Feel Stressful , Any Suggestions

KashmirFlower · Jul 29, 2016

Work - Prioritize this over your everyday chores, aside from cooking and your son. Home, laundry etc. can wait. Devote a few hours, one, if possible two, only to your studies and job search. Put everything out of your mind and do this. I would suggest doing it right after your son leaves for school. Eat a good breakfast, lock your troubles out of your mind and focus. Getting this done will give you the sense of satisfaction of having accomplished something meaningful and lift your mood for the rest of the day. Our brains love feeling useful. Give yourself those two hours and the other 22 will automatically get better.
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Thanks @Gauri03 . I will follow, that is the priority now. i
yea, It is a very good feeling that we did something useful for ourselves today.
I am giving 4-5 hours and more for studying, as I am changing technology thinking long term,
Even I am implementing "requirements" from job/vlounteer job posts to gain experience and to answer better to the calls and it is helping.

Take care KashmirFlower! I like your name. : )
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thanks!

Rihana · Jul 29, 2016

The shoes near the door, and dishes in the sink are smaller problems. Overall, you are permanently unable to get a fair deal in any situation, from big things like property registration, to small daily stuff. You know what you want, but not try to achieve it due to husband "going down to any level" and you (naturally) don't like the unpleasantness that gets created if you stand up for yourself in any way.

You need to have a general talk with husband, without too much focus on any one issue and without too much blame on him. Outside the home, without kid. Make a list of 4-5 main things. Figure out how to make that talk happen - (not in restaurant, not inside car). And then have the conversation. Remain calm. Remain focussed. If he reacts strongly, pause, and get back to calm mode.

Think what you want to say in the conversation. It should as unemotional as possible. More a statement of facts than a list of your sufferings.

Catch is you don't have any strong "or else". So, you need something close enough to that. What can that be?

The rusk for nephew... won't happen. Drop that battle. The sink - leave it dirty. The shoes - put a funny note by the door reminding folks to put shoes in stand. Or, put them in a far away spot, so they have to walk barefoot to get the shoes. Sigh.

KashmirFlower · Jul 29, 2016

You need to have a general talk with husband, without too much focus on any one issue and without too much blame on him. Outside the home, without kid. Make a list of 4-5 main things. Figure out how to make that talk happen - (not in restaurant, not inside car). And then have the conversation. Remain calm. Remain focussed. If he reacts strongly, pause, and get back to calm mode.

Think what you want to say in the conversation. It should as unemotional as possible. More a statement of facts than a list of your sufferings.

Catch is you don't have any strong "or else". So, you need something close enough to that. What can that be?
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Thanks @Rihana , it is a good direction to go, for this also right now it is not the good time I feel. I will talk when some job is in my hand.

Rihana · Jul 29, 2016

KashmirFlower said: ↑

Thanks @Rihana , it is a good direction to go, for this also right now it is not the good time I feel. I will talk when some job is in my hand.
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You are a smart girl.

dimhere · Jul 29, 2016

KashmirFlower said: ↑

I will talk when some job is in my hand.
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I clicked 'like' on this post already.

And then I wanted to like it again, so I am quoting it here!
Best wishes!

KashmirFlower · Jul 29, 2016

Thank You @dimhere for best wishes and to stop here and tell that it is a good plan. thanks again @Rihana for the plan.

dimhere · Jul 29, 2016

Rihana said: ↑

The shoes - put a funny note by the door reminding folks to put shoes in stand. Or, put them in a far away spot, so they have to walk barefoot to get the shoes. Sigh.
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I had a note taped to the stand which said that shoes that are not put back would be hidden overnight. And I did. With increasing levels of difficulty.

And the next morning, when the kids had exactly 17 seconds to wear their shoes before the school bus left, would be left scrambling.

These days, I don't see a single stray shoe around my house. I miss thinking of hiding places....

MalStrom · Jul 30, 2016

Is the nephew employed, in which case why is he still at home? And if no job, what is the long term plan? Isn't he here on temporary visa?

KashmirFlower · Jul 30, 2016

He is searching for a job. After MS they get EAD right, he is on that one. Till he gets may be he will stay.

Amica · Jul 30, 2016

Dear @KashmirFlower,

First, a big hug. You sound completely overwhelmed.

I, too, can't stay away from a thread when it's yours.

Your problem seems to be more with your DH than with his nephew. If you can find a good moment when you are both relaxed, maybe you can have a calm talk with DH about saving for your child's future and also about how you feel when he takes you for granted. This is a long-term solution and maybe a topic for another day. TBH, I don't think talking to him will help till you have your own income.

Financially, what is done is done. Let go of the past. When you start earning again, revisit this issue.

About the household chores ... tackle one problem at a time.

Start using disposable plates and plastic spoons/knives/forks. If DH/nephew object, be honest and open up about how overwhelmed you are and ask for their help.

Stop doing the nephew's laundry. If he leaves it in the washer, simply move it to a bucket, not to the dryer.

I agree with everyone who has said that the same food should be cooked and served to everyone. One-pot meals are the way to go.

What would happen if you hire help? Or get some home-cooked food delivery? He's throwing away $1000 on gambling, maybe you can spend some cash on much-needed help.

Can you get some family member to discreetly talk to the nephew's parents? If they learn that he's out gambling with your DH all night, they may pressure him to move out.

Do your ILs know how much money your DH is giving to distant relatives that they themselves don't care about? Will telling them help?

Leaving the front door open, puts you and your LO at risk. Can you get an alarm system?

The most important thing you can do is carve out time for your job search/study. Make that your priority.

Don't despair, things will work out. Sooner or later, the nephew will leave.

.