a stare.

    It is also customary to hold doors, wait for people to get out of the elevator, allow someone to complete what they are saying before interrupting, etc. Some people stare (to make other party realize their mistake) when someone doesn't follow these customs.

    So evaluate each situation separately and try to find what did you do to cause the stare.

    Please note I am not trying to blame you. Just trying to help you and others.[/QUOTE]

    @Akanksha1982
    By nature, I wait for others to proceed, Americans or not, unless they let me go first. That particular incident happened in a placed named Birmingham. People like to show off their privilege based on skin colour in that area, an acquaintance said to me today. That sidewalk incident was odd, because people were still walking directly towards me(us) with stares. (That's so unlike Americans, only Indians do that kind of silly stuff, right?! :D) I did not provoke them in anyway to get stared at just by waiting to cross at the signal - with more than arm's length distance and also without causing disturbance to anyone in anyway. Also, I follow all these customs with Americans as well as non-Americans.

    I agree, this may be an isolated incident, may be I am clubbing things together, that's causing the stress.
     
  5. GoogleGlass

    GoogleGlass IL Hall of Fame

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    Victimising the victim is a common phenomenon among Indians, isn't it?

    am just one of the normal guys, busy with my routine stuff and actually short of time to notice things that actually don't affect me. would rather try find more time to do things that am interested to. i just gave my view and you may ignore if it wasn't to your liking. with respect to what you said on "victimising the victim", indianish phenomenon - to concur probably i need to travel the globe, interact and find out or read more on global cultures, before assuming/blaming.

    ' I have a thing against things that don't belong here'

    since you know what is that thing that doesn't belong to the americas, then you have a solution in hand right? either you spell what is that thing so that readers can understand and discuss further or since you already have the solution, go for it. either your looks are exceptionally good as the english of yours and you make heads turn, eyes stare. i have no clue about it.

    what may be the case, you should try and keep your cool or express your discomfort to all those staring - which might be a laborious task as the numbers are huge and your stress levels would shoot up phenomenally.

    i do understand your position but you are the right person to decide for your comfy living whichever part of the globe you be in.
     
  6. uk2016

    uk2016 Senior IL'ite

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    @GoogleGlass
    So you can dish it out, but can't take it? If my questions and opinions were not to your liking, you may ignore it too, go about your busy, routine stuff and don't notice it at all?

    Please take a moment and see for yourself, how a being-stared-at-post was interpreted as the-one-looking-for-the-solution is the-one-who-is-causing-the-problem which then took a leap to a psychological disorder. Plus I just cannot help but notice the kind of responses that came from both genders. Hence my statement about victimising.
    One need not travel the globe, in an age of ample technology and information - knowing would suffice to concur. Local and global news is at our doorsteps and fingertips these days. But that's just me.

    I actually don't know what is that thing that doesn't belong here, because one of them seated nearby said that. I did not care to ask. I was too busy dealing with my anxiety of being noticed.

    Thanks for your response, more interesting observations emerging.
     
  7. Sridevi91

    Sridevi91 New IL'ite

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    This is interesting question .. And I faced this situation too .. U know what I do! When someone stares at me .. Let them do ! I don't loose anything if someone stares at me ! Even I feel like a celebrity ;) Sometime I feel like they doesn't know India at all and its ok if they learn and know India and culture from me ! Most of the time I wear black beads(nallapusalu) and observed waitress in a restaurant couldn't take her sight over me.. I don't care
    U are talking about Hatred ... Don't ever care about them .. They don't deserve some space in my mind.. If they are jealous it's their psychological problem .. Don't ever care about it ! Feel pity for them and move on.[​IMG]
     
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  8. uk2016

    uk2016 Senior IL'ite

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    @Sridevi91

    Really like your response! Yes, I faced the same too. I wear (small) gold earrings and gold mangalsutra (the thread is quite thick), sometimes I switch to the one with black beads too. After getting glares - usually with eyes really wide open - I switched to collar neck tees. Let my hair loose so the gold earrings are not visible. Love the attachment!
     
  9. nuss

    nuss Platinum IL'ite

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    I don't understand why mangalsutra and gold earrings will be stared upon. I have plenty of friends who wear black bead mangalsutra and never faced any issue.
    Other day I was at the café that I frequent and saw an African woman wearing gold jewelry (necklace set and bangles). I complimented her and then mentioned that the design of her jewelry is very similar to Indian jewelry. We struck a conversation and she told me that she was from Mauritania and they have a thing for Indian gold and the jewelry was actually from India. Then, I mentioned that I have been to Burkina Faso and my student is actually getting ready to go there soon. We talked for atleast half an hour about French colonial culture in those countries and India. Both learned something new.
    Maybe as my husband says, I am a talker. My -"I will run in and out to get coffee" usually turns into 19 min chat with the server.
     
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  10. uk2016

    uk2016 Senior IL'ite

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    @nuss
    Most African-American women, even men are fond of gold and gold jewellery.

    Plus experiences differ from person to person. A few facing some issues cannot be ignored because the vast majority never experienced it.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2016

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