Need Advice

Op....some observations based purely on your first post.

Brother---- your brother has recently been engaged.He is probably getting to know his finance's family so spending time with them. Nothing wrong in that .Your husband too has been nice to your brother and mother .....similarly he is getting to know them.

What he is doing wrong is not taking care of mother's emotional needs, being rude to her(sending her to your place,asking her not to visit for two years) and not taking responsibility for his own wedding arrangement.

May be you could ask him to be a bit more there for your mother.

As for wedding arrangements,your mother should clearly tell him that she needs him to be there for arranging things and she cannot do it alone.If he is not willing to do that,then ask him to settle for a simple temple wedding.
You could find a wedding planner in your mom's city and help your mother that way.It may cost a little bit,but your brother should be able to at least pay for it if he can't himself help.

You going for 3 weeks is very generous of you and your family.

Mother----- Op...based on your post,your mother comes across as a very controlling ad interfering person. ....just like your in laws. At least you have been able to work by keeping in laws in the dark. You have not been able to do the some with your mother.

Considering your mother believes in patriarchal rules when it comes to inheritance,your mother's expectations from you are unreasonable. She has no right to stop you from working. Your first responsibility is towards the children you brought into this world,followed by your spouse. Taking care of mother is a moral duty but you do not have to listen to her in what is none of her business.

As a daughter ,you are doing your duty to her by being there for her emotionally and physically when required. You are also willing to spend time to help with the wedding.

It is time you let her know that you will do whatever is right for you and your family .If you need to work,you do not need her approval .

Your Husband------Despite not being able to stand by you sometimes,your husband seems to be a good husband .He helped your brother settle down and also is good and caring with your mother.He is also willing to help you out by going early for the wedding while he gets the kids later. He is a nice man. He does not deserve a mother in law who is controlling and interfering in his family decisions. Please be fair to your family or else you may lose your husband's support in future.

Op ,you have three children and a home to manage. Your children and husband need you more than your mother . You are doing your bit to help her. Now it is her turn to be reasonable.

Hope you are able to understand and take a firm decision to get back control of your life.

 

You have to put your immediate family first. If that means you have to go to work, then by all means focus on getting back to work. You cannot let your mother dictate your life to such an extent. You have done everything for her in a reasonable way, but she does not get to interfere in your family life.

 

It is very unfair to tell u not to work, by ur mom.
She does this so that u can be available to ur mom whenever she wants.

Can you take her to doctor to see if clinical depression or anxiety she is suffering from

 

Recently, my cousin got married. My aunt said they hired an event manager for the entire wedding arrangements. Looks like the bride's side also had very less minimal work to do. Since money is not an issue, why don't you suggest that to your brother and mother.

 

Dear Chaaral, you are such a good daughter. I wish to be a support like u to my father, he was totally dependent on my mother. Elders become like kids in this age and don't want to let go of us. Like when we were kids, I never let mom dad stay away from me. I guess life always comes full circle.

Like others mentioned here, you have good husband who supports you and your family in the tough times inspite of his parents. He is a keeper. now he needs ur support in raising 3 kids and their education, pls do not hesitate in taking up work and time for them. Growing kids need both their mom and dad in their formative years. Taking frequent breaks and going overseas for a marriage prep sounds like a problem if u r starting the work search now.

now that u sorted the issue of sharing work news with u mom, all the best for searching work! Do your best. You mentioned that there is a break in ur work as you focused on kids and family in last 5 years or so. This time when u start working or looking for work, be well prepared both in your area of work/ interest as well as emotionally. New work can take time to start and settle down. But during this time, pls do not let mom's concerns/ judgements bother u. If you get tired of the whole transition process or share that with ur mom, she might reinforce staying back home. Surround urself with positive people, attitude and happiness. If she asks about ur work, keep the conversation minimum. Looks like she didn't get the chance to go out and work professionally..so she might be worried for u and the kids when ur away for work. Sometimes parents get too protective and that turns them into controlling. If you give her a sense of comfort that ur work will make u more fit physically, emotionally as well as financially, she may come around and actually start respecting your decision to work,independent of what ur brother does or doesn't do.

Regarding the marriage prep and the drama associated with it, I don't know how it is about in ur family, but frankly speaking if the groom is not free, the bride is away from country, what's the fuss about big wedding prep? Court marriage is a way to go. If that doesn't sit well with the elders in family, and money isn't an issue, pls outsource everything, I mean everything. wedding prep can be done in 15 days or it can take more than a year to plan everything at a snails speed. Actually wedding happens in couple of hours. No one remembers who did how much and what for the wedding, except relatives who have no other work left to do. They should not matter much in any case. Please save ur sanity and do not participate in this drama anymore. Put all ur energy and attention on ur work search, kids, mom, husband. If brother is not in listening mode now, ur job as a good sister is to make him indirectly take his responsibility by u not taking any additinal responsibility on ur shoulders. If ur not available, he will work his way around. As long as you show that u can mend ur time, schedule, location, responsibility for the sake of his wedding, he will not take any concrete action or ur mom will continue to expect from u. Also, if u happen to start work now, clearly set her expectation from now that u may not get 3 weeks leave from a new job just for the wedding of a family member. In all this, pls don't think that ur rude by thinking about ur self and immediate family. Long term parental control as well as conditioning takes time to change the way things are done around us. Ur mom will come around as well, if she sees u happy. If she can't see that don't loose heart, keep at ur goals. Work together as a team with ur husband.

I am sure u will do great.
All the best!

 

Dear Chaaral,

You are fortunate and everything is going on perfect in your life except the sad thing about your dad passing away. I know the pain as my dad is also not there but thats gods decision.
Reason i said you are fortunate is,]

you were able to take off from work and stay with your mom and supported her.
you were able to make her stay with you and husband supported.
your brother is getting married which is such a good news and a happy moment.

your father in heaven would have felt so happy and proud of you for being there for your mom and supported her. your father may come back to your family as a child to your brother.

Remember, there are many people who are suffering not being able to see good happy moments in life.
I have my mom and brother, but we are still waiting for the fortunate thing to happen in my brother life. i am ready to take over the responsibility of my mom and she is ready too.
Only thing is we want brother to get married and have family. but there is delay on that.

Mom working issue.
Your mom feeling depressed is very normal and she will be feeling that way due to the growing age and emotions etc. most of the depression is due to the old age hormones etc but not her own mentality or personality. Dont mistake her , however dont need to listen to her. Tell her you have to work and try to spend time with her.

If not your brother, you are able to make her stay with you and you have a supporting husband. Now your mom also realized not to stop you from working to think about her or your brother. so just chill, find a job.

Regarding wedding preparations- Dont bother your brother, his fiance being in US might be a very demanding person. try to understand your brother, dont force him to help your mom or for relatives. You can see in internet make calls and do the marriage in a hotel.
Do not disturb him and let him get settled with his wife.

Get a job and make your mom stay with you for few yrs.

 

so you stay in US and also your brother. so was your mom staying alone in India.
Since you mentioned that mom was asking you to come India etc.
Does she stay alone in India?

well if so , that might be the main reason for her depressing. when you both kids are abroad how can she stay alone in India. Either you or your brother should keep her with you.
seems like she is not ready to come to you ?.