How To Cope Up When Things Going Bad

Prache · Jul 27, 2016

I have been reading all the posts in this forum and feel you guys are giving very valuable suggestions.

Coming to my problem,

We are married for 31/2 yrs. we both are working in different states in USA.
Ours is love+arranged marriage, I was in USA doing masters and he was working in India.

Just 6 month before marriage, he came to USA for masters (His parents were not at all ready to send him USA..it took us this much time make them agree). By then I have finished my masters and working in contract jobs.
Due to age, and my H1b issues we had to marry while he is still studying (We both were 26 when we got married).

Then he finished his masters and started contract job in different city after so much job search.
Meanwhile after few contract jobs I took up a full time job.That means we decided a place to settle down.
So our plan was him to look for full time (or contract)job in my place and plan for kids as we were already 28.

But unfortunately things are not working as planned.He had to change 3 contract jobs in 1 year.we feel its our bad luck though sometimes it looks like its may be our mistake.

he got laid off in 2 projects,later they are ready to take him back by then he was working with different company.

one time he got option to work remotely (without any request),so we were so happy and planned everything. Thought to get gynecologist appointment for pre checkup and look for home agents to buy house.

but he got laid off. This hit us bad..but he still continued look for job and got 2 contract projects - one in my current place with low salary and another in different place with very good salary.
He opted to first job even though its low salary and etc..but we were very happy about this and thought finally our life is settling.
This time we even booked appointment with doctor and went to check our dream house and started caring about health,food and all.

But I don't know its unfortunate,bad luck or his mistake he got fired from job after 3 weeks.
we both are in same technology,i feel he was fired for silly mistake(though he fixed the problem immediately). As it was Friday 13th(usa-they feel its very bad day), his boss is American and was so off by his mother death since last month..every one in the team including other managers felt sorry for my husband unexpected job loss.

This was big shock to us, and it took some time for us to be normal.
We both cried that night, and later days also I used to cry in office(of course in restroom), I know he suffered more than me.
But somehow he got strength and applied jobs like crazy..then he got one after 2 months.

Now he is in different time zone with very busy schedules, we hardly getting time to talk everyday. We are planning to meet monthly once for 2-3 days(flight time is 3-6hrs).

Besides this, since 7-8 months he is been trying for full time in my place, but didn't got single interview call(no sponsorship ,etc..)

Now I'm 29 1/2 yrs staying alone, getting so much frustration about when to buy house and have kids.
We are fighting very often,that he is not taking time to talk to me and not spending time to apply jobs here.
Because of his busy schedule, he is hardly applying jobs now. And saying i have been suffered from long time and I'm not machine and give me some time and all..
I am very sacred, if i delay to plan kids..what will happen if i have some fertility issues and all. But what other options I have instead of waiting.

I am feeling very low and having so much stress thinking about all these.

Hoping you guys help me how to cope up with this.

blindpup10 · Jul 27, 2016

@Prache- I am so sorry you are facing lot of instability in your marriage.
Job loss and postponing plans are quite common, especially being on H1B and an immigrant. After stating this-- I want to say your job seems to be going fairly steady.
Don't worry about the rest. Be ready to compromise.
Women have babies at early 30's. Its not too late.
Go for a vacation and don't worry about everything. Things will take time to fall into its place.
Surprise your DH by going to the place he works. Go on Thursday make it a long weekend thing... Get yourself recharged.

Yes Ideally- I understand how things have to be done. But sometimes Life doesn't happen according to what we plan.

Try to consider this-
Are you willing to relocate to the place where he is? Is your DH in a contract job or a full time?
How about both you and your DH relocate together to a different city ? Is this option open to both of you?
I strongly advise you and him to be in the same place before planning for a child. You can still go to an OB and see where your health stands. You should take care of your health no matter with or without a child.

My question--Why is your DH getting laid off left and right? Although it's common to get laid off.. its very uncommon to happen after 3 weeks of him being hired. Because company would have invested a lot of time in hiring that person (background checks/ interview).

Regard to House buying- Yes this is the best time to buy a house.. as interest rates are quite low!! Do you have enough saved up for the house? Downpayment of 20% ?
The most common thing for H1B's is they don't buy a house until their child turns 5 or untill they get GC (I think its quite dumb).
You can still invest in a house even if you move.. You can rent it out.. You know that right? If you have the downpayment money saved up. I urge you to invest. You can fairly get good price from selling if you and your DH dont settle in the same place where you bought the house.

ranirm · Jul 28, 2016

Dont worry baby will happen when it is suppose to happen..god will help u..so dont worry about your age..if u have a steady job will it allow you to relocate? You have a bit experience too so you can apply job where his work is..? And please dont add his pressure as he already lost few jobs..and dont fight regarding this..

chocolate · Jul 28, 2016

OP, Why don't you apply for jobs for your hubby in your place? Try remote jobs too . Start up companies are more relaxed with H1b criteria. Sudden firing is not uncommon in US. When my husband was contracting I helped him with job search, correspondence etc. He just answered calls and took interviews. If you are in full time job, try for jobs in your company for your hubby too. If you haven't started GC process, start asap. You never know how immigration rules change , he can easily get EAD based on your GC .

I had a baby after 30's too. Nowadays its not a big thing. Children will be born healthy with adequate prenatal care. Don't stress over something you have no control over right now. Right now your concern shud be to get your hubby in your city asap.

P.S: Are you living in VA, MD or DC. If you are chances of frequent layoffs in contracts is quite common there. Beware. Good Luck.

Prache · Jul 28, 2016

Thanks all for your kind replies.

@ranirm
He is currently working as contractor,so i don't want leave my full time job and relocate to his place (his place is so expensive, i don't think we afford house thr..)

I don't have option to work remotely.

@blindpup10

He didn't get laid off, he was fired after working 3 weeks. And in other two jobs he got laid off after working almost 6 months in each.

I agree with you..i dont want to plan for kids until we move to same place.But things are not going as planned..im thinking do i have to be flexible on this?

Yes, We saved 20% down payment, but its very hard for me just to go alone and look for agents and houses and make a deal. Without him being here, i m not even getting any interest to look online.

@chocolate

Thanks for suggesting to apply jobs for him. I will start doing that..
To ask my employer to initiate GC is also in my to do list.

chocolate · Jul 28, 2016

Op,Look in Startuphire.com and startupjobs.com too for jobs. Good Luck.

anehstar · Jul 28, 2016

You seems to be so worried about the kids and settling! Dont worry too much and take a toll on urself. Your prime focus right now should be to get with you husband. So work on how that can be done. Your husband is also stressed out. Job loss and getting fired takes a toll.so dont pressurise him and show your worry. Things will happen and fall in place. Be positive. Yes you need to think and plan about your future.. But sometimes god has a diff plan..You dont have control over it. So have faith in god, Give some time and try to be calm. Sooner or later you'll settle and things will work out!

blindpup10 · Jul 28, 2016

@Prache-
I am sorry your DH was fired. Even into 3 weeks, employers don't fire people that easily. Start-ups are a great place to be. Some don't make you wait for 3 years to apply for GC.

Yes.. be flexible. Like Chocolate has mentioned people do have kids in early 30's without any problems.
I am gonna ask you few things.. you dont have to answer... but do think about and ask these question yourself.
Is your DH on the same page with having a child?
This bothers me quite frankly that you and him in the same field and he is being laid off or fired often while you have been fairly steady.
Like Chocolate has mentioned if it is a common scenario (then please do forgive me).
Is he distancing from you for any other underlying issues?
If these question are all positive answers then you have really nothing to worry about.. Just lay back and enjoy being married and no kids.
If he is in a different place.. plan out vacation as much as possible. Hang out with your friends.
Being on H1B sucks and these issues are common. You aren't alone.

House hunting isn't that hard. Trust me... Talk to a real estate agent.. they will send you a bunch of houses for you to look on online. Both your DH and you can look at them online and narrow it down.
In the meanwhile start all the bank process.
Get a weekend appointment aligns it with your DH coming to town. Real estate agents are available on Sat/ Sun.
You would have seen most of the houses online and narrow it down to your liking. You will have around 8-10 houses on your Fav MUST WANT list. You will be able to cover them in 1 day.

House buying in the US isnt like what happens in India. Your Real estate agent will handle everything. You may have to fax few things here and there. Your only job would be to go look at the house and have the 20% ready and close on time.
Even without your DH or even with your DH sitting in another state he will able to buy a house where you live. It is way too easy.

curtainsdown · Jul 28, 2016

You have been working for 3+ yrs now. I am sure you have sufficient savings. Do not worry too much. You can definitely quit your job and join your husband and try for a job there IF that location is like bay area or NJ where there are plenty of opportunities. Do not worry if its a contracting job as well - thats fine. House and all can really wait. All you need now is being together not just for baby making but also for the emotional support and strengthening your marriage. Focus on being together - not in babymaking - and then rest will fall in place.

madras2018 · Jul 28, 2016

@Prache - Just want to say - why this hurry to buy a house when you haven't even begun the GC processs. If atleast your husband has a rock steady job, then even in the off chance that your GC faces issues or you get laid off (god forbid) then you can switch to H4 and still be in the country.

The reason I warn against prematurely rushing into buying a house is because I've known cases where a couple buys a house and the person on whose employment the GC was started, is fired or layed off. They struggle to pay the mortgage on 1 salary and then are on unstable ground until their permanent residency is assured through a 2nd GC filing.

I would recommend both of you to first secure proper steady jobs with solid GC potential and long-term viability and then begin purchasing a house.