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Compromising Everything For Marriage - Need Advice

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by amnilakshmi, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. amnilakshmi

    amnilakshmi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    Its been a while since i wrote in IL. Basically, i have a roller coaster ride for the past 10 years in marriage. I thought the ride has become smooth but i am again wrong. My DH is planning to leave IT job and enter politics. He has sold of our house and got some position in politics. I came to know this when i attended a marriage where in people were talking about this. I felt very bad. I asked him and he said he wants to pursue his ambition and cant suffer for me. We do not have any other property. two kids, no savings. I am working and he is not bothered about anything. He goes early in the morning comes home after we sleep.

    Now coming to the point. Even i have ambition of living in US. I have not gone onsite even once due to family issues and marital problems. I didnt even concentrate much in my career and have been giving my heart and soul to stabilize my family. I have gone through lots of downs (only). Do you think i should leave him and start thinking of fulfilling my ambitions to satisfy myself ?
    OR continue to compromise and take care of the kids.

    I do not know how to and where to start even if i choose the first option. But i am confused. Please pour your suggestions and thoughts.
     
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  2. amnilakshmi

    amnilakshmi Gold IL'ite

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  3. shari2003

    shari2003 Silver IL'ite

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    Do you have a chance to go abroad from your job? If so,I would suggest you to start working towards that. Your husband sold off the house and you are coming to know of it from someone else? I think that shows how he considers you in his life. Am sorry for having hurt you. Go, chase your ambition, your dream. Its not worth compromising that for a spouse like this. If you get a chance to move abroad, can your parents take care of the kids for a few months before you can settle there and take them along? Think on those lines. Good luck!
     
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  4. amnilakshmi

    amnilakshmi Gold IL'ite

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  5. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    This kind of compromises are always misleading.

    If you have an ambition to live and work in the US, why don't you try for it?
    Trying for a job or career after marriage and kids is not a crime. You don't have to give up your ambition just because you are married with kids. Marriage is just a beginning of a new life. Not an end of your life.

    Just because you give your heart and soul to your family, doesn't mean you should give up your career. What do you mean by this?
    Aren't you a multi-tasker? If so, build your skills towards it.
    It is indeed very hard to balance both work and home evenly. There will always be problems and you will be forced to prioritize your choices. But it doesn't mean you have to give up one to have the other.
    The men who shine in their career are not always irresponsible towards their family.
    Same goes with the women too.
    I am a career woman, and I have shined a lot in my career. But you can't underestimate my role as a mom, wife, DD at home. In fact, I do my 100% at both places.

    You just have to stretch a bit. Because you can't have it all just easily.

    Now that, your present problem is not small...
    You are always kept on the dark about your family's matters it seems.

    If your H loves politics and that's his ambition, let him do his best there.
    You must understand his POV and discuss with him of the pros and cons in detail.
    Don't blindly reject his ideas just because they seem odd or not common.

    Now that he has taken a few steps towards his passion... Sadly at the cost of loosing your trust.
    Do doubt that you are hurt. But confronting will not help you much.

    Tell him frankly that you are hurt. Show interest in knowing his plans, and always try to support him. Build the rapport so that he will trust you back.

    In the meantime, having no savings, no investment or no insurance plans for your life at this stage is really stressful.
    I can't assure how much beneficial your H's new political position to have it all so quickly?
    In any case, plan your future for a safe side.

    Just try to introspect your life before making any decisions right now.

    Why can't you pursue your career? Is he blocking you from working? or working hard? or working in certain projects which could give you a hike?
    If so, openly discuss with him, and put your foot down to achieve your career dreams.
    You are working anyways. I fail to understand what is bothering you from shining in your career?

    Have financial independence. Have your own savings and investments for the family. Have a say in any matters that affect you or family.

    Find a good day care if your kids are too small. Look for helps from your FOO, in laws, friends to take care of your kids while you are at work.
    If not, at least look for a good nanny.
    Do it everything yourself instead of expecting someone else to do this work for you.

    Learn to cook and do your chores by spending a few extra hrs at work. Perhaps you may chose to go to bed late and wake up a little early.
    Try to compensate the remaining needs with a paid help (maid). Pay the maid from your extra salary.

    Finally, I fail to understand your compromises. Why are you compromising your life? Has your H asked you not to shine in your work/career, so that you will be awarded as a best mom? I guess no.

    There are some women who are restricted by their male chauvinist H from going out/working, so they compromise.
    There are some woman, who are forced to quit due to pressing family need, like a sick spouse, disabled kid etc

    In your case, you are working anyways. So, what is restricting you from getting a hike and climbing the ladder?

    Just try hard work, smart work, help from others, self motivation etc... and you can very well do this within your marriage.
     
  6. magician

    magician Silver IL'ite

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    I apologise beforehand for the diversion.

    But when people begin equating 'ambition' with politics, I am more worried for the country than your personal dilemma.

    Why does he want to go to politics? Does he think that his stint working with MNCs in IT he'd know anything about the grass root issues? You can't just wake up one day and say 'sorry, honey. I think I want to try my shot at being a CM.'

    Just make his resolve weak. Remember behind every unsuccessful man, there is his own stupidity.
     
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  7. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op, Your hubby is living in dream world if he has politics as ambition.How can a responsible man leave a job to enter politics. That too having 2 kids. Selling a house for that. He shud be ashamed of himself for doing what he is doing.Try to see your onsite options in your company. Otherwise try to get a visa from consulting company and start making plans for next.

    This shud be a sign to you, your hubby will take care of only himself at any cost. Now take charge and make your own life with kids.Good Luck.
     
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  8. whistle

    whistle Silver IL'ite

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    Thank god, Kasthuriba Gandhi didn't think like this. If not I will be in angrezon ke jeil and will be chakki peesing and peesing.


    jest kidding kya...:)
     
  9. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    well, with politics he may get successful. But there is always not victory and they spend time with people(mostly not in organized way )
    he gets successful or not, he can't give time, and the type of people he mingle with, his personality may change too in future.
    he thinks as you are working you can take care of things.
    You have more responsibility now, so try hard for that US dream.
     
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  10. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    With two kids,no savings,no house and husband in politics(where expense is more than income),you should definitely try onsite
     

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