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Looking For Some Wise Advise/help!!!!

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by unluckygirl123, Jul 25, 2016.

  1. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    OP...why such a sad username?
    You have a guy who is ready to leave everything for you....how many people have that?:kissingheart:
    Whether you both end up married or not ...you will always have this.
    Some people get lots of blessing from elders at wedding...still don't get their partners love all their life.
    Cheers.......

    Har kisi ko mukamal jahan nahi milta, kisi ko zameen..to kissi ko aasmaan nahi milta.

    Rough translation.....no one gets everything in life.
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  2. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op...how did your BF react when his parents were insulting?Was he there?
    How did he react a day later?
    How did he react a week or two later?

    Did he try to defend their behavior,did he ask you to understand,did he make excuses for them?
    Has he given some plan of action if you both get married now?


    Waisay.....from what I have seen in a few cases like this,People who get married and maintain a distance from the non relenting parent for a few years tend to have good lives.After the kid comes...the parents usually want to make things better and are more likely to make compromises

    The ones who get married and then try to please and get into the good books of the non relenting parents end up having problems .The pleasing and pleading and compromising never ends and takes a big toll.

    It is always good to have at least one family's support.For the girl,her parents supporting is a big +ve.
     
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  3. unluckygirl123

    unluckygirl123 New IL'ite

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    Thanks KashmirFlower, Sanarthi and Yellowmango for your positive notes. Feel much better coming here.
    Just spoke to my bf about whats happening at his end. He said his parents and relatives are shocked since my parents gave consent to wedding suddenly(initially my side did not agree) and thats why they are trying to back off by insulting us.

    Answering your questions yellowmango,

    OP....do you trust this guy to stand by you? Yes..very much. This is not something like blind trusting. I know him since 10 years now with 8 years of relationship. Due to all these problems, there were many instances where I myself volunteered for a break up so that both parents can be peaceful. He said a big NO to it.
    Do you think you both can have a good life with what you earn? Definitely. He is in abroad now and once i join him, I can get a job there too.
    Do you think this guy will be okay living without the luxury that his financially strong family provides him? He is not someone who goes after luxury but very simple. That is the sole reason he chose me as I am simple too.
    Do you think he will be able to do this without resentment? Yes because he is very much aware of the double games played by his family.(i.e, agreeing for wedding one day and disagreeing the next day) Doesnt mean he hates his kith'n'kin. He is ready to accept them anytime. He is annoyed only because of the delay they are causing and as we are getting older.
    How did your BF react when his parents were insulting?Was he there? He is in abroad now and only his parents n few relatives visited. I informed him on phone. He felt sorry for what happened and showed his anger on his parents for talking this way to us. He straightaway said dont waste time on them and arrange for a court wedding.
    How did he react a day later? He was/is the same all these 8 years. Very serious in his relationship. He doesnot want to let go of me at any cost.
    How did he react a week or two later? same as above
    Did he try to defend their behavior,did he ask you to understand,did he make excuses for them? Not at all, not once too. The incident happened 4 months back. Since then he is asking to go for a court wedding and join him asap.
    Has he given some plan of action if you both get married now? Yes, i can join him and start job hunting so that we ll be financially very stable. He says just both of us can take care of things and he doesnt need family support. But I am concerned about post-wedding life, kids, responsibility etc..
     
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  4. unluckygirl123

    unluckygirl123 New IL'ite

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    Yes I am lucky for having got him in my life but certain situations that are prevailing now make me feel unlucky :cry::sob:
     
  5. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Op.....fact of life.....there are no guarantees in marriages. No one n the world can give a guarantee for happy marriages.

    In arranged marriage,people try to reduce the risk factor by getting information about family and doing check ups. This reduces the risk but there are enough unhappy arranged marriages .

    In love marriages....the risk is reduced by knowing the life partner before hand .This reduces the risk....but there are enough unhappy love marriages too.

    You need to see what is working in your favor.
    1)From your posts it looks like you feel you can trust the guy....a big +ve
    2) He is willing to stand by you and marry you anyhow....a big +ve.
    3)You will be living away from your in laws who are not happy with this marriage ....a very big +ve
    4)You have the support of your parents.+ve
    5)A simple court/temple wedding will mean less financial burden on parents and you both.....a big +ve.
    6)A court marriage will reduce the chances of your parents being humiliated again......priceless.


    The points that you do not like is....
    1) You will not get the blessings of in laws.....
    2)You will not get to live with them(which you so naively desire:rolleyes:)
    3)You feel you will not get support with kids.


    Firstly....there is no time limit for blessings.
    1)Some people get lots of blessings at wedding time which turn into cursings soon after.:boxing:
    Some people start their married life with curses which slowly are replaced by blessing:angel:.Life is long and who knows how life turns out.

    2) Like I wrote...who knows how life turns out. When your inlaws become older,they may themselves wish to live with you.
    3) You are both adults,you should be taking care of your kids yourself .Grandparents can help but the primary responsibility lies with parents.If required ,your parents can help. You can take a break.You can work from home.Later on the child can go to day care. A lot of wonderful ladies here are managing very well with their children in day care.

    My advice.
    1)Inform Bf you are okay with court/temple wedding.
    2)Let him inform his family.
    3)Keep only court/temple wedding as options ....since your parents are not financially sound.
    4)Go head with the wedding.
    5)Move abroad with your husband
    6)Try to have a good bonding with husband
    7)Let in laws take the initiative to improve relations.You be respectful ,calm but keep your distance till things improve.


    This is just what I would do...you are a different person,so pick and choose advice that suit you from posters .
    There are no guaranteed happy marriages.Whether you have a court marriage with this guy,or a formal wedding with his parents blessings ...or even end up marrying some other guy....you will have work hard on your marriage through out life .There will be ups and downs ,wins and losses, tears of pain and joy. :D.

    Best Wishes Op......keep us posted. Wishing you all the luck for a happy life ahead:beer-toast1:
     
    Last edited: Jul 25, 2016
  6. blessings1010

    blessings1010 Gold IL'ite

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    Hi OP,
    First of all, can you change your mindset towards being lucky/ unlucky? there is no such thing as lucky/ unlucky person. may be lucky/unlucky circumstances but then again, circumstances can be changed by hard word- so luck is too easy to categorize if one doesnt want to take an effort to change the circumstances.

    second, let me stick with the answers pertaining to your questions ( not much of an experience in tough-love-marriage myself)

    >Should i wait for both parties to reconcile and get us married in a formal way?
    WHY do you want to turn a love marriage of your choice into an arranged marriage of your parent's choice? In some cases, that is possible. But with so much of baggage, it will be a futile attempt, IMO

    >or should i just get married to him privately and start my life?
    Your choice. Whatever you decide, be ready to accept your decision wholeheartedly. Do not confuse yourself. The guy is not confused. Why are you? When you start a life with him, he will need your unwavering support. Remember, he is fighting with his folks for you. Make it worthwhile by being confident.

    >Did I commit a mistake of loving someone who is in a higher status than mine?
    I do not think anyone can answer this for you. I thought Love just happens. One doesnt plan it based on the status of a person. You are blessed to be in love and get love in return. Cherish it, experience it, give thanks for it and please do not regret it ever. Love is capable of overcoming most of the challenges ( so i heard). IF you doubt it, you need to test it under the tough circumstances.

    >Will we both be able to manage ourselves with no family support?
    You will. You are adults, educated, working, responsible people. Why will you not manage? You should have this confidence, exhibit that confidence in front of parents, in front of your BF. Parents may support you sooner or later. IF not, having confidence doesnt hurt.

    Wish you good luck girl!
     
  7. NeetaR

    NeetaR Silver IL'ite

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    Well said YellowMango....Beautiful replies covering every doubt and query.
     
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  8. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Just reiterating what yellowmango said:
    I understand that you want to have a loving family relationship with his parents etc. You are correct, and you are naive. :) Just don't rush to please them in your efforts to win their approval. Stay respectful but keep your dignity too. If they are wise, they will come around to improve the relationship. If not, you will avoid a lot of unnecessary, self created headaches.
    Of course, this is not your current concern, but just something for you to keep in mind.
     
  9. unluckygirl123

    unluckygirl123 New IL'ite

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    Wow, a bunch of thanks and love for all your posts. I am aware about the after-wedding consequences to some extent as I see the love fading away post marriage in many cases.(my relative is now divorced after a 10 year love-marriage bond n now stays alone with her 9 year old daughter). So I do 100% agree marriage life is not at all a cake walk. The reason for me being naive in staying together with in-laws is because my bf is from a joint family. I dont want to be blamed for having separated their son from everyone which is the accusation they have laid on me now(that I am the one controlling him). When my parents used to ask me as why did I get into this love crap even after knowing our background, I have felt so many times, may be I should have avoided this in the early stage itself. Everything started as an infatuation but slowly turned very serious. Well, I cant regret these anymore.

    I am gonna give a month or two to see if things work out else will go with whatever decision my bf takes.
     
  10. Ragini25

    Ragini25 Platinum IL'ite

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    Sounds very sweet (a bit ol' fashioned sweet, but very cute) a nice rarity in forums like this
     
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