Compromising Everything For Marriage - Need Advice

For all those who advised the OP to "chase her dream" and take up an on-site opportunity in the US - I wonder if any have considered the implications on the fate of her marriage and family unit if she did that. Basically she and her kids are being advised to move abroad while her husband pursues a career in politics in india. How long would the marriage survive after she does that ?

I know some of you may argue that the husband has already caused cracks in the marriage by not keeping his wife in the loop about the house, finances and his job. Does it mean that the wife should similarly just do her own thing regardless of its impact on the family unit ? Agreed, taking up an onsite opportunity would improve the family's financial health. But what about her kids growing up without their father ? What if the husband takes up with another woman in the wife's absence ? And how would a woman independently raise 2 children in the u.s without help, that too on an onsite salary ? If OP's only ambition is to land in the US that may be possible, but an aggressive and ambitious career path while single handedly raising two kids in a country where OP has no friends or support - that's wishful thinking !!

If OP instead takes the option of leaving the kids with her parents while she chases her American dream, the kids will end up with an absentee father and a missing mother! I would call that irresponsible parenting.

I think what is urgently needed for this marriage and family is communication. The couple needs to see a marriage counsellor before making any further individual or joint plans. It might be the wake up call they need especially if they want to avert unintended disasters.

 

That was a bad decision on his part.It just proves that this guy give more values to his dreams than his own family.You have no choice but to take a job and take financial responsibility.
About going to USA read above post.
Madras is right.That is going to affect your marriage.

 

BTW I am in same boat.My huaband left his secure job to pursue his ambition when we are already in economically bad condition.OP I am same situation.

 

Ladies, I myself adviced OP to take an overseas opportunity to get a break from all this. Where did it sound like separating them. Distance will make many marriages see sense and clarity. If talks wud have helped, OP's husband wud have discussed and thought about it rationally. That didn't happen and instead of making one more mistake to compound the error, OP can right now take break go overseas .

 

+1 for this from @madras2018 .
OP I have no advice for u...I really dont know what to say. I personally believe in following ur heart..I do not know ur DH his capabilities and the level of dedication needed for something like this. Selling a house seems very drastic. Its possible to pursue dreams u just cant do it at the same time when u have kids who need stability ....need to take turns in a marriage. Talk to him about a timeline.

 

In Tamil Nadu you need only three basic qualification to excel in politics.

No 1: Know how to fall on Ammas feet



No 2: You must be a great singer




No: 3 You must know how to tap the bench as soon as Amma finishes a statement in the assembly

 

Have you discuss you situation with your parents?
Is there anyone like your mother who can come to USA with you to help you out initially?
You know its going to take toll on marriage.Are you done with marriage already?

 

In addition to my earlier post I think it might help you if someone set the record straight about life in the US so that you snap out of fantasy mode and deal with real life.

From your post it appears that your ticket to a US job is dependent on getting an h1b visa or L1 visa via your Indian employer in India. Such firms do not give premium pay that a job seeker already in America can expect to receive - rather they pay just about the role-specific minimum mandated by law plus some per diems. Such deputation trips can end anytime in short notice, hence many live frugally, to be able to save enough to make the onsite opportunity financially worthwhile.

At work like most new employees, you will get 10- 15 days annual leave. Forget the 20+ days usually available in india. School day for kids end typically at about 3 pm after which either parent picks them up. If you're not able to organise this, there may be after school day care but this is going to cost some serious $$. Same with nanny care. You can forget abt servants etc on the typical h1b onsite salary.

As a single parent without an able bodied working spouse who can help manage kids, do errands and drive around, you are a one woman army who is bound to get overwhelmed quickly. If a kid gets sick you need to negotiate wfh or take a day off, neither being easy. Keeping your h1b job is a tight rope walk cos the day you get fired or layed off you are technically illegal in the u.s and will have to pack up for India. GC processing in Eb3 which is what most indian employers use for junior employees, takes forever & some more. Any dependents like your parents visting to help you can only stay upto 6months at a time and rarely for a year.

As you can tell from this short summary of the great American dream, it can turn sour quickly when you are a single parent, working on an h1b visa, raising 2 kids living with you. Let's not even get started on how this much stress can do a number on your health.

Frankly, your quality of life may be better in india with a far wider range of professional opportunities, cheaper cost of living, ease of access to support to raise kids, & affordable, quality medical care.

You will have much better success in life if you focused on developing yourself and improving what you have to offer to your line of work. Salaries 25L and over are feasible in India with less than 10 yrs of experience.

Rather than ask "should I leave my husband to pursue my American dream or compromise with husband" I would urge you to think along the lines of
1. What can i do to improve the health of my marriage, family unit & my own personal happiness? It could be either staying or divorcing but please keep it separate from the goal of living in America in the immediate term. Avoiding or running away from your problems can't solve them.
2. What can I do to improve my skills to make me a highly competent professional in the job market in my industry (india or anywhere else) so that I am able to realise my potential & also get premium pay.

When you view your problem with a big picture perspective, you will have better solutions that will actually deliver.

Hope this helps. Good luck!