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How To Handle Silent Treatment?

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by deeprapriya, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    It is the trait of some people to give silent treatment as a way to control others. They show it as a matter of displeasure, non approval, and hurt to others.
    My mom is a good example of this, and I know what it is.

    She was such a great mom. Loving, caring and going overboard to show her affection by sacrificing a lot.
    However, with all this she wants to control us. She thinks we would be doing much better if we are under her control. In spite of crossing our 30s, we are still treated as kids, with no thinking capacity by mom. Any attempt to clear this mind-set will result in silent treatment.
    Mom would go to her shells, remain silent for few days, pretend to be unwell, hurt as well as sad. But she will look good with others, specially before us.
    It hurts when someone you love is doing this to you. We have pointed this out to mom several times when she is in normal mode. But she doesn't seem to be understanding it at all.
    if we try to argue or express our view during her silent mode, she will become worse... So, with time, what I have learnt to live with her is "ignorance".
    I would feel hurt, but would completely ignore her silence. I would pretend as if I have not bothered about her reactions/changes at all. I would act normal with others, and with my routines. But out of sympathy and love, I would check on her whether she is eating, sleeping, doing fine. But just casual...
    She would come out of her shells in 2-3 days just like that. Either she will open up and say her views in a calm manner, so that I could also express my point in a low tone too. Or she would just forget it all, and act as if nothing happened.
    But this cycle is a never ending occurrence in our family.

    May be your husband is trying to control you with this. Don't give in.
    Just ignore him. I know it is hard, but at least pretend to be careless with his attitude.
    Be normal. Don't bend over backward to make him speak. Don't argue or reasoning anything. Just ignore!!!

    Buy your own gift for your birthday. Eat out with colleagues!
    Go to the temple/church with your kiddo. Take some pics together, and upload in FB. Perhaps tag your H, so that he sees your happiness!
    Show through your body language that you don't really depend on him to be happy. Though you really need him, and the happiness you are projecting is untrue... It is important that he learns something from it. He should never try to control you after this.

    Other than this, singing, and talking are only good habits. Your MIL is not a teacher or GOD, and your house is not a classroom or temple. So you have no reason to be silent before her.
    Tell this casually in a very humble manner to MIL, and to your H separately. They will learn to live!
     
    shreepriya, NeetaR, MindVoice and 2 others like this.
  2. deeprapriya

    deeprapriya Gold IL'ite

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    Yes @SGBV.... I should try ignoring him for his silent treatment.... Never tried it....

    From childhood, it was a issue for me.... Like your mom, my mom also will not talk to me if any argument/issue happens... this happened from school days.... I will wait for a day or 2 and then talk, but my mom will refuse to talk to me..... Finally she will come down when she wants.....Once in went to a longer period of a week.... I could not tolerate..... In this time frame, I would be missing my mom very badly.... Being a girl child, I was very affectionate to her... When she ignores me, I could not tolerate the pain... There were times, when my father and brothers will interfere and try to solve the problem...but she will not change at all.... once my father shouted at my mom saying "How can you treat my child like this????".... she will remain the same in front of relatives too if they had come.... Imagine the feeling of getting ignored infront of a 3rd person in my own home... My aunt will be very helpful those days... I used to go and talk to my aunt about my mom and fight, she will console me... :( ...this used to happen many times....even it happened in my pregnancy once...

    I think, After my mom, my husband is the closest person to me.... others come next... When he does the same, I kind of get panic.... cry uncontrollably.... I could not accept the fact of getting ignored infront of others like my MIL and DD.... My MIL is the person I hate most in this world... There were days, where I just peg him to talk few words.... Later I changed myself not to ask him if he doesnt talk... But I could not withstand..... During initial days of marriage, I will just cry cry cry infront of him, finally he will come down.... and it became a practice...He did the same when I was counting my days for delivery knowing the fact that I will cry if he doesnt talk.... I know I should not do it....I knew that he is taking advantage of my habit.... Later I leant only lessons from my past.... Okay, he is doing all such nonsense because I am going behind him.... I stopped it.... there is improvement from his end too.... now this silent treatment is something, that I should handle.... I should learn to handle the 'IGNORANCE' and 'AVOIDANCE' in front of others too.... I am trying to cope up with this...

    Your points were very helpful too... thank you....
     
  3. SGBV

    SGBV IL Hall of Fame

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    Your post reminded of my teen days. Like you, I was too close to my mom. Her silence and ignorance hurt so much. During those days, my granny was the only solace. From my mom, all I learnt was "never to hurt others". May be that's my weakness. I fight with others for a valid reason, but I can't continue to ignore them or hurt them forever. The next minute I would apologize them and be nice with them though they haven't yet repented for it. So, people take me for granted for this easy going nature of me. But it all came from the childhood hurt, as I've promised to myself to never hurt others with my behavior.

    You know what... Since that time my target was to find an easy going husband, who will never give me silent treatment. Thank God I found mine. Although my H showed so much bad qualities, which were equally harming to the marriage, I overlooked all of them during our 4 yrs of courtship. Because all my observation were about how he deals problems, difference of understanding etc... and he was showing me a great sense of maturity by agree to disagree without feeling hurt or hurting others. So, I liked him.

    My mom lives with me, and continues to give me silent treatment till now. Just that, I grew up as a mom now. So, I handle it with a pinch of salt.

    For you, learn to pretend as if you have not at all bothered by his silent treatment. Even if he is showing off a cold face before others, pretend to have not noticed it. Be casual, and be normal even with him. Laugh, talk, crack joke, and be cool with others and kid.
    Don't ignore him , but ignore his silent treatment. The moment he learns that there is no value of being silent with you, he will stop it.

    My mom has never gone silent with my bro more than 30 mins. Being silent and giving silent treatment is her trait. But the length and severity of it will be decided based on the recipient. Mom knows my bro will care a damn if she is silent. He will talk, and apologetic frankly. But if she continues, he will ignore blatantly. To add fuel to the fire, mom is insecure about SIL's closeness with bro. So, she will calm down asap, and be casual with him.

    In my case, she knows I depend on her. She favors me so much other than my siblings. So, as I take her favors, I also take this silent treatment now. Just that I've learnt to ignore!
     
    deeprapriya likes this.
  4. MindVoice

    MindVoice Silver IL'ite

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    Dear OP! I have faced the same silent treatment, and found ignoring to be the only thing that has worked till now, both for the issue at hand, as well as for my sanity.
    This is the crux of the matter..
    Its extremely difficult, however (especially if you're an extrovert like me) but you just have to bite your teeth, and do it. Its important for you to focus on actually not bother, not just ignore him in return, simmering all the while. I used to keep telling myself "I dont bother, you can get as moody as you can", and slowly it stops affecting you so much. I used to want to just go and plead with him to talk because I couldn't stand it, but that is exactly what is expected of us, and what we should just not do. I used to remind myself that I am giving my husband an opportunity to learn how to treat me right (even if I cried to myself at times). And you do that because you care about your spouse - its not some tit for tat.
    @SGBV 's words are gold. Esp. regarding ignoring the behaviour, not the person.
    Please enjoy your birthday, your way. And dont bother however your husband reacts to it - or even if he doesn't. Here's wishing you a great birthday! :thumbup:
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2016
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  5. deeprapriya

    deeprapriya Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you so much @SGBV.... will follow this surely in future....

    Thanks @MindVoice
     
  6. madras2018

    madras2018 Platinum IL'ite

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    @deeprapriya belated birthday wishes. how did your bday go ? how is everything b/w you and your husband now ? is he on talking terms ?

     
  7. tulip07

    tulip07 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hey, not only ignoring the silent treatment, but also being happy in your world. Show him that his silence is not affecting you. You really have to show him that you are leading a normal happy life by pursuing your interests, hobbies, going to the gym/sportsclub (if you like), going out with friends, cooking (if that makes you happy) etc. Just be busy and Happy! Thats the only way to handle this.

    Play music , watch comedies ;) have fun and show more than you are actually enjoying :D
     
  8. yellowmango

    yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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    Happy Birthday OP.....:dev14:
     
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  9. deeprapriya

    deeprapriya Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you all... Birthday went good... :)... DH also joined with the fun....In fact, he gave some surprises too... :)...

    But I prepared myself on how to tackle the silent treatment....
     
    MindVoice likes this.
  10. sslkgpaa

    sslkgpaa Gold IL'ite

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    The best way to handle silent treatment is to give him back the same treatment.
     

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