Misunderstanding With My Best Friend :(

Good suggestion Ashima10

 

Exactly.
We are talking about "best friends" type not just friend or mere acquaintance.
She shared her feelings but you didn't share yours until well after the fact that you started an affair ( substitute any word for that). Especially with a guy which didn't end well for her.
So normally what best friends do, would talk about this before they start an affair and ask the hypothetical question, you remember that guy, so and so how would you feel,if.......?
That leaves the friend in a situation where she could voice her feelings honestly, if she wanted to do so.
Telling her after the fact leaves her in a place where there is not a lot more things to say other then congratulations, I am so happy for you.
so, what would someone do who values a friendship?
You seem not be interested in seeing it from her view, so I'm not going to go into it and just leave it at that.

 

You violated the fundamental Bro Code: You friend feels totally betrayed!!! If your friend had never met you, she would have saved herself a whole world of hurt. It should not be that way, but, unfortunately, it is what it is.

I had a *friend* who always wanted the same things as I did and was always very competitive with me. Right from high school! He would always mimic my choices. He would call and interrogate about my future plans and as to which Uni I attended and then once I graduated, he had to know what package I got so he could one up me on this. He got the wind of the fact that I was seeing a girl and then when things did not work out between us, he swooped in on her. He then calls me and informs me that he has been seeing her and things might get hot. I wished him all the best but I was totally crushed. Now, I have to attend his wedding and wish him a happy life and relive the pain of things not working out again! Then, I have to keep "liking" their pictures on facebook and get reminded again and again of that pain. It's like being continually stabbed in the heart. Again and again and for decades! It was really hard for me to take. Theoretically and rationally speaking, he did nothing wrong. It did not work out between us both so why should I care if he hooked up with her? I knew she was not a possession but I did feel very betrayed. I kept thinking. "Of all the people you could choose from, why would you want to specifically target this girl? You knew I was seeing her! And by succeeding with her you are indirectly telling me that you are better than me which was something you wanted to do from a long time!"

It definitely changed the relationship I had with him. It slowly became one sided. He would keep calling or texting and I would give only one-word answers or even not pick up the calls/texts at all. It did not work out between her and him. He is currently seeing another girl and will get married soon. Even then, it changed the relationship forever. I would avoid any events if I knew he was going to attend. By cutting him out, I gained peace of mind. Even when I had to interact with him, it was like drawing together same poles of a magnet nearby. You just feel repelled and want to avoid the person at any cost. You can't even rationalize to yourself why.

I can guarantee you that your friend feels violated and betrayed. It basically feels like someone just punched you very hard in the stomach and you feel like that the air has been sucked out of you completely. Note: This was just a "friend" of mine. A "frenemy" to be exact and I felt like this. Imagine if he was my best friend and I shared with him as to how hot and amazing this girl was, only to later realize that he also wanted her. That is infinitely more crushing.

Theoretically and rationally speaking, what you did and what my friend did is not wrong and my brain tells me I should get over it like an adult and be normal like before but emotionally it hurts. A LOT! If the relationship between them worked out like it did for your husband and you, it would have been even harder for me to get over.

Do you like your friend? Do you want her to feel happy? Then please minimize all the contact with her and avoid her as much possible. Do this for her well-being and her peace of mind. Every time she sees your name on whatsapp and every time she sees you chatting with others, it just is going to bring traumatic memories back to her mind. Again and again.

I am not saying what you did is wrong. You did what was right for you. Just what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this kind of a situation. From the other side!

tl;dr

Theoretically, she knows what you did was not wrong but the practical reality is that it feels very hurtful. And the only way to deal with this pain is avoiding contact with the offending parties and that is what she is doing.

 

I was not influenced by sweetgirl123 at all. I just read your first post and then typed in the reply. I did not get confused at all. My original understanding is perfectly in sync with your latest post.

Not just Sweetgirl or me. Most people in her exact situation will feel and behave the same way is what I am trying to say. I don't think you did a crime. You did not do this on purpose to hurt her. You did not betray her. It's just that from her perspective she would feel betrayed. It's not logical but it is what it is.

It doesn't matter that it was a bitter experience for her and it doesn't matter that she has her own family or it has been a lot of years since the event.

Her saying that she is no longer talking to you because of something you said to a third party is complete BS. That's not the real reason at all.

Just Google dating a BFF's ex/crush/flame. Without exception, the advice given is that it is always a bad idea regardless of the context and if you proceed to go along with it then you should be prepared to lose the BFF.

DailyMail

I mean, it is going to be very awkward (both for her and your husband) to face each other. That is something she would like to avoid.

 

hi sgbv,
let us consider that this friendship is over...
so I dont see a harm in trying to talk to her once, may be in a public space. Atleast you will get some closure.