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Depressed. Need Some Supporting Messages

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by magneta, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. magneta

    magneta New IL'ite

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    Hi all

    I have been a silent reader in this forum for a long time. But today I am totally depressed and feel like pouring it out(A very long post, I am sorry) so I can get some voice of support. In a way, I believe I brought this all on myself and berating myself for it, so please if you could criticise me less, I will feel grateful.

    So here is the background

    I married my longtime best friend 3 years ago after a long struggle to get parents agreed to it. My father was totally against it and didnt come to my wedding. I love my parents a lot and I was a daddy's girl. I wanted his permission to marry but he wasnt ready to change his mind and I was nearing 30, so everyone else including my brothers convinced me to get married. My father said he didnt like what I was doing but he wont stop me from doing it. Infact I left for my wedding from my home. My In laws on the other hand was also totally against it but his son (My DH) wasnt going to change his mind and being afraid of what the relatives will say, agreed to get us married.

    Our married life is going on very well. we dont have any problems ourselves but whenever the talk of parents come on, we always get into fight. Even before I married, I told my DH that whatever happens, I will never stop talking to my parents and will never stop going to my home. He agreed that was ok. He said however my parents behave to him, he will just be himself and keep talking to them and wont hold any grudges and not stop me from going home as that is my right.

    my ILs come to visit us and stay with us for 6 months every year. It goes ok and they are good people but my MIL doesnt leave a single chance to subtly show that she didnt like me or care for me. During my early pregnancy stages, she was here to "take care" of me. However she only cooked good food if my DH was around. Other days it was just a simple rice and rasam oryougurt. I didnt tell this to my husband for a long time and when I told him he felt really bad. He came home soon one day to specifically see if she did that and she did. when asked why she didnt cook anything as I have to eat nutritous food, she just said she asked me and I said something simple is ok! (I always say that because I feel guitly she is the one cooking and I dont want to trouble her much, besides I am a very bad cook).

    The first time when we visited india after wedding was during a festival. I was around 5 months pregnant at that time. Before leaving to India I clearly told my DH that eventhough my dad didnt talk to him, it is my wish that he joins me during festival time and this is a onetime thing and I wont pester him again and if he doesnt like to visit, it is ok. He agreed but he said he will do it secretly as he doesnt want to hurt his parents. I said if you are coming, tell them directly and come, I dont like keeping this as secret. Like I expected, he told his parents, they made a huge scene, and said he cant go to my home. Infact, I shouldnt go to because my parents are insulting my in laws! My in laws told my DH not to go to my home as my parents havent spoken to them or invite him over. I wasnt even aware that girl's parents should call the guy's parents to tell them that they are inviting their son home! Infact they threatened their son with emotional blackmail and I was crying the whole night.

    But fair enough, I understood this is what they all have grown up with and no point in arguing. Also I understand the reason why my parents didnt invite. He feels I got married without his presence, not needed him anymore, so I should take care of everything and if ever I feel like visiting my parents I can certainly do so but I should never force him to come into my in laws home or attend any of their functions. This too I understand, because like I said I brought this on myself. My both brothers did love marriage without his presence and I too went and did the same. He just couldnt take it that all of his children decided to abandon him like that :( :( :( He does the same thing to my brothers too. He wont voluntarily invite them over but if they visit with their wives, he doesnt say anything.

    I decided to go anyway, but then again they made a huge scene saying that they cant send their DIL alone outside!! Someone from my family has to come pick me up! My dH said he would drop me to which they said no! Finally I had my brother travel from a long distance just to pick me and drop me at home. At home, My parents thought I would be coming with my DH and asked what happened. I told them because there was no invite, his parents doesnt want to send me. So my Mom called his mom and talked to her asking to send their son for festival. Again my MIL was like, ask my Dad to talk to my FIL. But my DH said this is enough and came to my home. The festival went well. Even though my dad didnt speak much to my DH, he wasnt against it and he did several rituals with him. This incident has left my ILs fuming.

    My parents agreed to come for my delivery and they were here until my son turned 5 monthsl old. during this time my DH and dad got along really well. I was happy too.

    Immediately after my parents left, we went for india and this time, my MIL said outright she wont send her son anywhere.My ILs were still furious that my parents are speaking to their son but not them. It is like my dad is insulting them when my DH was the only one who married me. if they want to be angry it should be my DH. Fair point! But I cant force my dad to do something he doesnt want to do. I cant emotional blackmail him just for the sake of me. so I said to my DH, Its ok , I am going anyway. He came to drop me off but didnt stay. Same thing happened while picking up. no staying.

    Again my ILs came here and stayed for another 6 months. My SIL and her kids spent their summer vacation for 2 months here. My parents could not come to visit again because of my Mom's medical issues and the climate here is not good enough for her. last time when she came for my delivery she suffered a lot and I dont want her to face the same just because I want to be with her. But I yearn to be with them.

    Now yesterday, we were talking about going to india. my DH was making plans to go visit several relatives and I told him I want to spend atleast 10 days at my home. since my parents cant come here, I want to make much use of it. we started arguing and my DH said it is not his fault my dad doesnt talk to them or not visit us.he called me jealous because his parents and sister's family are together and spend time. I agree, I am a little jealous but what am I to do? This is my only chance to be with my parents. My DH is blaming my parents that they dont make any effort to see me or be with me, inspite of all that I still wish to go there. He says I am belittling him infront their eyes everytime I visit them without invite! I told my DH that I clearly told to you that I wont stop going. Infact I am in this state because I ran away to marry you. Things got very ugly, i started screaming and we fought a lot and now not speaking/eating.

    I feel very very depressed. Why does my life has to be like this? Why wont my dad change? I cant expect my ILs to change. Everytime visiting home is a struggle. I feel scared whenever the topic of visiting india comes up. I am definitely sure it will end up in fight and me crying endless for days. Why do I have to fight everytime I want to go see my parents?

    I am very sad. I dont want to discuss this with my brothers or my friends as they will think bad of my DH. He is otherwise a very good husband and a very good father, I love him a lot. But I love my parents too.

    Sorry about the very long post.Please send me support messages.

    Thank you for reading.
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    at this stage of your marriage you don't understand importance of giving respect to husband but after 10 years you will understand how important to give respect for your husband and yourself.

    So far everything looks fair game to me. Your husband trying to do his best towards and so your in-laws.
    No one goes to other people house uninvited. Of course as a daughter and you can do it.

    Since you married by your wish there will be challenges and you should acknowledge that. Everyone will have ego. Your father, your In-laws and your husband. No one could compromise on things with no expectations.

    I believe you need to lay low with your parents until your father comes down little bit and save dignity of your family.
    If your father is getting the daughter without effort then he won't rethink of anything. You need to give him sometime to rethink and mingle with your husbands family. Your father can't work with you alone and that's not possible or you can't go alone to your house leaving your husband behind nor your husband can come to your house all the time without uninvited and without having cordial relationship with his parents.

    You need to acknowledge that the time will find solution and you need to be patient about it.
     
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  3. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op..your father's ego is the biggest problem here. The fact that he doesn't approve of any of his children's choices says a lot .

    I think your husband so far has been very fair . He has been respectful and fair to you and your parents.
    Don't push it .If you think it is not fair to force your father to be flexible,then don't expect husband to be flexible too. Your father has lived in a house with him and been fine...but has a problem inviting him and his parents once he is back home.

    I think if you can't get your father to be civil....you should not force you husband to interact with your family. You can tell him you feel it is unfair to him as you can't change your father...so you will interact with your family alone .You go and spend time with your family and let him do the same with his.You should lower your expectations of a normal relationship between your husband and your family.
    You could try to instead get together with your brothers .They could invite your husband and his parents to their place for a meal .
     
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  4. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    +1 to what YM has said. I was wondering too why your brothers can't invite you and your family over including ILs.

    Now I suggest that you put your hands up and admit to your husband your dad is refusing to move with the times/ change. Say you are sorry about it but there's absolutely nothing you can do to change yor father. Admit it that you understand his parents' consternation but again, you can do what you can for them bit are powerless to influence your dad - even your brothers haven't succeeded. Having said that, continue to say it is still your maternal home. Your parents are getting on in age. You want to spend time with your mum especially as she isn't able to travel. You really dont see what else you can do given everything. You really don't want to fall out with your husband on the matter. You are happy for him that his family is all together and wish your family would be like this too but since it isn't, you really want to grab that little bit of happiness that you can with your family.

    Don't ask for permission but lay it all out and tell him this is the reason you are doing what you are doing. I hope it clears the air in your home. Don't delay doing this.. by your own admission yout husband is wonderful. You don't want something that's not your fault causing a distance between the two of you.
     
  5. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Also stop banging on about being in this stare because of running away to get married. It is the past. You had to do what you did because your dad refused to step up. You seem to have chosen a good life partner. So thank your stars.

    Tell him the equation you have with your parents doesn't reflect on him. You understand his view point but you can't distance yourself that way - especially when it affects your mum so much. You wish you were all one big happy family but you can't pull it together all by yourself.

    Leave the past out of your argument. Tell him you understand his frustration. It isn't his fault or his parents'. Everyone is the way they are and you hate tobe the one caught in the middle. Talk to him. Don't get defensive or dismissive.

    When your dad has spent time in his home and has got on well with your husband, it's only natural that your husband takes it personally when your dad refuses to do the little bit he has to do to invite your husband over... So give it a thought and say the right things to your husband. Stop thinking or talking about this as though you brought it on yourself. Sadly for you, your dad is the one to blame here
     
  6. magneta

    magneta New IL'ite

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    Thank you Priya, Yellowmango and Guesshoo for replying. It means a lot to me.

    As much as I am ashamed to admit it, My father does have a very big ego :( :( :(

    My husband knows this very well and understands we can do nothing to change him. So as you all have said, he has been very fair to me and trying to keep that balance between me and his parents. Also I dont want to drag him up to my home everytime we visit india. Infact, I dont want him to come there at all given that my father is not trying to step up. I feel really embarassed everytime my dad does this.

    I was really depressed because now they are trying to restrict my access to my home. My husband has been ok with it so far. but ever since my in laws came here and went back, he says things like "just go for one day" or go in the morning and be back in evening. I feel it is very unfair because he gets to stay with his parents for more than 6 months here and then in india but I just have to make do with one day.

    My mother had the same problem. Because of a fight between my dad's and mom's parents, my dad got angry and never allowed my mom to go to her native. She never saw her parents and I never saw my grand pa. My grand ma would secretly visit us. When our grandpa died, before we could reach the place (our car broke down), they had cremated him because everyone thought we wouldnt come. I could still remember my mom crying her heart out. I really dont want that to happen to me because of my dad. Which is why even though my dad doesnt invite anyone of us, I still wanted to go see them. because that is the only way I could meet her and get my son to be with her. They are both getting very old. and Just because of formalities, I dont want to miss out being with them during their last years.

    My husband knows this very well and understands this is why I keep going back to my place. Infact he says it is my son's right to be with their grandparents whether they initiate it or not.

    But suddenly when he said I have to think about not going to my home, I was wondering what made him say that. If my ILs are behind this. But then he is not the sort to blindly believe everything his parents say. he always thinks and does what is fair to him. Is he getting fed up of my arrangement? does he want me to change my mind? Hence my depression.

    One thing is very certain, My dad is never going to change. My mom suffered until now and I am enduring it as well.

    By the way, My brothers do speak to his family, invites them over and talks to them on phone regularly. But my ILs are not ready to think that as family thing or take it seriously because my dad is not speaking to them
     
  7. trishausmn

    trishausmn New IL'ite

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    im feel very bad for the situation you are into
    im really sory to say this but i think this is all because of your dad. please talk to him and try to convince him and make him understand what situations you are going through because of his deeds, doing that might be a bit difficult for you but think you should do that to sort out the things.
    good luck
     
  8. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Is it because you have a child together now? You going by yourself vs you going with baby without him maybe hurting him. It's different when he is too busy to come and you go for a short visit. It's different when he is in town, when your baby is welcome at your parents place but your baby's father doesn't have a place in your house.

    As a side question , how will you explain this to a child as he grows up? Why is dad not coming to see grandparents? Isn't dad mean for not coming etc? Kids can ask these questions you know.


    You should write this down and give it to your dad. He can't be passive aggressive towards his grandchild's father and then expect to have any kind of rights on the grandchild. He is going to miss out on opportunities because he is this way. I always think grandparents relationship to grandkids is through the parents. They can't exclude one and have a complete relationship with grandkids. It doesn't work that way.

    Possibly. Or he thinks he is done putting up with it. Nobody is going to be the understanding spouse for ever. There maybe times it gets to him and he reacts.

    Your irritation has to be guided to the right target. Your dh and in-laws aren't to blame. He tried. Your Dad isn't reciprocating. The problem is with your Dad and if he doesn't fix this then you have to make peace with it. The strained relationship between your father and husband might mean you are going to have to give up on them spending six months a year with you, having quality time with your kids other than an occasional visit etc. As the kids grow older your husband may change his mind about this situation. Expect that and try to not blame him for it.

    I feel terrible for your Mom, btw. It's not easy to live with someone like this and miss out on kids and grandkids. It's her life though and you can't help her in anyway. She is probably talking to your dad and he is probably being stubborn. I would say don't talk about your mom/kids equation with your dad. Tell him about you and him and your kids and him. Make it about him and keep her out of the conversation.

    Sorry about your situation. Don't blame yourself. It isn't you.
     
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  9. magneta

    magneta New IL'ite

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    Dear Laks09

    Thank you for this very insightful reply. Yes, I think you are right. I seem to have overlooked the fact about how my husband feels in all this. I have just thought about myself :(

    I will definitely follow through with your idea of writing all down to my dad. I will see how it goes. If he is still stubborn, then he will be missing out a lot on his grandkids. And I will have to give up on mostly occasional visits.

    yes my mom is in a terrible situation and I understand I cannot change anything in her life. I was trying until now. but from your fresh viewpoint, I dont think I can ever change it.

    Thank you for your advice. It is very helpful.

    Kind Regards :)

     
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