Intimacy Lacking

Ragini25 · May 27, 2016

LOL madras2018, some of us have been online sufficiently to quickly sense when something is amiss. I have been fairly accurate with my alerts (and actually have refrained from alerting over last many months - u can search my posts). Carry on posting, good wishes. If I have refrained from alerting in past, I dont mind refraining now. As an aside, I havent even posted much - let alone alert - in quite a while. I guess some folks enjoy believing troll threads as real, why should I bother? Thanks for the reminder to me, accepted.

Akanksha1982 · May 27, 2016

Troll or not. The information contributed by others have been very useful. I used to not bath or change into fresh clothes at the end of the day and reading from such threads, I started doing that and I feel much fresher and less tired.

OP, you got some great suggestions here. At the end of the day, you cannot force your H to do what he is not interested in. Work on yourself getting into shape and fit. Looks like your married life is otherwise quite stable and in that respect you are better than many that we hear about in the married forum so find some other creative interests to keep your mind busy.

Mangojuice100 · May 27, 2016

Thank you madras2018 for all your suggestions.

I have been trying most of this even in the interim of 5 yrs. My job is not going great for me - but I am trying to keep my chin up most of the times.. may be its hormone related changes during pregnancy that is making particularly vulnerable now. I have no intention to "bleach" anywhere.. except that I have and will continue to try to look good for myself(and him). I am quite the confident types - my husband knows it - but with time I find myself mellowing down and my self worth is decreasing..

I am going to make it clear to him that its not a good idea to point to the lack of physical satisfaction as an issue for every fight that brews between us - this is an action item for me.

Marriage counseling is something I have considered.... isn't it very expensive? I know my husband would never come - but I could try on my own now before the new baby is here if its not too expensive..... any idea how much it would cost? any leads?

And regarding separation, I am only considering that because suppose at some point I find him astray (like with **** or EMA etc..) I will never be able to live again normally.. In fact when I myself being a woman is drawn to some silly utube stuff I am embarrassed with myself and feel guilty and dirty too. Only when I found myself doing that, that i had to start this thread to vent. This is so hard - I sincerely hope we are able to find all kinds of satisfaction in eachother sooner than later.

Thanks to everyone who have remained supportive....

madras2018 said: ↑

@Mangojuice100

Some suggestions.
1) Find out what is turning him off & try some self-improvement
He seems to consistently state the reason as "lack of attraction".You need to find out what exactly it putting him off - don't guess things about yourself, instead ask him to be specific. Also ask him if he would like a better sex life and would he feel be more motivated if you could do some self-improvement. And just fyi - being dark in the nether regions is not an anamoly. You could bleach it and there are some excellent options out there for down there.
- I can imagine how difficult it must be to keep hearing 'you don't turn me on' over and over again. It might be good to establish a basic ground rule that both will keep out sex issues when you fight (triggered by other issues) because things can get ugly and hurtful. Instead always make sure you talk about sex issues in a separate conversation which can be conducted in a calm manner. Also request him to express himself in a gentle, empathetic manner and not in a rough or hurtful way.

2) Get expert help to communicate
If it appears that you have trouble communicating, i.e you are not able to get him to acknowledge your hurt feelings, or he continues to say things in a hurtful manner, or his behavior fails to improve despite your best efforts at self-improvement, you must consider a marriage counselor. Many people are hesitant because they feel that it's for people with serious problems on the brink of divorce. But in reality a meeting with a counselor is a means to open up communication in a neutral environment and seek the help of a person experienced in such matters.

3) Self-Improvement as an ongoing process in all spheres of your life
In parallel to all of the above efforts - Focus on improving yourself in a way that is independent of seeking his approval. Quite difficult with personal issues ongoing, but investing in onself is always worth it. Post-delivery, get yourself in shape, develop friendships, excel at work, get a new look or wardrobe, change some personal habits, try to not make your husband the sole source of happiness in your marriage. It is always possible that he will be more attracted to you when he sees you bloom as a person rather than as someone seeking his approval.

4) Self Help
In some cases despite the best efforts of one party, sex life does not always improve because as it is easy to see, it requires the efforts of both parties. In other cases, change can take time. In such situation and perhaps beginning even now, you could try using vibrators and other self-pleasuring techniques that will help you handle your needs/ libido as you navigate through the issues.

I noticed your other thread about separation due to lack of intimacy, and I really do not think it is practical at this time as you are a pregnant woman with a 5 y/o child. Your marriage seems to be doing ok in other departments and you need all the help you can get for the next 18 months. Lack of sex may be indeed a valid cause for separation, but you might be better off thinking about it after you have you've got finances and child rearing under control over the next few months. You could use this time instead to help yourself with/without a counselor to try and resolve issues with your partner.
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madras2018 · May 27, 2016

Hi @Mangojuice100

I'm so pleased to hear that you are the confident type ! It opens up the possibilities so much more.

Marriage counselors are not expensive - depending on who and where you consult. Are you in the U.S ? Marriage counseling can be covered by insurance if one of the spouses is already under treatment for clinical depression. In such cases, you will only pay the usual copay. Otherwise you might need to pay anywhere from $100-$250/hr. In India, there are no prerequisites. You can find someone in the range of 1500 - 3000 INR / hr. Regardless of where you go, you might need atleast 6-10 sessions to achieve anything. And I cannot stress enough that successful outcomes depends on the quality of the counselor. Please please go to someone reputed and whose wavelength matches yours.

What I recommend is, speak to your husband and tell him your how bad you've been feeling about this issue lately. It will be cheaper if you two can communicate such that each hears what the other is saying and each talks in a kind, sensitive manner without being hurtful. If you can help yourselves, good. If not, request him that the least he can do is help you financially to help yourself or better yet join you in counseling as well and save this marriage and family. ( Off-topic - once you begin counseling you will realize that Indian couples of every age group walk in for help and some whose problems are far more severe.) Some women experience post-partum depression & existing problems feel far worse. Better to get help for your marriage now before you feel all of your problems crowding you.

Here's the thing I really need to stress and I hope i was able to convey - you need to tell your husband that if he's going to bring up sexual dissatisfaction, he needs to bring some ideas/ suggestions/ solutions to the table. If he refuses to be a part of the solutioning process, then it begets the question if his intention is to just hurt or shame you ? It's his problem (also) if he is unsatisfied with the sex and he needs to own his part in solving it by talking about it in a meaningful manner. Frankly, if he can't own his part then it's best that he not bring it up. If he's going to say that he's never been attracted to you ever - one would wonder why he married you in the first place. It's a whole other issue that I think only you will be able to determine if, why and for how long you want to keep the marriage going.

Don't feel bad about looking up ****. It's perfectly alright and lots of women do it even in sexually fulfilling marriages. And there are LOTS of women who have never masturbated before marriage. I think your husband needs some sex ed too.

===

Mangojuice100 said: ↑

Thank you madras2018 for all your suggestions.

I have been trying most of this even in the interim of 5 yrs. My job is not going great for me - but I am trying to keep my chin up most of the times.. may be its hormone related changes during pregnancy that is making particularly vulnerable now. I have no intention to "bleach" anywhere.. except that I have and will continue to try to look good for myself(and him). I am quite the confident types - my husband knows it - but with time I find myself mellowing down and my self worth is decreasing..

I am going to make it clear to him that its not a good idea to point to the lack of physical satisfaction as an issue for every fight that brews between us - this is an action item for me.

Marriage counseling is something I have considered.... isn't it very expensive? I know my husband would never come - but I could try on my own now before the new baby is here if its not too expensive..... any idea how much it would cost? any leads?

And regarding separation, I am only considering that because suppose at some point I find him astray (like with **** or EMA etc..) I will never be able to live again normally.. In fact when I myself being a woman is drawn to some silly utube stuff I am embarrassed with myself and feel guilty and dirty too. Only when I found myself doing that, that i had to start this thread to vent. This is so hard - I sincerely hope we are able to find all kinds of satisfaction in eachother sooner than later.

Thanks to everyone who have remained supportive....
Click to expand...

silentlistener · May 31, 2016

Yes. Upset before 12th years can be a turn off to him. Some deep rooted hatreds do not vanish for very long time.

It is possible. Talk to him about it. You may find real surprises !

Iamagoodgirl · May 31, 2016

This attraction is weird thing.It depends upon lot of thinks apart from physical attribute.
It is very much possible that he has anger towards you because he think you dont get along his parents.
I am only guessing.Only he can tell you.
About this body issue you mention.Try jovees veg peel
Jovees Veg Peel Pack Review
Read abt in detail.
Bleaching doesnt work on some types of skins.
Infact bleaching can damage delicate skin.

I myself use jovees peel regularly as i had dark underarm before.Also my knees and elbows.
Regular use has eliminated issue almost now.

yellowmango · Jun 1, 2016

Most wives have some problems with the guys parents.If that is good enough reason to withhold sex,most marriages would be sexless.

Op ,the issue is something else.A guy cannot love his wife if he finds her so unattractive that he won't touch her.Most people change after marriage but that does not change the nature of the relationship.A guy learns to hug the love handles and the soft belly ,a woman learns to ignore the pot belly and thinning hair. The relationship changes from a very sexual one to physical and caring.People learn to love in the dark if they are embarrassed about their bodies or the partners boy.

Your husband is using excuses to not have sex.

May be your sexual problems early on have been replaced by his problems now...but he doesn't want to accept.

May be he felt rejected early on in marriage because of your problems ...or inadequate.The bond that had to develop between you did not happen.

sugarnspice · Jun 1, 2016

Mangojuice, I am really sorry for your plight. I think that the problem is larger than you think. You need to check if your husband has intimacy issues at large. Did he have relationships earlier? Perhaps he is just not interested in the sex act. Did he enjoy sex at any time? If he is willing to discuss it, perhaps a visit to the doctor is a good idea. It is not a light issue, and may have some serious underlying problems. I feel for you, and I hope that things work out for you.

silentlistener · Jun 2, 2016

Akanksha1982 said: ↑

Troll or not. The information contributed by others have been very useful. .
Click to expand...

I have also found many informations shared on suspected troll threads very useful.

nandita24 · Jun 2, 2016

Most important issue here is communication, communication and communication. You may take the help of a third person who is your well wisher and confidant preferably a lady or a couple who are mature enough to understand your problem. An alternative is a really good professional counselor. The real problem could be just inhibitions related to sexual relations, acquired due to our skewed upbringing. All these can be reversed with a paradigm shift and a change of perspective. This have seen in actual experience, happening to a distant relative of mine and my very good friend.