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When Parenting Drifts Us Apart

Discussion in 'Miscellaneous in Parenting' started by priyabaghel, Jul 29, 2016.

  1. priyabaghel

    priyabaghel Silver IL'ite

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    After those 20 hours of intense labor, I assumed there’s nothing that can be more challenging and exhausting than this. But soon enough, I understood that there is indeed something which is more challenging physically and much more emotionally. We call that ‘Parenting’ I believe. Because labor is going to end sooner or later but parenting is going to be lifelong task.
    Remembering those good old times, when we just conceived, our happiness knew no bounds. We were ecstatic to become parents. We discussed everything from diaper to discipline. But there’s something I wish we would have discussed much earlier on so that we remained ‘mostly’ on the same page (because ‘always’ would be too much dreamy) and that is the style of parenting we want to adopt.
    We have been together for so long that never did I imagine that we can have such differences in our opinions and approach that it will one day start questioning the stability of our relationship. And one does not realize this until one already has a tiny human being screaming at his best to garner all your attention that he could. We spoke about everything under the sun, but I guess the most important thing we neglected to talk about is the specifics of how we want to raise our children. And soon after our little one arrived, we realized what a blunder we made!
    The problem arises when the style of parenting clashes. Each one of us has been brought up differently. Of course the basic values like honesty and being good human remains the same, there are certainly differences in the way they are inculcated. There’s always a mystic feeling of bringing up our little ones as we were brought up because we believe that’s the best way. Well, undoubtedly it was for us but not necessarily for our children. It gets further intricate when it is an inter caste partnership where the two individuals merge with absolutely two different style of upbringing. A small example where one believes it’s not good to over eat and hence leave what you cannot eat and the other says do not take what you cannot eat because wasting food should never be an option. Very trivial, right? But it is good enough for some arguments and lot of stress. It’s never about who is right and who is wrong because parenting can never be a win-win situation. It’s about what you want to pass on to your kids.
    So the problems started pouring in as everyday for the most trivial things, our parenting style started to clash. We started arguing on every possible thing on earth right from eating habits, bedtime habits, how to bathe the baby and what should be the correct temperature of water and the list is endless! Discussions turned into arguments. We went to bed and slept without facing each other. We hardly enquired about each other’s day. However trivial these might seem, it surely builds some stress in the relationship. As I pondered on this, I realized we have stopped being a couple ‘in love’. It was getting hard for me to remember when was the last time we hugged each other or stole a kiss? I don’t know how things changed but I soon realized this certainly needs to change. It wasn’t leading anywhere, nor being successful as parents neither being supportive as a couple.
    Although we loved our little one the most, we soon realized that parenting is drifting us apart. Let me not forget what brought us together in the first place, what brought this tiny part of us into our lives. It’s Love! Then why are we losing it now. After all it’s happy parents who build a happy home. It’s not good to let the ‘parent’ in us overshadow the ‘couple’ in us because until we are at the happiest state of our mind, we cannot make our children secure. So the day this dawned on us, we started making effort to make our relationship smooth and to not let the parenting issues overpower it because such issues are always going to be there. We can make it less but we cannot totally run away from it because at the end of the day we will still remain two different individuals, whose approach to a thing is going to be certainly different.
    I have learned certain things with time. I learned that communication is the key to any problem. It is important to respect your partner’s views. Having a child is never an answer to save a relationship. Parenting is an art; one becomes better at it with time. But if you ask me, as a new parent it is pretty challenging. It is not always an easy transition from a ‘lovey-dovey’ couple to ‘responsible parents’ as life takes a 180 degree turn. As parents we need to work as a team because our goal is the same, however different may be the ways. And most importantly do not let these things ever, ever drift you apart because as long as you are together ‘in love’ you can conquer the world and this is just parenting after all!
     
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  2. anehstar

    anehstar Silver IL'ite

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    Good Post!
    It is a good thing to discuss before bringing the little child into this word, but still it is difficult on discussing the nitty- gritties of how we want to raise our children. Even if we discuss zillion times previously and agree on certain things, We may or may not adhere to them when the real situation arises. Who is going to judge whats right or whats wrong and this will lead to arguments. Trifling topics are the most dangerous as it leads to bigger fuss.
    and in general this happens. e.g i had an arrange marriage, before wedding we discussed the high priority things like every other person does. But the issue started popping when we started sharing the same roof. something as insignificant as taking bath early morning to not helping in doing some chores. These things we never discuss when we look for a suitor.
    Parenting is a big responsibility. and as you said "As parents we need to work as a team" and thus for any differences that may arise, communication is very important. We need to calmly discuss rather than fighting and spoiling the environment . Also, Calmly discussing needs patience and comes over time. Understanding and respecting other person's views along with sharing and putting fwd your points.
    Nevertheless, Your post serves as a valuable advice to all who are preparing to take their love to the next step or are having lil ones with them!
     
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  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Excellent post! You have written an episode from my life! Wish you and your lovely family loads of joy! xx
     
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  4. priyabaghel

    priyabaghel Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for reading :)
     
  5. priyabaghel

    priyabaghel Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much for reading :)
     
  6. ojaantrik

    ojaantrik IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear priyabaghel,

    I read your thread with interest. However, by the time you reach my age, I suppose your kids and their spouses quarrel with one another about how to help their parents find their way to wherever. But reading you brought back memories.

    oj
     
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  7. priyabaghel

    priyabaghel Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you for reading mam :)
     
  8. ojaantrik

    ojaantrik IL Hall of Fame

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    @Cheeniya

    What a fall there was my countrymen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    oj
     
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  9. Chulbuli04

    Chulbuli04 Silver IL'ite

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    Same story happening in my house in raising my 10 months old DS. From morning bath to food to nap to dressing everything contradicts. Most of time I nod to what he says and do what I wish. I know this is not the solution. Somewhere down the lane a middle line has to be drawn and he is stubborn on his points. I just let things go. I give deaf ears. If it is genuine and I definitely hear to him. Forget to say, he is my close relative and we know each other from childhood and brought up pretty much in same environment. Happy parenting and wish me luck to guys.
     
  10. jayasala42

    jayasala42 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Priyabaghel,,

    A good post.However much we discuss ,we may arrive at an over all pattern of child bringing.As things move, we may get a totally different picture of
    the health problems, his/her I.Q, real capabilities,his positives, adamancy etc etc.Some children are very quiet till 6 or 7 but turn out to be unmanageable even after we have crossed terrible twos and threes in an elegant manner.Adolescent problem of today is totally different.
    It is better to have a weekly discussion on the current affairs( situation) and decide the outcome.Children who do well in studies upto 8th standard, lose all interest thereafter and there are late bloomers who seem to be dull upto 15 and pick up fast later.
    The great thing I notice is you have come to a definite conclusion not to argue over trivial things as both of you are equally interested in the welfare of the child.

    I only wish that all the brides and bridegrooms would come to definite understanding before tying the auspicious knot that there will be mutual give and take and avoid unnecessary clash born out of ego and ensure that there are arguments and healthy discussions on all topics, so that our difference of opinion does not stand in the way of
    mental developments of children ,harmony and peace at home.
    A realisation of this simple clue will be the fulcrum .

    Jayasala 42
     
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