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Puzzled By Relatives Behavior

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by mysonmyworld, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. mysonmyworld

    mysonmyworld Silver IL'ite

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    Dear All, I moved to the same city where my parents,brothers and some of my relatives live. Ever since I moved, I had invited my aunts and cousins over for bf,lunch & dinner. Recently one of my cousin sister got married and moved to our city. I invited her and her husband for lunch and gave them a gift. She SMSes me once in a while.one day,she invited me home. So when I called her to confirm that we are coming on a particular day,she said they have some work. Again after few weeks she messaged me to come when I have time. I said I can come on so & so date, she gave me some excuse. She keeps messaging me but when I reply she doesn't say 'ok come home' ,instead gives me tricky & twisted answers and I really don't understand if she is genuinely inviting. This has happened 5 times with her.My aunty(mom's sis) had come to my place so many times and stayed the whole day. She invited me one day, so when I called her to let her know that I am coming next day, she said she has some work. If they don't want me to come why are they even inviting. Just for formality sake they say come home. My cousin has hosted for other relatives. I am very sad today thinking about all these. My mom and I had helped so many of our relatives in so many ways. They all talk nicely over the phone but genuinely don't care about us.fyi: I love to apply make-up and my relatives who are mostly from villages, doesn't like it. But I do dress up & put on makeup appropriately& decently. My husband is the only one in the family who holds a very good job,highly educated and well salaried. He doesn't talk much. Maybe these things are making them uncomfortable..I don't know what they are thinking.so far, I have not hurt anyone or gossip.
    My mom is very angry with my cousin and aunt though she didn't talk about it to anyone.
    All these days,i loved my relatives and today I am wondering if it's even worth thinking about them.Please advise me so that I can have some peace.
     
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  2. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    If you enjoy spending time with your relatives, do so without expecting reciprocation. It is expected that if they come to your house you would be welcome to theirs, but it hasn't been happening. So decide if you want to still have them over or become similarly unavailable.
    You mentioned that your relatives are not as well off. Maybe they are embarrassed by the difference in status and feel reluctant to invite you home, especially if their house is not as nice as yours.
    Accept their behavior for what it is, don't have expectations and act accordingly.
     
    sindmani, guesshoo and Rajkum846 like this.
  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    when u called them you fixed a date and invited for lunch/dinner etc.
    Let them fix a date and time and call you. Not necessarily for lunch/dinner, even for tea they can call you guys.

    (may be they think you guys are well settled and you may not like to be guests there, it can happen, but they are inviting you but not fixing date)

    And don't invite them to your house till they host you. Usually relatives meet on festivals to give some sweets and wishes, see if they call you/come to your house. if nothing like that happens, may be it is not their lifestyle to meet or call others to dinner etc, or may be they are not interested as your life is different from them,

    Do your mom think everybody should give importance to you? if not then why angry? may be they are just busy r they have their own worries in life.
    You did your part, if any b'day or pooja then you can call all again, irrespective of they call you or not. Other than that thinking much about this is not necessary in my view.
     
    sindmani, blessings1010 and guesshoo like this.
  4. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    5 times is a bit too much. If I were you, I would have tried for 1-2 times genuinely and if the response from the other side is tricky, I would have given up the offer.
    Rather I would say 'Come on, you guys are always busy.. So how come we visit you. Plan a date and tell us, I will see whether we could make it.
    If that happens, then try to respect them by visiting. Even if your H or kid is busy on that said date, you try to visit there, perhaps with your mom and kids for the formality.

    There are two reasons for the close family members to misbehave like this.
    1- superiority complex - so discrimination when it comes to poor/not -so-well relatives
    2- Inferiority complex- so jealousy

    I think your relatives belong to the latter. They are inferior since you are far better off than them. They are jealous about this.
    They are unsure how to treat you at their place, since you are far better than them. They are uncomfortable, at the same time their ego may not accept the fact that they are any less than you. In fact there is nothing like high, or less. It is just in the people's mind. Specially with the people who are not up to your level by wealth, but equal as you by age, and in other matters have this prob.
    Just ignore. That's the best punishment.
     
  5. mysonmyworld

    mysonmyworld Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you friends for your reply. My mom is angry because I genuinely call my relatives home and make elaborate lunch preparations. I gave expensive gifts to my aunt's daughter when she attained age and to this newly married cousin. Please don't think that I am saying all these to show off. I am talking from my mom's perspective. She thinks that if they can't even invite me home just for few hours then why did they come to my place. She thinks that I am being taken advantage of. They happily accept gifts. But I like you all said they may have reasons for not inviting. I will just ignore. The thing is, this cousin of mine ,will go around and tell everyone that she invited me 5 times & I didn't come.
     
  6. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Then they are doing politics, why others should know all this, and see half truth and half lie, these people can spread news the way they wanted. stay away as much as you can, and when meet be very formal, keep busy with kids playing with them etc and dont give much importance to them. they may tell you are proud etc. but dont waste time on them
     
  7. mysonmyworld

    mysonmyworld Silver IL'ite

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    Thanks for replying Kashmirflower. Ours is a big family and gossiping ones are definitely there. Some politics do happen.
    What hurts is that I am left alone when all others are meeting each other. Being well off and marrying a well settled person is not my fault . We worked so hard to come to this level. Whenever I talk to my relatives,i don't even speak a single word in English.i talk my native language and try to be humorous and also very polite. What more can I do? My in-laws side are also not close to me. I am worried about my only son who will not have anyone from relatives side to genuinely love him.
     
    sindmani likes this.
  8. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    Ur time is very important. Make sure u spend it wisely- Both in terms of physically visiting someone or also in terms of how much mind space and time u want to put in thinking about someone.

    IMHO, u know the answer to his situation. Do not initiate the time of visit by urself next time. Go, only when u have a date and time from their side and only when ur free during that time.
     
    madras2018 likes this.
  9. CoolPie

    CoolPie Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP,
    You need not invite anyone frequently, you can do so infrequently. If your cousin is not inviting, hereafter don't tell her that you are coming to her house. Leave it and concentrate on your Family. She ll realise after a few years that she or her kids need company. Or she may not even realise it. Be casual with her and your aunt.

    For now, try to forget this problem and concentrate on your work. If you are inviting someone, dont expect that they ll be inviting you in return. Nowadays, people are too selfish. They dont think about the kindness that the other person exhibits.
     

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