Is Ema/cheating An Acceptable Way To Deal With A Crappy Spouse?

momsky · Jul 26, 2016

yellowmango said: ↑

I read about this article about this woman who was cheated on by her husband of some years. She could not/did not want to break up because of kids .He apologized,repented ,tried to make up in many ways.She wanted to forgive and forget but couldn't . She still cared for him but could not move on with life. The marriage came to a breaking point .No matter what,she could not stop feeling humiliated ,used .

She got drunk and slept with an old time guy.A drunk one night stand .She was able to forgive him .she no longer felt humiliated.
It was not revenge because the husband did not even know .She just felt they were on the same plane.She no longer judged him .She no longer felt cheated.The marriage survived.She could love him again .

........................................
This is just about an article I read @Ragini25 .Not justifying cheating or EMA .But I wouldn't judge her.
Some time back...I would have written EMA is never right or justified. For me and my spouse it is still not acceptable .But I am not as judgmental now.Let people and their life tell their story.
Click to expand...

Wow I felt like I was reading about myself in that 1st paragraph except I filed for divorce a month back. I never cheated though, I knew it would not make happy nor solve my marital problem... also, I knew I will just feel guilty afterwards, one for using the new guy, second for creating more problem.

My divorce paper is not finalized yet but I am so happy right now, almost same feeling when I married my ex.
I find it hard to believe when someone say "it just happened" after an EMA. I was in a similar situation three times in the place where I volunteer but I put a stop before it went any further.

Ragini25 · Jul 26, 2016

Thanks for speaking out momsky. Just because he did a lowclass and classless activity, you did not stoop to that level and dirty yourself. He wronged you. But you held your values and walked with your head held high. Fantastic. This is what people have been saying. Walk with your head held high, rather than stoop low and dirty by cheating just because you are a victim of bad marriage.

Stop Playing the Victim card to justify EMA. Victims can come out with dignity rather than play victim card to do dirty cheating activity.

JGVR · Jul 26, 2016

The threads here discuss only about women stuck in a crappy marriage with no support and discuss about them-but most of the time its the men who enter into EMA.Not men in crappy marriage,but men with loving wife,adorable family.They use the wife as doormat and have EMA outside.What do you call them?characterless?mind you-they would have been brought up in a really good family with high moral values.

Ragini25 · Jul 26, 2016

JGVR, this thread is specifically abt women with crappy H or men with crappy Wife.

Apparently some IL-ites make "exceptions to EMA" for the "victims", so the discussion is abt that specific topic.

The non-exception cases (men or women who cheat for pleasure) are clearly decried as cheaters by all of us, I suppose

Laks09 · Jul 26, 2016

Ragini - Two wrongs don't make a right(haven't we been seeing so much of it online lately)?

The other thread, I don't think the intent was to get back or get revenge or get even. I think she was done, full and square. Let's give this lady that much of a benefit of doubt.

And before you question my intentions I would have said the same thing even if it was a guy.

Oh, btw, regarding some people who think EMAs are justified for whatever reasons let them hold onto their beliefs. Why is it so important for you to beat them all down or bring them on your side? Let them be! Relax! Sign off! Don't get too addicted to this place. It's a bad sign. What will you accomplish by winning on the internet?

Akanksha1982 · Jul 26, 2016

Ragini,

I am blessed to

Have a wonderful, loving and caring husband and not drift into EMA

Have a job so as to be not dependent on husband

Have a child to shower my motherhood

Have nice ILs who have never harassed me for dowry or unrealistic expectations or interfered in our lives.

Not have my plane crashed on snow mountain range forcing me to eat a human being (like in Alive movie)

Live in a place where vegetarian food is available and I don't have to eat non-veg (being a vegetarian)

Have enough food to have never experienced hunger for me and my child.

live in a place that has nice weather and not have to drink because of severe cold weather

Not being dragged into street and sold to the highest bidder

Not being kidnapped and forced into slave trade.

Live in a comfortable house and not on streets

....

But my blessings don't give me the right to shame, judge, or ridicule those who are unfortunate and put into situations and take decisions based on their mindset at that point or based on their view of the situation.

My blessings doesn't mean that I can egoistically say that I shall never do a, b or c because I don't know the future. A single stroke of luck can make my life upside down and I am not sure what I will do in those circumstances.

Personally, in my own consciousness I would never indulge in pre-marital sex, live-in relationship, stealing, or EMA.

But am I saying that because I am stronger and have a higher will power or because I never was in that situation, I don't know. But I know that I don't have right to judge, ridicule or shame those who indulge in these based on their own decision for whatsoever reason.

There is one thing constant in life and that is change. There was a time when husband and wife saw each other first time on their marriage day. Earlier holding hands or kissing before marriage, wearing fitting clothes, having boy friends were considered immoral. Today the view has changed and even live-in relationship is getting accepted.

I read that there are groups on FB where couple solicit and indulge in wife swap. There was an article by Karan Johar in which he claimed that EMA is becoming openly popular in the bollywood. Just as live-in was started by bollywood and we find that in normal couples, who knows EMA will be much common in normal couples tomorrow.

But who are we to judge how people lead their lives or to thrust our beliefs on them.

If you look at history or mythological stories, you will find many instances of different behaviors exhibited by people. Do we shame them as well based on our beliefs?