I Suspect My Husband Is Gay.

Minion -
For a long time I was shocked, confused, angry and unsure of what to do next. Also it is very hard to deal when the whole dream collapses. For eg- I had an elaborate, expensive wedding, moved to an exciting U.S city, had nice inlaws and my husband is a decent man. Divorce meant a complete severance of all of this and starting over in india maybe.I also did not have a stable family support system at home.

So there was a strong incentive to make the best of what i have and force myself to adapt. But it's not for the faint hearted for sure. Attending weddings wld make me cry, I wld die inside when i saw other girls in my family marrying after me and even having kids. It's horrible when one is left a helpless spectator in life.

There is a perception that impotence is a quality-of-life problem and not a survival problem. I think that's partly true because a celibate life never killed anyone. And this is a key reason why many women feel terribly unsure and esp guilty about divorcing in such cases. They secretly feel that they are rocking the boat by making this a big issue, why can't they see the rest of the stuff going for them, a woman has to adjust no matter who she marries and what if the next guy is worse - ETC. I also used to feel guilty for being depressed, as if the little voice in my head was being a troublemaker.

But the truth is - this celibate marriage may not be a big deal only for those with no libido of their own or whose fate without the marriage will be poverty or grave uncertainty. For the average middle-class woman who grew up with ambitious and aspirational ideas about marriage or even reasonable expectations for their lives after marriage- this is a serious setback. Because Low T issues does not just affect your sex life but they also affect the man's ability to even feel like and act like a man. He can be easily anxious, perpetually worried, fatigued, irritable, no libido, fearful of risk taking, low ambition, lack of wellbeing and even tears. Living with a depressed partner or someone who because of their physiological issues does not share your enthusiasm for life, in a situation that is not being remedied is a mood-killer, depressing by itself.

And depression kills, So I think depression is a quality of life problem that has the potential to mentally affect the spouse and this is serious stuff.

I am now trying to decide which option will take me away from depression instead of sliding me back. That's the way to go i think. Cos one thing i liked abt myself before marriage was my mind and i'd like that to be sharp and not blunted by depression.

I may choose to continue this marriage but on my terms & with renewed skills in self-management and managing the situation. Or I may walk away with a clean heart. I consider developing even this much clarity a small step forward for myself.

 

@snehalJoshi

Thanks for your response. Since you initiated this thread, and because I recently noticed the poll you created (paraphrasing the query on that poll "would you leave your husband due to intimacy issues"), I wanted to share my perspective regarding your situation. It is to be taken with a HUGE dose of salt (not a pinch) and I'm by no means an expert.

I've gone through all your past posts. And IMHO I think I understand your dilemma to a fair extent.

Rather than you asking the question "what is the right thing or the wrong thing to do", I think you need to step back from the situation and examine your own experiences and feelings. I think you've been tortured by this decision and issue for the last 3 years (at least). You struggled shortly after you were married, and then struggle continued with the added dilemma of how and whether to have kids, and after somehow having a child you have still been unable to reconcile yourself with your life situation. In short, even though you graduated from one life stage to the next, your turmoil continues unabated, and you've been unable to make peace with the situation.

So just extrapolating the trajectory one can sense that at the very core, even as you go through the motions of life, you will struggle with this situation going forward as well.

At some point you will have to ask yourself how long are you willing to live with this inner turmoil of indecision ? How long will you sit on the fence and be unable to fully enjoy your life or be fully happy ?

Option A - Either you go all in, give yourself the permission to accept the fact that you love your kids, husband and life (except for the intimacy) and also accept that maybe you feel it's too much work to begin all over again. If you really wanted to leave, you might have left a long time ago. I dont know if your husband's anger issues have subsided. But if he's a nice guy and you have a beautiful family overall, then seriously get help and save your marriage. Please see a sex counselor asap. For a couple willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage, you CAN figure out a way to help each other meet your intimacy needs. I say this because you have the added advantage of this being a love marriage.

Option B) Either take the option mentioned above, or make a serious plan to solve this problem once and for all by telling your husband you want out. There's a saying which goes "Don't live with a mistake just because you spent a lot of time making it" and this may apply in case you don't love your husband anymore. It's never too late or too early to leave. Make a decision with an eye on what outcome you want for yourself. Do you want to remarry or just have a long term partner ? Do realize that as you grow older, it may be a little bit harder to find someone, and he may come with kids of his own. It's easier in one's 30s than in the 40s, which is easier than in one's 50s and so on. So if you want to improve your chances to landing someone more suitable, don't put your life on hold for 16 years etc. Besides, hope you realize that 40% of men 40 years or older have some sort of erectile dysfunction. So by waiting a long time, it may even be pointless to leave a sexless marriage and entering another sexually challenging situation. If you have no desire for a partner at all, then no need to rush to divorce now. Let the marriage run its course. Even in the case of a divorce, a U.S divorce process is very easy.

What I'm basically saying is - resolve to do something about your situation now, in 2016. Hope you won't let 2017, 2018 roll in and suffer the same problem. The question you need to ask yourself is not "What would you do / What is the right thing" but rather the real question you should ask yourself is "What decision will help me stop thinking about this problem once and for all ? What solution possibly can put an end to my misery and indecision ?". And believe me, you have indeed suffered with this issue long enough to warrant thinking on these lines.

 

He is physically OK. Why don't you consult with an experienced clinical psychologist? They will analyse his character and might be past experiences etc. For example, if a person was abused during his childhood, he could behave like this. He is a good father and good husband. You can communicate with him. So I personally don't advise for separation. Risk factor in second marriages are very high. In addition, you could destroy the life of your daughter too via separation. Please excuse, if I sound very conservative.
There are many gadgets available in the market. You may try some of them to meet your personal needs upto some extent. You don't have to feel inferior about it. Many successful couples use them as well.

 

@snehalJoshi

First of all please stop getting influenced by this new terms and categorize people.
As i read the moment a person behaves little abnormal state that he has psychological problem.
a person not very active in bed then term as asexual or g** etc.
A person who absolutely had no bad experiences or abuse, or what ever will still be having less libido.
I agree your frustration on intimacy, so as u doing try to make him understand or you initiate.
before 10 yrs no one ever know the words like G** but now a days i hear them everywhere which can even make a normal person look bad.

I would suggest online you can search natural things which you can make him eat. also exercise can make him more active brain?. coz hormones does play a big role in them.

Thinking abt separating for this reason with kids, and then getting bunch of new problems in case you get married is ridiculous and complicating your life more.
You are suggesting Madras2018 to separate. but what is the guarantee that when she remarries the guy will satisfy her. how will she know prior to marriage how compatible he is in Intimacy?. lets say that guy is very good intimacy but then he brings whole set of new problems which will also eventually ruin her mind.

 

Snehal, I may not be the best person to advice you on this issue, since you are getting very good pointers from others in the same situation, but I do want to draw your attention to this. Is he a good dad or a good provider? Are you sure you're not confusing one for the other? I do understand that as a parent, you tend to put the happiness of your child above everything, but just how far will you go? If he does not treat you, the mother of his child well, I would not consider that a trait of a good father. I am saying this from what I have seen happen to a very close family friend. Both parents, individually were what you would call excellent, doting parents to their child. But together, they were terrible... never being able to agree on anything regarding the child, putting each other down thinking that each was speaking for the child and just generally being very unhappy. It just wasn't a very happy childhood that the child went through, though as I said, individually, he was a great dad and she was a great mom.

 

@madras2018

I also want to share my experience here, hoping to get some advice . My very short married life.

I got married in Dec last year. It was arranged marriage. His younger brother is already married and had a son. When asked about the reason why he is getting married after his younger brother, he said he wanted to do a course in english and have a career as a script writer. I asked him had he completed any course he said No. I thought there is someyhing fishy here. My parents also spoke with him and he said same to them and clarified all our doubts. We have some common relatives also. Every body gave positive reply about their family but everybody said they know nothing about thier son. As he did not went back to India not once in these 10 years. We agreed for the marriage and the wedding date came with in 3 weeks.

I expected that he will call me once he know about our decision through his parents but no. I had to call him after 3 days as i need to talk to him about where to stay after marriage, apt, job, flight return tickets etc. He said he is in his cousin's engagement function and wanted to call you after the function. Still i was angry so i only spoke to him about the things i needed to speak to him, nothing else like anything as future wife a d husband. After coming India, He called me only once before wedding that too with his cousins insistance. His excuse for not calling this time is that he do not had his own indian phone. Did not brought single gift for me.

I felt very weird through out my wedding ceremony. He did not spoke a single word to me in wedding. I thought everything would be okay after marriage when we get to know each other. But that thing never happened. We couldn't even become good roommates. Even during wedding night he spoke all nonsense like he donot want share from his fathers property, want to donate 10k to kids hospital, most shocking is that he has only 8000 in his account in us to start our life, he refused to my salary etc. Even then i said its okay i will adjust with what you have. All i asked him is that i wanted to start family as soon as possible as it is late marriage for both of us. He initially asked to wait for one year but later remained silent. All he did that time on bed is hug and kiss, no inter******. He said he did not brought condome as he did not get chance to buy it in india. And got the STD test done just before coming to india, results came negative but need to retested after 8 weeks just to make sure everything is right. So he cannot do it without condome. I convinced myself that everything will be okay after coming to US as we are going to live at same place.

But our relationship never took a step forward. I came to US in Jan, by middle of Feb after so many fights and arguments over his health and s** problems, i got convinced that there is no future for us. Applied for divorce in April in US and got divorce in June.

* He also showed all characteristics as mentioned by @madras2018 including excessive cleanliness.
* He went to hospital many times but never shared any info with me even after asking. In his opinion everything is good and i do not need to know anything.
* He insisted that i should cook only in steel pans and always complained that he got stomach ache every time he ate food i made.
* should use only salt and chilly poeder no other spices at all in any curry.
* He said my waist is huge and unattractive, my mouth and body smells bad thats why he is not getting mood. But Bad smell do not bother him to do huging and kiss. He gets angry when asked about the main thing.
* no phone calls when he is in office, or when is coming home from office etc. He dont even pick calls from his cousins. He said he would call me once a week if i got job and staying away from him.
* No physical intimacy at all, no holding hands, no walking next to me, no interest to know about me. He gets upset when asked anything about his past, finances, health, family etc.
* he is not interested in doing things together like shoping, visiting friends etc

All the time when our divorce is in process he begged for another chance to make everything right. According to him it is only a misunderstanding and nothing wrong with him. He insisted that i should have tried him for 6 months. His parents are nice but took his side. According to them Asking for intimacy is not something a girl from a respected family would do. They said he was not able to do it as i did not cook him meals as per his conditions. So he got weak.

Initially i am afraid to walkout and decided to stay taking all blame on me. One time i accidentally out of frustration told to my mom about it. My parents convinced me that there is surely something wrong with him and he is not openly discussing it with me. They supported me and encouraged me to come out of this relation.

Sorry for posting very long message, i kept on writing just dont know where to stop.

 

@Swa2818 - sad, another one bites the dust. so where did you finally end up - us/ india ? I appreciate the fact that you got out without wasting too much time.

How are you coping now ? Wish you all the best.

 

Thank you for your reply!
I am in india now. I probably will settle in india. Its my parent's wish.

I did masters in US and have my H1. I wanted to be at home after marriage or atleast find work in the same city he is in. So that i can enjoy marriedlife and motherhood for couple of years. So i got gap in work before and after marriage. somehow i lost interest in both finding job and staying in US. Its totally my fault

Anyway, we already started looking for new matches. I hope we could get some relief by the end of this year.