Who Normally Bears The Cost Of Sil's Travel?

Dear @SadMarried

Don't do anything to make your H understand how bad his family, specially his sister is. He will not see anything, but surely he will see how bad his wife is when it comes to helping her in laws' family. So, chances are very high that he can distance from you further.

It shows clearly that your marriage has many problems. However, your last post explains how much you need him.
Your decision to accompany them to a longest Scotland trip despite of the tiredness shows you don't wanna miss him. You are just reasoning that you can't handle your toddler alone. I am sure, handling a toddler alone would be much easier than travelling to a long journey and spending a vacation with someone you don't like. Again, you took your toddler and probably handled him.

Similarly you decided not to talk to him for the tickets/credit card matter, but eventually talked as you don't wanna keep silence with him during pregnancy.

Well, it shows you are trying to make a connection with your H, to improve your marriage. It seems you are yet to give up and not at all ready for a break up.

Having said that.... Let me say something from my own case.

I am yet to know how my H spends his salary/allowances/income as he gets various income on a monthly basis.
All I worked up so far is to make him spend for the family's needs. Such as grocery, food, fuel, bills, kid's school and other expenses. But I am sure he earns much more than these expense level.
But there is apparently no savings. Sometimes he end up using credit cards too.

I have tried all the possible methods of asking him to be transparent. I tried to be transparent first, when he hided things, I too hided my income. It did not work.
I fought with him, confronted with evidence... Nothing worked except a few apologizes and promises. But nothing has changed.
Then I indulged in peace talks. Built up trust and what not. Again nothing worked.
He chose to be not transparent with me.
I investigated so much about him since then. It is sure that he is not cheating on me. So, how he spends his earning remains a mystery. But I highly doubt that he spends on his folks.
They buy things and enjoy new luxuries as his purse becomes empty.
No one needs to teach me simple math like 1+1 is equal to 2. I know that.

Now, confronting him will not help. He is doing it wholeheartedly. He will only see me as an evil.

So, I've started to demand for his money differently.

Signed a good insurance plan for the family. I convinced him to spend it monthly
Made him buy a car (A SECOND VEHICLE) as we actually need it. He will have to pay the monthly lease
Forced him to buy me jewels, gadgets etc at least once in 2 months.
I've put all my salary to a savings acc. So, he is suppose to spend on my shopping list.
This way, I live a luxurious life. I am happy as I make a sound saving everytime. Plus, I can calculate to some level about my H's earning.

I did not do this within a month. Slowly but steadily he is motivated to spend on our family matters.

Clearly his spending om his folks reduced. So, evidently they try to distance him - which is my ultimate goal.

 

@SadMarried
Forget about society or the families who may be bad mouthing about you if you chose the D option. Even if you tolerate this marriage, the same society will have something else to bad mouth about you. They are not worth enough to lose your life.
You only have one life, and only a few years in each stages. So, it is very important to be happy and have happy memories about our lives. Kids learn from parents' behavior. So, act before their memories start to form.
All you and your kids deserve a happy life.

You are financially independent and you are living in a first world country. Take advantage of this.
Although pregnancy and delivery times are not the right time to make any important decisions about your future, you can still make a diary of all the pros and cons of everything around you.

In my case, I had a tolerance limit for everything. For something, I am like a saint. I can tolerate so much and I don't care about it. I make so much compromises, and I don't even think it that way.
But for something, I am called narrow minded. I am like that, and I can't come out of it. I am built that way. It is not easy to change.
On average there are so much which I could adjust and let go too.
So, you design your life in accordance to that.
Precisely, see how much you can tolerate, how much you can let go, and how much space you needed.
It is all about major things, and nothing like gifts or cards.

When you feel your fundamental rights are threatened, or your basic feature needs a 360 degree change to stay sane in this marriage, then it is not always possible.
The volcano in you can erupt at anytime, and there is no guarantee.

However, if you think the adjustments you make are general, and letting them go for once or twice will not be a big deal, then ignore them. Ignorance is a bliss, and you can gain so much by giving.

Eg: I am not money minded. I feel I am capable of living and leading a good family life on my own. I always think whatever that comes from my H is a bonus. I enjoy the bonus, but I don't break down if there is no bonus.
I've made up my mind like this, because my H was not a steady income earner since beginning. Either he earned and spent lavishly on things other than family or he kept on loosing jobs. So, I've stopped depending on him financially.
This gave me inner peace, as I did not have to keep hopes every time, work towards his salary for our lives, and get disappointing at the end. I maintained my sanity with my own finances.
So, I made a rule that he doesn't question my income, and doesn't intervene whenever I spend it on others.
Since it is not my fundamental issue, I could let this minus point go, and be still happy in my marriage.

But my mom and SIL are different. They could not even imagine a life like this. So, this is not something for them to ignore. This could be a fundamental reason for them to go for D.
I am not a saint and I can't be happily agreeing to this at all. But fighting over this will spoil my otherwise happy life. Choosing to ignore this helped me grow closer with my H; thus he eventually started to support the family 100%.

My best friend has a responsible H, but he cheated on her several times by having EMA. She let that go for whatever the reason, and they are truly happy again. But this is something I can't even imagine to let go. Even if that could bring us closer, I wouldn't want that closeness. That's me.

So, each person is different. What is right for me, may not be right for you.

But one thing for sure. Each marriage has its own problem. For some your crisis are small and simple, for some their petty crisis are serious; thus some of them even commit suicide for simplest matters. Every person's tolerance limit is different.
Introspect yourself from every angle before you make a decision.

 

Hi,
I can understand the pain you are under going. But what i think instead of making him realise his sister nature. Why cant u have ur accounts separated. Just spend for some amount in household. Rest you keep it as savings. Forget about his money. As you are earning quite well. If you are able to save separately. Give him the reason that you are sacred of future. So you are maintaining accounts separately. If he says you are evil not spending money on my parents. Tell him clearly its not your job. And tell him that they are not starving. Only basic needs can be supported. Not luxuries.

 

Dear OP,

It is really inhuman for them not to help you during your pregnancy. The only way you might be able to get them to do something; if the doctors says you need rest. Can you explain your situation to your doctor and have her tell your H that you need some rest during the last few weeks before your delivery? Hugs to you!

 

Good question.. Perhaps you could start a new thread on this for more replies.

Forgiving and forgetting are 2 completely different things.
Like you mentioned, my H has hurt me so badly in the past. Humiliated me before his and my folks, behaved so cold and never showed love when I was craving for his attention (first pregnancy). Never appreciated my hard work and talent, but insulted me.
Followed his mom's words blindly and always distanced from me.

If you ask me whether I was able to forget these, my answer would be NO. No, I can't forget these issues. May be I don't feel exactly the same pain as I felt before. But the scar is still there. The insult, the humiliation, the compromises I had to make, and the long craving for his love could never be deleted from my mind. Those were the lost days of our first marital year. They could never come back.

But if the question is whether I was able to forgive him... My answer is YES. Yes, because he truly repented. Initially I could not trust him. But he applogized for many times. He proved his changed personality by living as a loving, and caring husband for constantly 3+ years now.
He is able to stick by this regardless of all the challenges he faces from his folks. He chose to be with me, and truly happy about his choice.
This time around, I did not love him blindly just like the first time I fell for him. But I eventually fell for his true love and care.
In our case, we may not be a great pair. With parents and in laws' involvement, sometimes we tend to have differences when others are around. But we are always a perfect pair when no one is involved. Our house is always happy filled with love, fun and care when just the 4 of us are around.
Even if we fight or shout, the next moment we patch up everything with a kiss and hug.
Now I can't hate him, although I blame him, and fight with him so frequently. Now a days, my blame and fights are only to improve him, and not to criticize.

At this juncture, you can't love your husband at all. He needs to repent and seek your forgiveness. You can't forgive someone who is not apologetic. You can't accept someone's forgiveness unless they realize their mistakes and make sincere efforts to change. It definitely takes years to trust someone wholeheartedly again.
Even if you could trust, you can never trust them back the way you blindly trusted them before. That's the painful truth.