Right(eous) Timeline Of Affair?

To answer that question, Jazmine, a physical involvement outside of marriage (call it an EMA or adultery) is a crime and punishable under law. Though the definition and law in India are pretty strange. It gives the impression that the wife is a piece of meat, a possession of the husband or anyone who is charged with looking after her. The man involved in adultery is punishable, but not the woman.

http://prashantghai.com/adultery-not-offence-women-india/

 

I would not say meeting or talking to the guy amounts to cheating. I could treat a male friend as well as a female friend just the same. The key is to know if that ordinary friendship starts changing face to something more serious and then act on it.

Let us take a concrete example of the OP in the other thread. I don't think she needed to stop meeting (probably not possible, given he is a colleague) or talking to the other man in her life. Reason? She has found someone to talk to. Someone who just listens to what she has to say. He can be a 'friend' in the truest sense. Well, that might or might not develop into something more in the future. She is already in the process of separating from the husband. She has informed him that she wants to separate and get a divorce. He has not responded. She is sure she wants out. Why should she push away a potential candidate who could mean everything to her in the future? Should she go the whole hog? That is a different matter. She could probably defer that step to the time when she files for divorce. That is only my personal opinion. What she thinks or does is not for me to judge (especially given her situation), since her code or her opinions might be different from mine - not superior or inferior. Would I be judgmental if she had an EMA when her marriage were a happy one? Yes, certainly - at least mentally.

 

Developing feelings is natural and happens with many people in many marriages. The question to ask is, when to act on it. Only after a divorce. Because cheating doesn't have any space in a committed relationship like marriage. My two cents

 

@satchitananda No one is bad-mouthing if she has a male/female friend - a respectful friend is a different matter altogether. Its when the line crosses from friend to cheating (emotional or physical - either one is CHEATING).

 

I would agree with the physical aspect, Ragini. What is still unclear to me is how one defines 'emotional' cheating. Sorry if I am being dense, but I really need to understand exactly what is meant by this term before I can come to any conclusions of my own.

 

Friend vs Emotional cheating - are you sure you don't get this @satchitananda
A simple test - Are you comfortable telling your hubby about what you are talking with the "male friend"? If he sees your text / email - do you dread it? Do you delete them to hide something? You definitely know there is "something more" going on in your head.

If you’re fantasizing, and sharing things you should only be sharing with your primary partner or sending late night ‘just thinking of you’, or regular 'as soon as you wake up - hey/hi" with regularity or even more flirty texts, "dressing up" to impress 'that guy', you’re not just having an innocent friendship. A normal regular friendship has RESPECTFUL boundaries and there is not much need to hide the closeness/friendship from family in respectful friendships.

 

OK, now get it. I agree, in a normal marriage (not even over the top ideal marriage) it is a red flag if you need to hide your communication with a member of the other gender from your spouse and common sense demands that one quit doing that kind of thing.

However, again in the example that has been the basis for this thread, there was nothing left - it was no more a marriage (my personal opinion). So in that case, it really does not matter. The question of telling or sharing with the husband arose only if they had any communication of any sort. In the absence of that, there was no question of his knowing. He did not even take on board what was already communicated to him viz. the fact that the wife had a lot of issues rankling inside and wanted out. So I guess we need to take the merits or demerits of individual cases before me make a blanket judgment.

 

Sats there is no definition/demarcation - have come across someone who strongly believes that hubby saying "wow sexy actress/woman" means emotional cheating... this is just the beginning and she keeps scripting and developing the story on emotional cheating...

 

Precisely what I mean, GG. It can vary from:

1. Spouse talking and interacting with a member of the other gender in a neutral manner but not acceptable to a paranoid spouse. In this case, one could possibly say, why indulge in something that the spouse dislikes? Why give room for problems?

2. Spouse actually cheating believing variety being the spouse of life.

3. Spouse in a troubled marriage confiding in a member of the opposite gender for want of someone to talk to. Obviously he/she is not going to report this to the spouse even if he/she is confiding to a member of the same gender.

4. Spouse in a troubled marriage developing a relationship on the side to compensate for the lack of communication within the marriage. Again, here there could be a question of how to deal with the issue with varying perspectives and even on a case to case basis.

5. Considering the changes in gender equations, how far is the day when we talk of emotional cheating if a woman talks to another woman about her problems? What is to stop us from suspecting the relationship being 'more' than just a friendship? There is no end to it.

 

Rihana, you opened another hot topic

IMO, It's good to atleast get separate with the spouse if one is not comfortable in a relation. I know getting divorce is not so easy, and it's time consuming. Forget about morals or ethics, but atleast to teach our kids the right path, first we need to follow that path.

What we advice to our kids? Can we dare to advice them to go for EMA if they are not happy with their spouse? or we suggest our kids to come out of that relation first?

As a responsible parent, we suggest them to get out of that relation first (separation / divorce depending on the case), and then to plan for the future.

Whether it's male or female, rules are same.

Are we going to suggest a male member to go for EMA if his wife is not interested in sex. Everyone in their life at one point of time may feel lack of interest in sex depending on so many issues like health or stress or pressures etc. If everyone starts indulging in EMA then what their kids are going to learn from their parents?

For example: with growing age or health issues, if one of our parent or sibling lacks interest in sex completely and the other one still interested in sex - are we going to suggest our parents / siblings to go for EMA?

So we cannot justify EMA based on what reason it started, reasons can vary, but the hurt caused to other spouse is same.

For example: take that other thread by confusedbrain - can she tell her future kids openly what she did in the past? why she has to wait for 6 years if lack of intimacy was a big problem for her? Why she has to wait till she finds another person in her life? More over she was saying her DH is a good and kind person. So is it justified to give such a horrible hurt to that good and kind person?

So it's not about morals, its about closing a chapter in life cleanly and showing a good path to our kids and being an example to our kids as a responsible parent.

I am getting too many questions now, let me post it in a different thread as I do not want to deviate the topic here.