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Chosing a husband, chosing to stay in a marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by FreeAtLast, Jan 23, 2016.

  1. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    Op,Rather Asg Welcome Back. Remember me??. Bravo!!.You are a woman worth her weight in gold.Too bad your nasty in laws and ex husband didn't realize. Their loss. I know gujju's in general and they r definitely not your in laws. Your in laws seems to be the very uncultured and low class. I have never seen any gujju or rajasthani women drink. My best friends are gujju's and rajasthani's.All I can say is you r better off leaving them.They r rubbish of worst kind and they wud only bring more stench into your life.

    You are a sweet girl. You are only 28.You will definitely meet someone worthy of you. If you understand hindi you will understand this - kachra nikal ke hi safai milthi hain.(Removing trash you get clean thing).You removed trash - now you will get substance. This time take your time.Get to know each other and when you feel you are ready to get married do so.

    Your ex's chances of marrying again is slim to none.2 time divorcee is a monumental warning sign. Not to mention the highly qualified extended family.(joking).Good Luck.
     
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  2. FreeAtLast

    FreeAtLast Silver IL'ite

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    Oh Chocolate, yes of course I remember you! Thanks for the welcome back. I'm just sad I wasn't coming back with happy news.

    You know, my inlaws are the wealthiest of the wealthy in india. The extended family are drunks too, but they (his aunts, uncles, cousins) have managed to succeed because they marry rich, build their kids up, etc while getting drunk. but my fil is a drunk, married a prostitute (my mil) from the lowest class family imaginable, and then instead of investing or growing their money they spent it gambling, drinking, more women for my fil and more jewelry for my mil. When the money got low, that's when they started taking renewed interest in my husband. When I went to india, being with the middle class regular families was the best, especially the gujaratis because I don't drink or like non veg and neither do they. But being with my inlaws.. all his family wants to do is brag about their trip to Switzerland or how much money they spent on their underwear (yes, one of his female cousins was telling my husband where she bought her "lingerie" what it looked like and how much it costed WHILE she was wearing it and winking at him). Good grief. but his family is called the high class and cultured in india. I don't understand it. I also don't understand why they are so crued, yet they want a rajasthani girl who covers her face and is per their words "docile and submissive". They should pursue a cheap girl that will fit in with them, not girls like me or the first wife who have nothing in common with them. There were times he was so romantic and wonderful or smart and funny but wow were the bad times bad. I still can't believe we won't experience any of those good times together ever again though. :-(

    He is 2 times divorcee, but he would never tell anyone he was married to the first wife. He will pretend I was the first one and that we broke up because "I didn't respect his culture". Who will be there to tell the third woman she is the third? Nobody. He will definitely get away with it. His marriage to me took place when he was 32, it's believable that he wasn't married before me. His next wife will just think she's the second.

    as for me, next time I'm going to be very cautious and take as much time as I need to be sure I know who I'm marrying. I hope I can love again as much as I did with him. I can't imagine it, but everyone tells me it's possible.
     
  3. chocolate

    chocolate Platinum IL'ite

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    FAL, Your ex needs an ATM in the form of wife. I am not sure he will get one . His family is used to hi fi living . They need an enabler and your ex wont be able to satisfy them for long. Hence the wife. Now nobody in sane mind will keep on enabling it for long. Arranged marriage is out of question and love marriage may not be an option too becoz the girl will see thru all this nonsense .You shud be happy you are free of their tentacles. You wud have suffocated yourself if not already.Good Luck and good riddance.
     
  4. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi ASG, how are you doing? My heart breaks to hear your story. I remember reading your posts when I was going through a rough phase back in 2010. You offered such nice advises for my problems. You were such a mature smart person and I think that time I think you were studying with a realitively happier marriage.
    a warm hug from me if at all that'll make you feel better.
     
  5. Amba79

    Amba79 Senior IL'ite

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    FreeAtLast, I just recently signed up to Indusladies, but I've been a lurker for ages, and I remember you as ASuitableGirl. I remember privately wondering why such an intelligent, level-headed young woman was with someone like your husband. Your last posts as ASuitableGirl were harrowing, and I guess the fact that it took you an additional five years to break free goes to show how insidious abusive relationships can be.

    While some people have taken issue with your comments on Indian culture, I don't. While misogyny exists everywhere, and Western culture definitely isn't free of it, misogyny in Indian culture differs from misogyny in Western culture both in scale and intensity, and the particular way in which it's expressed. Since that's the case, I think women (both Indian and non-Indian), should definitely do some due diligence before embarking on a relationship with an Indian man.

    I would advise anyone dating or thinking of marrying an Indian man to take a look at his family background, and to walk away if there's any abuse or extreme gender bias. The same hold true for Western men, but I think it's easier for Westerners to transcend problematic familial backgrounds, since filial piety isn't such a big deal in Western culture.

    Also, I'd advise women to steer clear of divorced Indian men, unless they come from very liberal, cosmopolitan backgrounds that allow divorce for incompatibility. Most Indian women won't walk away from their marriages until matters have become very dire, so when I hear that an Indian man is divorced, I (perhaps cynically) assume that he's treated his wife terribly. I realize that that's not entirely fair, but I don't think one has to be entirely fair when it comes to protecting oneself.
     
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  6. vaidehi71

    vaidehi71 IL Hall of Fame

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    You have nice way of writing, you should write a snippet. Surprising that you been a lurker for years. Good to see you in IL.

    @Freeatlast - sorry for the digression
     
  7. minn1

    minn1 Silver IL'ite

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    please dont think all indian men are like this .ofcourse u would feel but that is not at all true.abusers are there everywhere every society.western or indian you were their DIL should not have been abused like this .Now a days not even illiterate village girls tolerate this even in India.but,u were sooooo innocent and ur love was blind this is wakeup call for all women .u can love ur man but with eyes wide open,if possible if u have free time be emotionally detached just like for serving society see if any legal action can be taken against that a****e.it will benefit many
     
  8. minn1

    minn1 Silver IL'ite

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    iam surprised becoz my husband is born and brought up in india his family is also tradition loving but in true indian culture a DIL is never abused.infact my husband treats me like a little princess and so r my inlaws sometimes my sil get jealous because when i go to their home my mil prpare juice and comes from kitchen and gives me in hand whereas for sil she just prepare and keep in kitchen .they make extra effort to make me comfortable.same is my husband friends my pil are married for 35 plus years ,my family also my aunts ,uncles ec just one marriage the bond between hus and wife is amazing offcourse few drunkards etc r there but these kinds of issues ,this much abuse is shocking .moreover what i feel very strange this is high among NRI men and not born and brought up here men why??
     
  9. APS45

    APS45 Silver IL'ite

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    Relatively old thread, just had a chance to glance through:

    First of all, kudos to you for having the courage to walkout of such abusive relationship. It is really unfortunate that you have ended up with a set of completely screwed up people who call themselves as family.

    Agree that our society is still far away from realizing equality between sexes in comparison with western standards but your experience is really uncommon, I really feel sorry for what you have gone through. It is the very people who abuses their women use words like "tradition", "culture" day-in day-out, just to hide their ugly faces and greediness.

    Having said that, it remains a mystery for me how come some bright and brilliant girls end up falling for such ***holes. Some lessons women should learn from here, how they assess, verify and conclude about their choice of life partner - be it a love marriage or arranged marriage. Take your time, establish the credibility and natural behavior of the man, be wary of sugary words and extra nice behavior.

    I wish you a good luck, to find a right man and have a peaceful life.
     
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  10. FreeAtLast

    FreeAtLast Silver IL'ite

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    Hi all,

    It's been over a year since I started this thread and I wanted to give an update! Especially for those women in abusive marriages who wonder what 'happens after' divorce and moving on.

    My divorce was finalized in July 2016. The week it was finalized I moved across the country to get away from my ex and now live in the beautiful PNW. I have since met the man of my dreams and am madly in love! He's wonderful. We've been together about 6 months now and are looking to get married in the spring of 2018. He is kind, handsome, respectful, smart, loving and he truly values me. His family loves me too. We are SO excited for our future. Job wise, I now work as a manager at a nonprofit organization that helps survivors of domestic violence, and our focus is the South Asian community. It's weird how life has come full circle in that way! To anyone who is in an abusive relationship I want you to know that if you seek it, if you are willing to struggle at first and leave a relationship you know is wrong, life on the other side can be beautiful. You ARE worthy of love and it IS out there. And to the curious minded, no my new partner is not Indian, but he LOVES my Indian cooking. :)

    Some of you may wonder what happened to my ex husband. Well, he had another arranged marriage! To recap... wife #1 was arranged, wife #2 (me) was "love", and Wife #3 (the new one) is a 43 year old never married doctor woman. They got married last weekend! A quick googling of his name showed that he is still chasing after prostitutes and **** stars even after his engagement to her. I assume it'll be a matter of time before she notices his violent temper because abusers never change. I have so many questions.... why did she not investigate his background, why would she settle for someone with so little to offer? But I suppose sometimes in arranged marriages a lot of trust is put in the system and reality comes out later. My hope is that when her time comes to face his wrath and abuse, she will not waste as many years as I did trying to make it work.

    Hope everyone who followed my story as 'asuitablegirl' and now as 'Freeatlast' are doing well! Lots of love to you all.
     

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