In The Verge Of Breaking Relation With Parents

harun · Aug 6, 2016

The person x (just want to keep private because of soem reasons)is 30 +years old had LOVE marriage with a guy from different state.Since x family was very ...very...orthodox initially nobody agreed,but with half minded her married got her married and very ..very few close relatives only attended the marriage. so even relatives were not accepting their marriage.But slowly as years passed 7 + something ..little ..relatives and parents were OK in accepting their relation.The X family live abroad and during kids vacation they visit the native place.
Now my question is some of X relatives still don't welcome her to their home,if she doesn't intiate by making a call to them or something similar to that.But X parents treat those relatives adult Childrens some are MARRIED and some or working with NO Difference (with required extent of maintaining relation ,they won't feel any diffrence)
Now X is very ANGRY with her parents regarding this matter.And she has told her parents that she will not visit them again.what reason she is saying is she can tolerate the relatives negligance but her parents behaviour towards their kids is making her feel more worse).
PLEASE pour in your views to tackle this situation

kcb · Aug 6, 2016

Dear OP,

Onething your friend has to understand is, she lives in abroad and visits India once a year or once in two years, but her parents are living in India. They cannot cut their bonds with other relatives. They need to maintain good relation with their relatives, may be in emergencies relatives may help them, your friend cannot help her parents as she lives in abroad.

I can understand your friend's frustration, but she has to let it go. If relatives & their children are not talking to her, even she may choose to not to talk to them, but she cannot expect her parents to do the samething.

Why she is spoiling her relation with her parents just for the sake of relatives?

harun · Aug 6, 2016

Very well written i will definetely pass or ur advising words to her.I believe she is in her peak ANGER and SADNESS.
Any more advise and suggestions welcome.
she seems to be only angry with her PARENTS not with relatives ,she is ok when they don't call or acknowledge her anything,but since she is married off now for so many years 7 +.. she is not able to tolerate her parents affection towards the SAME relatives childrens who DON'T CARE HER.

harun · Aug 6, 2016

please share your views and suggestins to help X

beautifullife30 · Aug 6, 2016

Hey, the situation is something I can relate to. Love marriage, first kid born when parents were still angry. Second one was born and my side relatives came down and are now ok with us. His side is still against talking to DH as well.
My side people are not comfortable around my first one. He was born when my dad expired so I kept my dad's name for him but they don't call him by that name as well. My mom stays with us. So most of his I'll treatment is done by her. Not in terms of beating but it terms of ignoring him, not addressing him properly and such.

My take is that i have left expecting people to like my kids. I can't force anybody into liking my kids. They are my kids. So I ensure I shower all the love they need to grow.

I don't go my relatives house much. When they come to my house also they talk well to me and my DH. My kids are ignored. Kids being kids didn't like that and they force the elders to like them like trying to talk to them, asking their opinion on clothes. Now my side is slowly adjusting to my kids.

It takes time. Ask your cousin to have patience. Bonding happens slowly and takes time. For the kids to bond with grandparents, they need to be around. Honestly you can't stay in another continent and expect people back home to forget the past stuff and bury the hatchet. ,...my two cents.

harun · Aug 6, 2016

hi beutifulllife here x is not able to take up the affection or normal behavaviour which her relatives childrens get from her parents despite she being ignorned/kind of insulted by the same set of childrens parents.
For eg x has a aunt she totally igornes x but x 's parents show affection/kindness to the same aunt's daughter or son.

MalStrom · Aug 6, 2016

Your friend's parents are entitled to maintain their own relationships with their extended family, especially since your friend does not live near them. She should not make it a me-versus-them. You also don't know the day to day details of the parents' lives.
In my case I live abroad and my brother in India lives in a different city from my parents. If my parents need urgent help they call upon my cousins who live close to their house. So on a daily basis my parents interact more with my cousins than with us. We are all friendly but even if I had differences with my cousins I would not let it interfere with my parents being nice to them.
Tell your friend not to spoil her relationship with her parents over this matter.

Elastigirl · Aug 16, 2016

Hi,

Sorry, but the implication is such that X is a bit selfish in this matter. She has done this marriage by going against everyone in her family. Also by going against everybody, she has knowingly entered into this situation. So, in a place like India, it is natural that relatives behave in this way. She has no control in matters like these. We cannot mess with the free will of people around you. If her relatives are wrong they will realise and learn their lesson that life gives them. She need not have relation with those people that insult her. Her parents are a 100% right to shower the same love on everybody irrespective of their love for one another. They are grandparents and it is their duty to be fair and treat everyone equally. She must accept this situation and get on with life.

Regards
E