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The Second Car!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by SGBV, Jul 25, 2016.

  1. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    Dear @SGBV, Hope you feel better soon.
    If I may say- I see a lot of red flags here. Financial transparency is as important in married life as commitment to a spouse. Apart from transparency, IMO the financials of a family should be a joint responsibility (and equal at it) of both a husband and a wife ( if she is earning as well). But since you have been doing a great job from so long and mostly leading the financial decisions for your family, he is used to you taking the charge. Looks like he is more confident in you to choose a car or take a big ticket purchase decision than himself. Some times, guys appreciate that about ladies but find it difficult to mention it. May be that is one more reason to delay the decision of purchase. Again, just my opinion- may not be true in your case.

    Since you are taking a break, why not take a break from fulfilling financial obligations too. You deserve a change from financial responsibility. He will not change his attitude so easily. But you need to STOP actively spending from your savings. IF you are not certain where your joint finances go, please keep a close watch on your savings. They are important for your/ your family's emergency needs.

    Changing DH's attitude towards money matters is going to take some good work both from his part and your part. You might have to extend your patience a bit farther. Until then, do you want to try few suggestions? ( some of them did actually work in similar case in cousin's family)

    1. Set up a monthly budget meeting with your DH, if he is open for it. Initially it can be a rough budget of your incomes, fixed and variable expenses. Target dates for your planned expenses and for paying down credit card debts. From your points, it looks like you are doing financially well right now so DH might not see the need of doing this now. But this way, you will see what are the major expenses, by what dates the credit card balances need to be paid off etc. My cousin marks her DH's calendar for monthly (and at times urgent ) budget meeting in their room every last Thursday night of a month. Her DH used to avoid meetings on weekend/ friday night on the pre-text of social commitments. She kept at it and now he looks forward to creating budget, tracking expenses etc with her.

    2. Track your expenses- create a duplicate tracker for him so that he can track his own expenses. Try him to do it atleast once every couple of weeks. It will be a task for him but he will come around eventually.

    3. List down all your big ticket needs and wants and then direct your incomes towards fulfilling those. He may take the decision to purchase a second car if he sees a NEED. For most men, NEED is the most imp purchasing trigger than WANT/ Peers have it/ status symbol/ affordability ( if there is a pressing need, they afford it). IF he is on the same page as you in terms of NEEDs, he will curtail his frivolous spending and get his act together. But if he is not on the same page, it is a big task to get his go-ahead on anything, especially he is the one who will need to spend on the need.

    Doing this initially for couple of months or more might help. But doing it consistently until it becomes a habit will do so much good for you all and the kids. You are already wise in your finances, why not make him follow your foot steps and be a lead this time. He might make mistakes initially, you might need to correct them ( do it subtly. You know male EGO more than me), but he will gain perspective, will realize that earning money is not that difficult, managing it is, building wealth is! The more he takes charge, the lessor you will have to help around.

    I can not/ do not want to comment on your mum's reaction at this point. IMO, that is the least of the problems.

    Good luck!
     
    leenarajaryan, SGBV and NeetaR like this.
  2. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    Take your car and drive wherever you want. Kids also you pick up and drop I guess. So if he wants car let him borrow from his dad and do repairs or buy one for himself. Don't talk about it for a month and don't give your car also to him, saying some work is there, and see what happens.

    point no 1 & 4 are enough to buy another car, it is not fair when u gifted him a car before, and now in need he doesn't want to put money on it. May be he thinks it is not that much needed now. I too don't like when we can afford , borrowing from even family.
     
    SGBV and MalStrom like this.
  3. KashmirFlower

    KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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    This is exactly the case with not only my H, but also his side family, if no money "borrow and show off". When we go to India, he does it more and more.
    One time his offshore colleague , hike is not approved by management in India, as she delivers the project, he personally gave money around a lakh to her from my NRI account , which i transferred from my US salary. Like that so many instances not only my money used , but my healthy cooking for guests who live here for months, one after the other for years.

    Ex, I made idli, chutney and sambhar (from yesterdays) today, packed all as lunch for my H, and rusk for breakfast, he looked at it and said his nephew will eat that (who gets up at 10;30 or so) , he will take rusk (sugar iis there in it).

    my H has diabetes. Distant nephew (living here for months now) can eat rusk or cereal (no food restrictions) and that is what everybody eats in US for breakfast. I told to cook whatever he wants, but he doesn't, he doesn't do dishes either, no helping. Just come to kitchen and serve and eat whenever he feel like. And my job is to cook for these guests, otherwise my H gets angry on me.

    Where as I am trying to return back to work (which is alos like a job) with lot of studying and working in my plate, which only i can do when my kid leaves to school. around 7 hours. Whereas all others in home have 24 hours for themselves (except my H job hours), but nobody don't want to do any work related to cooking dishes or laundry or cleaning house.


    sorry @SGBV for venting in your thread.

    just went to make rice and saw that sambhar box and other box is in sink with leftovers after eating, how can these people have no basic manners to clean after themselves. I am so stressful.
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2016
    SGBV likes this.
  4. monkatpeace87

    monkatpeace87 Silver IL'ite

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    @SGBV from ur post it seems that u guys are in a financial mess. I'd u don't take some action it will spiral out of control.

    1) ur husband has lot of credit card loan on his head - first thing to do cancel the card. Credit card are a easy way of wasting money.

    2) the car - I don't think this is the right time for u guys to own a second car. Car are depreciating assets and it's value decreases with time.

    Best thing is to go for a bike, junk the old car and the proceeds can be used to buy a new bike.

    If u still want to buy a car, best thing is u take the lead. As u said u are the leader and ur husband is the follower it best for u to go to the showroom and try out the cars.

    If u based in india, let me know ur budget and I will suggest u some cars .

    Take care and get better.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  5. JGVR

    JGVR Gold IL'ite

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    Your H thinks

    Whenever my wife needs,iam there to take care of her commute

    Even if she wants to commute by herself,i can take my dad's car

    I can postpone buying another car until my dad's car becomes unusable.

    I would suggest,for now postpone buying another car and use your car for your commute.Let your H drive his dad's car till your FIL's car gets completely damaged.Some men needs a push to buy things and let that push come to your hubby from his dad's car.
     
    SGBV likes this.
  6. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks everyone for your wonderful suggestions...

    @blessings1010

    I have set up this monthly budget meeting recently, and it is really working well. Only after this meetings, my H started to see the expenses; thus sharing 60K of his salary unlike before. I think I should stick to it although he fulfilled the basic needs right now. If I lose the control, he will soon forget the fact that there is a family, with needs.

    As you said, he is very much confident that his wife is fully capable to buy a second car via her own savings. He knows for sure that my siblings (bro) would pitch in to support in case of any physical/financial helps are needed with regard to buying a new car.
    Even if he forgets all the above, and show a little interest to buy one... his folks won't let him to do anything like this. They (FIL) would keep reminding him the status (that "your wife can buy, if needed her bro can help... don't rush, don't commit, second car is not really needed, if so, use mine etc..etc) with such stupid advice. So, it is extremely hard to make him commit.

    @KashmirFlower

    Never mind about your vent. Afterall, we come here to vent. Venting helps a lot to clear the mind, so that we could think practically.
    I think, me and my H are a complete miss match when it comes to our attitudes. I too hate getting helps from others, even during my hard times. I would try to manage myself as much as I can. Only my siblings and friends come voluntarily to help after seeing my struggles all alone. But my H has no problem in asking helps from others. Not just from his folks, but my folks and even distant relatives too. He feels like he is entitled to receive helps from others just because others are capable to help.
    I have somehow managed to control him from this habit, but I am unable to make him grow responsible to help himself instead of expecting the same from others. Its been 7 hard years in this front.

    @monkatpeace87

    Both of us own our own bikes, and we take the bikes only when it is needed (mostly for short distance, to travel alone)
    It is not always a good option in summer.
    I could buy a car, but I have my car already. I want him to buy his car instead of borrowing it from FIL. After all, both the cars are gonna be ours, and for our family's need.

    @JGVR
    You are 100% right about guessing what exactly my H would think.
    He could use FIL's old car for now. But it won't last forever. Sooner or later the car will end up in a garage with a heavy bill. That amount could be spent as a down payment for a new car instead.
    That's also adjustable. But in any case if FIL's car become unusable at any point, my H will be forced to get him a new car.
    This way, all his savings (or part of salary if he goes for credit basis) would be gone with this new car for FIL. Then my H will never gonna get a car for himself.
    Even he could use FIL's car temporarily though. But that's not his car. If BILs come over or FIL goes out of city, H will have to depend on my car or use a taxi. These are practical problems, which he refuse to see.
     
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  7. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    The problem is this...

    My H doesn't wanna take any financial responsibility...
    That's why he doesn't like to upgrade his life.
    He is very much reluctant to commit. He sees it as a huge burden and so much negative about life.
    He likes to live with bare minimum, and is happy with that.
    He thinks a mouth full of lies are enough for a social pride thus hard work or commitments are not necessary.

    Some tricks only worked so far to make him commit.

    I am planning to book a new car, and pay the down payment from my savings. Then make my H to pay the monthly installments (some 20-30K) from his salary. In any case, if he decides to reduce the amount he shares for the joint acc (60K for monthly household expenses), I could still adjust that a bit. I am sure he won't cut down 20-30K all together, but may be some 10K.
    At least this way, I can ensure a savings from his end towards an investment for the family's need. However little it may be, it can still prove to be a good start.
    Just my thought. Friends, please see whether I am heading towards a right direction.

    If so, I will have to get my bro's support to locate a car, and finalize it. I am sure my H will only postpone it till I get really tired, so that I won't dare to bring up this topic ever again. Sadly I am not a pro in car matters. But I hope my Bro would help me.
    Then I will have to play some tricks to convince my H. If he knows it is finalized through my bro, he will make faces, and reject it for no reason. So, I will have to present it differently, so that he will like it, and accept for the offer.

    People... Now see how much I am struggling even for a simplest matter in my marriage life. Yet I stay positive and hopeful for a better future. Yes, my H may be a wrong person with developmental matters, but he has his good sides too, and that's more important altogether to make a marriage beautiful. Wish me luck :)
     
    KashmirFlower likes this.
  8. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Thanks @chocolate @MalStrom @APS45

    - We already have bikes for both. But given the dust in the city, etc..etc.. its not cool for myself. Plus its not that safe for the kids's transport I feel.
    But we use our bikes for shorter distance though.

    - Of course mom makes it even worse. The problem turns to a different direction with her emotional complex. But I am handling it. She is alright now.

    - I know it was bad to fight before kids, and I lose the focus when I am sick. But this fight was unplanned. I was so much provoked when he left the house just like that after an argument. It felt worse when kids gave me trouble during my sickness, and he was missing at home.
    So, I could not stop fighting as soon as he returned home. In fact both of my kids were in deep sleep, and mom was in her room. But sadly my son woke up, cried thus mom brought him to our room. So, all the mess happened before our son, and mom had to intervene, although we immediately stopped, apologized and pretended to be normal till he falls asleep in the next 30 mins. I will be prepared and careful the next time.

    - Cutting off his irresponsible friends is one of a never ending task in my 7 year old marriage. He keeps on having such friends every now and then. Of course the old ones left him after knowing there is no luck pleasing him. In fact some of them grew supper rich, and went to abroad as well. They care a damn about him. But some remain poor and same and still treat him as God, although they have no close contacts with him. Yet, he finds new groups of friends and entertain the same life.
    Last year around this time I had a big fight with my H and cut off a very irresponsible friend and a group/welfare society they have formed together. I remember posting it here too. But he is far from that now, but he still has a few here and there!
    FIL is encouraging him for this, and even reminding him about his responsibilities towards that useless group.
     
  9. Akanksha1982

    Akanksha1982 IL Hall of Fame

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    SGBV, hope your health is improving. I think you need to rest and just postpone the decision for a while. Not sure if the issue is financial or it is that he doesn't think of buying a car.
    Alternatively, is there an option to lease a car instead of buying it? That may involve lesser down payment and smaller monthly payment.

    Overall, you guys need to work on your financials. Setup automatic savings accounts for your kids, retirement, health care etc. This way there is less disposable income.

    Take care dear and best luck.
     
    blessings1010 and leenarajaryan like this.
  10. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    @Akanksha1982

    I am fine dear... It was just a cold fever, and I am okay now.

    Car is not a major problem though. But I am tired of making my H to think about our financial security. He thinks as long as we are okay with the basics it is fine. He doesn't seem to understand the development needs.
    For him, owning a house, a car are far more luxurious; thus we shouldn't worry about anything at all ever again.
    But honestly everyone else is having far better investments and luxurious life than us. I mean, both myself and my husband are from different community. The status of each set of people are different.
    We are the most poorer family among my side of the relatives, where as we are the most wealthiest family among my husband's side. This tells a lot.
    While I think we need so much to grow, he thinks we are settled already.

    Well, he doesn't have a huge saving for a big ticket purchase right now. But he can try some if he wants.
    part of his salary goes on something which God knows for what. He could think of investing it.
    I feel, if I ask he won't see a need to save. Even if I force him to save this month, he won't be religiously doing it forever.
    However, taking a loan (may be car loan) would force him to repay it monthly. This is in a way, a good saving as we get the property from it.
    I just don't want him to waste his money while we have reasonable needs.

    I can't depend on him to save for the kids. That's why I do it personally. That's why I don't wanna touch on it despite of wanting a car now.
     

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