Vent And In Need Of Suggestions

Diwali is on a Sunday this time. As far as I know, Thala Deepavali main rituals are performed the previous day as in Saturday evening (Naraka chaturdashi ) in your case. So you could leave on Friday evening to your parents place, enjoy the celebrations and return on Sunday afternoon/evening. you will be lighting the lamp/celebrating at your place too and have ample time for getting settled and going to office while not missing being with your sister and family on their important day.

Please think about it.

 

Let this season pass dear... As many of us suggested, go to your parents' place this time, and enjoy. Let your H enjoy his times at his parents' place too.
However, you must lay some ground rules after this episode is over. Since you guys are living in a nuclear family on your own, you must start to respect yours as a FAMILY.
In laws and parents are gonna be your extended family from now onwards.
Just the 3 of you will make your family.

So, start celebrating everything as a family. Make sweets, buy new cloths, crackers etc... and celebrate the whole event as a family.
If your H has other reasons to continue to celebrate his festivals with in laws, let him be. But don't change your mind. You and your kid are very much a family. Just do things fabulously and enjoy the festivals at your home.
Festivals are great reasons to clean the house, change the interior and make delicious dishes at home.
Meet your neighbors, share sweets with them, visit temple, light lamps in the house and follow all the traditions. Entertain visitors to your place and make memories too.
You can visit your parents or in laws the next day. Initially it may be difficult, but soon you will enjoy the taste of it. Who knows, your H will start to feel your place as his home, and respect it with love.
Somehow you really need to do a lot of ground work to control your life. This is the right time. Wake up girl.

 

I don't think any one here advised you for tit-for-tat.
It works elsewhere, but definitely not in a marriage. Because in marriage we chose the battle for a win-win. Both parties to be on the winning side for a happy and healthy marriage.

Your problems are indeed not that much serious.

Your husband likes to please his parents, for a self satisfaction. Perhaps, his ego will be hurt if you don't respect him before them. He is designed like that, or made to believe in that.
Whatsoever, accepting him as who he is will be the only option you have for now.

But how you are gonna accept him is what gonna make your marriage.

1) You may chose to accept him wholeheartedly.
2) Or accept him with no other choice; thus repenting for it always. As a result you may try tit-for-tat, and show ego. but at the end of the day, you both will lose your marriage
3) You may chose to accept him, but not necessarily giving up your own taste. That's where a healthy compromise comes in.
You need a lot of talking, adjustments and happy memories to arrive at here.

You definitely need time and patience and a lot of maturity to arrive at this 3rd place.

My H would ask, rather force me to attend to in laws and their side of the functions everytime during the early times of our marriage. It was an unwritten rule, and I have no choice.
But he would not even attend to any function that is hosted by my own parents, living in the same city as us.
No doubt, I would go mad and fight with him for this injustice. I had a choice, i.e stop attending his side of the functions and stop expecting him to my side of the functions.
But it did not look good in a long run. We were like always alone with our respective parents during each functions.
So, I decided to let go of the past. Made peace with those traumatic days.
I voluntarily attended to his side of the functions even without him asking for it. It surprised him.
He was indeed very much appreciative of that, and helped me during that function by being around.
I did the same for the next few functions eagerly.
The only difference is, earlier I would show faces, and attend to the events reluctantly. I would have half spoiled the fun before the event itself due to this.
But this time, I attended enthusiastically. So, we indeed had a lot of fun memories.
With that happy mood, I made a request to my H to give me the same happiness by attending to my side of the functions.
He could not say no. So he attended. It took us another few months/years to actually have fun there. He attended reluctantly, and he would get pissed off if anything happens against his taste.
But I was patiently helping him, and making the moment comfortable for him.
But I have never ever expected my folks to bend over backward to please my H.

I did not crib or make faces even if the event was of bad taste. We continued to work on our marriage.
Soon after the kids came to the picture. We forgot which side of the function we are attending to. It was all about how comfortable our kids would be. We cared for each other as family and entertained others who entertained us.

As time goes, the functions we attended were customized as per our taste. It is not like your sis vs my sis. It is like who is the fav one.
Sometimes we would attend all the functions of my siblings and none of his. Sometimes all the functions of his and none of mine. It is all about our time and comfort and the person who invites us.

We also started to have our own functions and invited others. So, everything is depended on how others treated us as a family.

 

Just tell that, now you are concentrating on your profession and want to grow.( Usually that is the goal for any women after kids and they start going to school, i.e again concentration goes to her interests/career/life goals )

1 . As you are no more joint family, this will change, and from your mind also their thoughts will go away, it may take 6 months or year I guess. There is also possibility that if you don't go to their house they keep coming to your house every month, and again same thing, your H may try to impress his parents, by highlighting home made masalss are not done etc. You manage those days tactfully wichich ever works either keeping yourself busy or cook nice food those days they may be happy with that.

2. If he expects clean house etc, hire a person to clean house, dishes, laundry and where ever you can, and concentrate on you and kid stuff., going to park, or library or you two just play.

3. He is lazy, you can't do anything, but see if you can assign a dialy chore to him, like giving bath to kid in the evening/make her sleep by telling stories etc. Assign some kid related task, as he likes to be with kid,

May be for this diwali, you don't go anywhere, celebrate at your home.

But don't you think, as you expect him to go to his parents without you, he also expecting you to go to your parents without him. There is nothing bad in this. Parents bonding is deep and son-in-law 's bond is just a formality with your parents. Once in a year if he visits your parents and stays for 1/2 day also it is fine in my view. But for you, your parents are the support system, and you love them so you want to go. In future, please decide that you will be going by yourself to see parents.

May be he is saying no, to show his power over you. If you think , now things are settling down, why to fight over this. Just be calm.
But you go some other time just to see your parents, that would give more relaxed time to spend with them instead of at functions time.

 

@BDivya when I read your posts, I have a feeling you are being put through emotional abuse - you are denied approval until the other person fancies giving it. It sounds like your foundation is being chipped away without much warning.

Please could you Google and go through "emotions abuse" and "narcissistic personality disorder"?

I had to deal with a lot of the former and I think the latter but my husband is a hugely changed man since. If you identify with what you read, perhaps I could tell you my story.

 

@BDivya - Do you think you can make anyone spend quality time with you by force?
If so, it won't be interesting as you imagine. An uninterested person may finally chose to spend time with you due to continuous nagging at home. But that "time spending" will not be interesting and happy for both. You can't force anybody to love you. Learn that first.

Your H chose to spend time with others and elsewhere but not with you. Could you sense anything here?
Perhaps he thinks the time spend with you will literally mean listening to your nagging, or entering into an argument about in laws etc.. I don't know how do you really spend your time with your H otherwise.

When I had all those problems in my mind in the past, all I meant by spending time with H was nagging. Yes, I needed an ear to listen to all my frustrations caused by his folks. I choose him. Slowly these nagging will become arguments since he will become defensive. Then eventually everything will turn bitter because we will end up having fights. Every "time spending" has this history.
So, my H rather chose not to spend time with me. He would not say it openly, but his actions showed it all. He would watch TV till he fall asleep. Then lay on the bed till I become busy in the rushing morning hrs. He would go to saloon (for hair colouring, hair cutting etc..etc..) and spend so much time on the weekend afternoons. He would spend time with his friends on the beach at nights, but not with me.
I would fight for that as well.

I wanted to bring all this to an end. So, I volunteered to be the change.
I stopped the nagging. In fact I didn't see myself wrong for these nagging, because I had nothing to nag except for the problems he and his family caused. But nagging further distanced us.

Instead I tried to make our "time" a special one. Just like watched movies together. The same movie which he usually watch alone.
Made chips and drinks to share during the movie time.
Suggested other good movies, and good theaters instead of watching on-line at home.

Slowly these "time spending" together has changed. It has become beautiful with those fragrance of other comforts.
We chose to discuss about other things like friends, colleagues, politics, cinema etc..etc... and found similar taste in us.
This is when I started to find alternate sources for my venting. Because I could not keep all those troubles within me either. Indusladies helped a lot. After venting here, I could be as normal as before.

Believe me or not. My H rewarded me for not talking negative about his family for a constant 6 months time on some special day. Then only I noted that he is indeed seeing the difference in me.
So, I rewarded him for being there for me, and spending time with me.

We then opt for long drive, weekend outing, shopping, friends' visit etc..etc.. together, instead of going alone or going with our respective folks.

Life did not change within a day. It has taken a good 2+ years for a complete change. Even we are still changing for good.
Now that I speak honestly about everything under the sky with my man. That includes in laws as well.
But my view about in laws have changed a lot. Now a days, I always see how best I could change to bring any change in the person who matters to my life.
So, if at all I say something critical about in laws, my H blindly trusts me. He stands by me and supports me.
The same husband blindly followed his folks against me some 6 years back.