Need Suggestions - Should I Wait For Him?

sneha1985 · Aug 25, 2016

anehstar said: ↑

Well I would suggest you to forget this guy and try the next one.
This is very common on matrimonial websites. You must be actively looking for a match and must be serious but sometimes the other person is just not into it. The guys show great enthusiasm before meeting and then abruptly stop after few months of beating around the bush.
There is also a probability of him seeking other matches in parallel.
I have also faced a similar situation. The guy kept talking and fixing the meeting date and then used to fool around. This continued for 3 months and then I blocked him. Later I felt that I wasted my 3 months unnecessarily with him planning and postponing the meeting plans.
A piece of advise for you -- Never go ahead with the guy who is not too serious in taking things further. If he really liked you and would want to meet, he would have definitely made an attempt to talk to you after fixing the meeting date. I agree people get busy with their work but they definitely do have time to drop a message mentioning about there busyness in life!!
Also,very imp: please involve your parents in such matters. Do not plan and fix meetings and all with guys alone. Have your parents have a word with his parents and fix a suitable date when you both can meet. This is a better approach and shows the seriousness and genuineness of both parties.
If you still feel he is worth a last chance, Do not send a reminder email right now. Better wait for the meeting date and check a day before if he would want to meet. If he says No or gives some excuses, Forget him completely.
All the best!!
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Wow 3 months is too much. I think mistake I made from my side if that I said yes to the meeting. I should have let parents talk first and then agreed to meet. If he doesn't call me at all, there is no point of last chance right before our meeting. I am pretty sure I would have lost all the interest in him until then.

Iamagoodgirl · Aug 25, 2016

Sneha even he meets you in person and even you both like each other keep your cool and dont get overly involve.

Just like you when i was looking for alliance ; i liked guy, had talk on phone,met twice in person.There were lot of sparks flying.He kept talking on general subject like whats happening after that for one month through google chat.But wont open marriage subject.Then he suddenly vanished after one month!

Its just too common in arrange marriages.I till date have no idea what went wrong.Well the cherry on the top is he came around latter, after he was married and i too married.Then he wanted to meet the way we meet for marriage.I was like wtf dude!

You are going to meet lot of weird people.Things are really unpredictable in arrange marriages.

I would advice you to keep options open.Probably this is guy is going to meet other few girls from your city.then he is going to compare every girl he met.Then he might choose best option he has.People really behave as it subji market.

sneha1985 · Aug 26, 2016

Alright, so that guy called me today evening and there is a twist now. 10 days back when he called, he had told me that he is thinking to go to India this year and he will finalize it after our meeting. Then on the same call he said, he is confused if he should call his parents here or should he go visit India this year.

Today he said his parents are here and he has plans of taking them for a visit to another state during the weekend. How come suddenly his parents appeared now that too within 10 days? It does sound like it was planned. He also asked me if we can video chat next week b4 we meet and to which I said I am busy. He said thats fine and he still plans to come to my city. This guy didn't wanted to talk over the phone and wanted to meet in person, but now he wants to do a video chat.

He didn't say this but I am getting a gut feeling that if he shows up here in Sept, he would come with his parents to see me. I am not ok with this, since my parents wouldn't be here. However, he asked me if my parents have a visa and if they can come to US.

Am not sure if I should ask him if he is coming with his parents and tell him that I wouldn't be comfortable or just tell him that I am not interested in him any more. Main thing is that until today he did hide from me that his parents are coming to US. Or it's even possible that his parents could have been here only, but he didn't wanted to tell me. Somehow he called me today and I couldn't attend his call, so I called back and his dad answered his cell.

madras2018 · Aug 26, 2016

It's impossible to guess the correct sequence of events. What is clear is this
1. He doesnt seem to believe in talking over phone.
2. His parents feature prominently in his decision making.
3. He seems to be overly simplifying his approach to fixing a match

In a way his preference of meeting is understandable as some people get along fine over phone but realize that they have no chemistry in person..But meeting without understanding deal breakers or red flags is time wasted. He seems to have an overly simplified approach towards selecting a bride. Secondly the good thing abt meeting his parents in the beginning is that you can know what you are getting into. If you feel comfortable with the guy and his parents you can proceed to involve your side. To make you feel more comfortable you can tell the guy that you would like to meet him first and then on day 2 you could meet his parents.

Atleast the good news for you so far is that he isnt expecting you to do any heavy lifting such as travel to meet him etc.

I get the impression you are in a dilemma because you arent comfortable with his approach overall. But at the same time because you are eager to get married soon you are hesitant about dropping an alliance on the basis of some assumptions or hunches which havent been confirmed yet.

Why not make clear to him your preferences ? Tell him that you would want to atleast discuss a few important things over phone so that both can decide on face to face meeting . Also meeting via webcam isnt a bad idea. But must take place only if and when you are comfortable. You need not reject him but you could be assertive in your own way. You dont have to worry if you will be driving away a perfectly good guy by being assertive about your preferences. The right guy will be understanding and will seek to operate on mutual preferences, no solely on his terms.

If you want to give him the benefit of doubt then do so in terms that you are comfortable. You could give it a whirl, meet him as it would cost you no more than a day. No harm done. It might put to rest any doubts about compatibility.

I sense a need for validation from your side and that you are uncomfortable or have lost some of your initial interest. If you feel this way, it is understandable, feel free to end this without feeling self doubt. Believe in your own assesments.

priyalsawaniya · Aug 26, 2016

adf

SeekingMind · Aug 26, 2016

@sneha1985 Its always better to be frank from the begin in these matters. If you don't want to do video chat and want to meet in person then tell so upfront very clearly. You don't have to say you are busy so you cannot do video chat. That doesn't sound genuine.
You don't want his parents to tag along in your meeting. Make that clear to him. Tell him that you will meet his parents only when your parents are along with you.
Finally, in my opinion, whatever it is, its always better to be clear and frank from your side from the beginning itself.

Best Wishes!

SeekingMind · Aug 26, 2016

Another thing I want to add. You said how come within 10 days his parents are here.
Look as you suspect he may have hid the fact his parents are already here last time he called you or maybe he is speaking the truth. After all, Coming to US within 10 days is not an impossible thing to do either and that too for their son's matrimonial matters. So, don't stress yourself out on this too much. Its not important.

sneha1985 · Aug 26, 2016

madras2018 said: ↑

It's impossible to guess the correct sequence of events. What is clear is this
1. He doesnt seem to believe in talking over phone.
2. His parents feature prominently in his decision making.
3. He seems to be overly simplifying his approach to fixing a match

In a way his preference of meeting is understandable as some people get along fine over phone but realize that they have no chemistry in person..But meeting without understanding deal breakers or red flags is time wasted. He seems to have an overly simplified approach towards selecting a bride. Secondly the good thing abt meeting his parents in the beginning is that you can know what you are getting into. If you feel comfortable with the guy and his parents you can proceed to involve your side. To make you feel more comfortable you can tell the guy that you would like to meet him first and then on day 2 you could meet his parents.

Atleast the good news for you so far is that he isnt expecting you to do any heavy lifting such as travel to meet him etc.

I get the impression you are in a dilemma because you arent comfortable with his approach overall. But at the same time because you are eager to get married soon you are hesitant about dropping an alliance on the basis of some assumptions or hunches which havent been confirmed yet.

Why not make clear to him your preferences ? Tell him that you would want to atleast discuss a few important things over phone so that both can decide on face to face meeting . Also meeting via webcam isnt a bad idea. But must take place only if and when you are comfortable. You need not reject him but you could be assertive in your own way. You dont have to worry if you will be driving away a perfectly good guy by being assertive about your preferences. The right guy will be understanding and will seek to operate on mutual preferences, no solely on his terms.

If you want to give him the benefit of doubt then do so in terms that you are comfortable. You could give it a whirl, meet him as it would cost you no more than a day. No harm done. It might put to rest any doubts about compatibility.

I sense a need for validation from your side and that you are uncomfortable or have lost some of your initial interest. If you feel this way, it is understandable, feel free to end this without feeling self doubt. Believe in your own assesments.
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I like that he is ready to travel so much to meet and that he believes in meeting to know each other better. Whichever guy I talked till now wanted me to travel to his place. However whenever we talk, he always ends his call saying that he is super busy for weeks and sometimes he twice that he will contact before meeting. I had told him that even we meet, lets talk over the phone as well and he said no for that saying it's better to meet in person. I feel like there is a lack of communication which is the main base for anything. I thought I will make him clear about this when he meets.

I am not in a hurry to get married. But I liked his profile initially. Now due to lack of communication and him saying he is always busy (because of which even I cannot talk to him) I am losing interest and I guess trust too. Also my parents approved of meeting him initially, but later since he started making excuses of being busy always they were unhappy of his approach. Now if he shows up with his parents to see me, they might just reject him and his family because in our case, both side parents should be present to see guy and gal. Only guy's parents cannot go and see the gal and same in case of gal's parents. So my parents will never validate this. If his plans to are to come visit me with his parents, I will have to make this clear to him.

I don't have anyone who could help me with suggestions on the steps that I am taking is right or wrong. I just have my parents to consult too always. So I post it here to get ideas on what I am doing is right or what I should be doing.

sneha1985 · Aug 26, 2016

SeekingMind said: ↑

@sneha1985 Its always better to be frank from the begin in these matters. If you don't want to do video chat and want to meet in person then tell so upfront very clearly. You don't have to say you are busy so you cannot do video chat. That doesn't sound genuine.
You don't want his parents to tag along in your meeting. Make that clear to him. Tell him that you will meet his parents only when your parents are along with you.
Finally, in my opinion, whatever it is, its always better to be clear and frank from your side from the beginning itself.

Best Wishes!
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Next time he calls me right before our meet I will have to clear out about his parents thing clearly. He didn't tell me if they are going to join him along or not. I was skeptical if it's good to ask or clearly mention that I cannot meet his parents right now.

madras2018 · Aug 26, 2016

"Whichever guy I talked till now wanted me to travel to his place"

@sneha1985

Just want to make one point here - generally speaking, never travel to meet a guy for your first meeting. It never ends well. A man who wants to meet in the comfort of his own turf is a guy who will likely run the relationship on his terms as well. I say this because knowing men, they only value what they work hard to get. A man who asks you to travel to meet him is likely leaning more towards rejecting you. In the same vein, don't offer to pay for his hotel or airfare. And don't fly to his place even if he offers to pay for yr ticket or room. Of course things change once you are in a relationship but I stand by this rule for initial meeting.

Call me old fashioned - but I only say how it works in the real world.