My Marriage - A Bag Of Lies!

Hi op
Your H has felt happy seeing your gift.does it means that he loves you? May be he is immature to return you back.
Your first few years of marriage is important
Act now before its late. Find out what he is before drawing conclusions.

 

Take a month leave, go there on a surprise visit, find out what he is.then decide. May be you might have in laws interferences if you are in India?
That one month can bring you a lot of information about him.I think one Ilite had rendered help to get further details of him.did you try?

 

Rageni any update on your situation..

Going there surprise visit is all of no use.

End the marriage now than to prolong it.. No private detective idea will not work...

His basic attitude towards the marriage is not right.. what is the use living in it

 

Dear OP

I haven't read the entire thread, but I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I really don't want to be nasty and drive you paranoid, I feel like i'm opening up Pandora's box.

I'm of Indian heritage - 5th or 6th generation Indian in a non Asian country. So we are Indian but very westernized.

A lot of Indian (nationals) men come here and are very quick to start affairs and relations with women here. The act like they are single. Later its found out that they are married or engaged to women in India. When confronted about it , they usually have sad Bollywood worthy stories about it being an arranged marriage that they were forced into by family or that their wives treat them badly. Some say they are married but living like singles because they don't want to disgrace their family with divorce. I am talking from personal experiences. I have come into contact with quite a few of these kinds of men, luckily i had caught on early on. Has happened to a few other women i know. Cyber stalking produces amazing results. I think the surprise visit will be helpful. Cyber stalk him!!!

 

Any updates? My 2 cents is dont go to ireland or leave your job..as you have stated the whole family selled a bag of lies to your family and sadly u bought all..

 

Ok....this is my first post in this forum. I had to reply after reading your thread.
Hope you will read it with an open mind as it is coming from someone who has spent her whole life among boys/men.

1. Yes, your husband does sound like immature, but I'm sure he is not a BAD guy. He is more like confused and scared of whole situation.
He just does not want to make the situation more worse hence not showing much participation specially for divorce. A typical behavior by such type of men.

2. Yes, your husband is money-minded but I'm sure that is not all about him. It is just part of his personality that you have concentrated more on. Moreover,I feel like he has never considered you as a typical wife but more like a friend/buddy or someone like his own. Seems like he was very comfortable with you.
Looks like your husband has never been in a relationship with any girl before or doesn't have any sister.
(This guy just has to learn a lot how to treat a Lady. Do not worry, he will also learn his lessons like all others once you guys will start your married life.)

3. Yes, he is scared, very scared of whole mess that has gone completely out of his control. You have all your family support but that guy is sitting far away and the only trusted support he has of his parents. He does not want to divorce but just can not trust you after all this.
(He behaved as if nothing happened in front of you because he is scared to make is more messy and genuinely expected from you behave normal.)

Such guys think that all issues can be solved, nothing is big deal for them. They take life very casually. I'm sure your husband had no idea that his job location would end up in big mess. By not telling you it before marriage till the end is just his way to delay the problem until there is no escape.
But your husband is not BAD, he had a casual approach for the whole job location.

4. After marriage, his interest in only your job prospects around his job location did show that he badly wanted you with him but at the same time he wanted you to be working also. Yes, he is money-minded and definitely not in head over heel in love with you. He wanted you to be with him but also was ready to wait till you get a job.
(You must be confused, yes men can be very confusing at times to understand)

5. Now, take a deep breath and look around you. Everyone around you want this marriage to work except your expectations from your husband. Your expectations of a typical husband is the only villain in your story. Please kill it right away because you are also not behaving like a typical wife so please stop
expecting from him.

6. You are living with your family in your hometown and going through extreme pressure regarding your marriage. You will be prone to take wrong decision under these conditions. Please put a STOP to everything. Halt legal action, tell your parents, ILs and everyone else to just leave you alone and do not discuss until you are mentally prepared to face it all over again (may be with a new perspective).

Only keep the communication window open for your husband. Tell him frankly that you are fed up of everything and going in switch off mode for sometime.
In case he is interested in divorce, he can continue the proceedings, you will have no objections to it.

7. I'm sure you will get positive answer from your husband because this is exactly he also wants. Just leave the things the way they are, do not rush to make things more messy.
STOP. Do not go to Dublin, do not ask him to come to India. Nothing just stop thinking about marriage. Make yourself and your husband free from any burden of expectations.

8. Try to think your husband as your boyfriend who does not want to break the friendship and wants you to remain as his girlfriend but that soul has no idea how to do it. Do not be make yourself unapproachable for him. Please be available for him, answers his calls, send him mails.

9. If things start going positive, ask him to plan for a mini vacation. If you happen to meet, do not start with discussing your issues. First have some good time with good food, outing.

10. Though this time your guy may not treat you like his buddy like earlier (Handbag/chocolate instances) but I'm sure you know he is not BAD.

Please give it a try, you seem to be a nice girl. Just make him your friend.

PS - These type of guys often end up in a doting father. Trust me

 

" If I dont talk about anything I mean any issues in particular, I agree that he would be happy and I know thats what he wants. But, what next? He will not care take the subject again till I breech it. He will be in onsite till he has the opportunity and visit here during vacations and I believe that's what he wants!

And, I dont expect him to be in head over heels in love with him.. but, zero interest towards a new wife is something different. No interest to meet her, no interest to spend time with her, no big interest to live together with her.
Trust me, when he said he has to go back, even I clearly knew that I had been lied to, I didnt fight or ask why he lied, I didnt want to accuse him or start with a fight at the beginning of the married life, so, I just told me my situation, how things will turn out if I stay here alone for long, and he said he will take me in 2 months.

But he didnt take me seriously. If I talk calmly, he will take me for granted and If I talk firmly and give an ultimatum, I am tagged that am shouting!

The first time I ever raised my voice is after 4 to 5 months of trying to talk softly. trying to form a trust, like you said trying to make him my friend.. but he doesnt seem to care any of those, he was ok until he had his way! Now since I am being a problem, he just left it to his parents to solve, as they are the ones who pulled him into it. Divorce or not, his only concern is that he doesnt want to be blamed for that."



Hi Rajeni

Life is too short to live with for all such complications ! Hats off to you the way you have tried to handle the situation, remember one thing ! relationship with anybody can be a compromise but with the life companion ( husband ) Life becomes miserable , Its one life given by God to you so live your life. Let your husband do whatever he wants to do? He being elder to you ( indian marriage have elder to wife at least by 2 to 5 yrs ) and living abroad What surprises me is Does he not miss a woman ( the other gender , while he is single there ? ) . So your husbands neutral or not bothering about you shows that he is not worth a LIFE from you.

So dont worry speak to your parents clear up the mess , put behind things and move on.

Now the society has changed the way it use to see woman few decades back

So don't worry God has created this world so beautiful to live for the life , he gives us on the earth , so decide , clear , and move on.

All the Best
God will help those Who help themselves .

Madhu