Hatred For Mother In Law

Only time can heal.Just avoid her.Be formal.Your h is going to oppose separation if FIL is no more.

 

You may want to read up on cognitive behavioral therapy.

You can try meditating. Just the act of setting aside 10 minutes to detect, examine and discard the thoughts that wade in and out of the mind is beneficial for someone trying to rein in their emotions. It does take time and consistency, but gradually, you will be aware of your 'knee-jerk' reactions to situations and be able to reject them if you find that they are not helping your cause.

 

My mil expected me to wear kumkum on forehead n some other tradition, I'm like a dumbo followed even though does not match the fashion n as time goes with fast life I changed some as I wished n left some practice, but the worst is, when my husband points out Infront of the mother that she did not wore kumkum during her marriage but I insisting on me (sometime dh does this voice out with proof) n mil just said that's because she is allergic, plus at a stage she stopped wearing mangalsutra also, it is normal now not to wear mangalsutra n kumkum but not In Their time. That's the time I learned that some people place rules just for others n not for themselves, I stopped listening to her .

 

Op,
Your points are all valid:
She bad mouthing you
The education difference between you and MIL
Her expectations and never being happy for you

You reactions are also valid:
Being angry, being frustrated
Being hateful

You are going through a newly married DIL phase called "to bell the cat"
Have you heard of the story to bell the cat.
The mice are scared of new cat in town...
90% of desi DIL go through this phase of being new DIL where MIL acts crazy..it is great that in your case there is no co sis, no SIL etc..or else they all will pitch in to drive you crazy
There is no real solution to this phase since it is growing pains..pains of making a place for yourself, even when people aren't ready to give you one inch of breathing space..

Once you have children, you and MIL will be connected by lineage..so many things will be same and DILs learn to live with them, call the old feuds "water under the bridge"

Do not try to tell her that you are more qualified etc, do what she asks you in kitchen- if recipes turn out good or rotis get burned- do not take it personally. Try to have duck feather..so that all words from MIL roll off your skin,
sometimes give her good diplomatic jawab.

If no one listens to your jawab- is it better for you? or is it better to give tagda jawab in front of someone?
test this 2 scenarios, each MIL uses one scenario to her advantage...

Go out of the house-yourself, get a hobby. Make some friends in neighborhood, but make sure who you are talking to since all will be reported back to MIL
travel to mom's place
If you can, get a job.

Whatever you do, she will never be happy, better to spend those many feelings, tears, effort - someplace else.

That is the nature of MILs, so no worries...do not try to please..do not get offended

But aik do bar jawab deke- mark your boundaries- what your are okay with and what you cannot hear..

 

OMG! I was so sorry to read this trail of messages. From seeing other marriages and my own, I think that IMHO I know of some people who are very accomplished in life and unknowingly treat others as somewhat lesser. I am sure that this does not apply to you, but it works in both ways, perhaps if your in laws are not as accomplished as you, then they could be feeling inferior in some way and so assuming that you are stuck up or take your behavior to be not satisfactory. All people have their own way of understanding others' behavior and feeling hurt or angry as the case may be. Perhaps you could be the bigger person and treat them like they are special and they will reciprocate. You will ultimately spend the rest of your life with your in laws. So, it is so much better to live in harmony. My MIL also told me soon after marriage that I had to follow certain rules with regards to dress and jewelry, but we soon overcame the difficulties with some understanding and a lot of discussion.
I sincerely hope that things work out for you.

 

PepperPot's suggestion is a good one. Meditation will bring you the calm frame of mind that you need to distance yourself from the situation.

I'd like to add:
Don't rush to forgive. You are feeling something as a reaction to many incidents and her bad behaviour. It has ended up as hatred. And you don't like to think of yourself as hating someone. But you've taken the first step of recognising this and wanting to do something about it. That's good. I
The next step is harder. You could give this a try: Visualise a hand gathering all that mucky hate, pulling it out at the root, rolling it all into a ball, wrapping it in brown paper and hitting it with a bat, rather like a piñata, and then watch it disintegrate.
Do this everyday. Sit with yourself and let it all out. Give it time. You can't hurry the process.
In the meantime, to gain the upper hand, talk to her, do a few things for her. Break the ice but do not bend over backwards to obey her. Behave civilly but formally, maintain your distance. This is for your sake not hers. When you do things for her with no expectation that she will appreciate you, you are only chipping away at that tight hard knot in your heart. So this is all for you, to help you come out the other side of this tunnel of negativity. Kindness always pays off for the self-aware...adds to your bank of good feelings.

You are lucky that your husband understands. So you can take the time you need. In fact, have him attend to her with no explanation given to her. It might all blow up but to my mind when we behave well, nobody can say we didn't do our best.
You have understood her weaknesses and personality. Once you get to feeling sorry for her she can't evoke this feeling in you.

Most of all, take your time.

 

@songbird46
wonderful reply... best was "Once you get to feeling sorry for her she can't evoke this feeling in you."

the visualization is great idea too..

OP,
I went through what you are going, but I never thought I am more educated etc, because I am mixing at a family level not at work, but guess what - they kept hating - saying- padhe likhe bewkoof
My husband and my MIL, and everyone else, I didn't know they were calling me that...
So, what I am trying to tell is, if you are humble and treat them real nice, that will not guarantee their humbleness and niceness. She will find something else to taunt about- your weight or your hair...list goes on

Like songbird said take your time...replace the hatred with pity..slowly..
but she will never be your mother..do not expect her to give you 50% of the love that your mother gives you.
IT doesn't work that way...

Do go out of the house...

LEt her rule the house, it will come in handy if you want both your job and child...

Try to learn to live with her..I started feeling sorry for MIL...it helped
Mine competes with me on beauty...what? I am her DIL, another generation...but craziness continues.

She will never openly acknowledged your degrees...because of her personality type...may be trying to belittle you at every step because of your degrees...but at home- we are husband, wife, child,,not degrees

 

Hi all....iam 2 yrs old married now....early my Mil was very ok wth us...actually I and my elder sis are married in the same house for 2 brothers...2 yrs aftr my sis marage they asked for my hand for their younger son..i was jobless....we even discussed regarding jobless situation and they even said ok for that too....I had any dreams of starting a new life my husband...2 mnths aftr marage as inlaws persisted i started sas coaching...in 6 mnths i fell down and had leg ligamnt tear...very painful to hav in newly married stage...hope u understand....i was completely shattered...and so was my husband...actually aftr the injury we thot it to be jus sprain...my inlaws are least bothered to get dat chkd also....i was suffering wth pain..but they were just commenting as if i was simply complaining to avoid work...they know dat v r not so very smart...but now am a damage piece....so started their game play wth all their coments....my husband was a gr8 support for me....iam alive today bcz of my husband...even my parents r supportive...aftr marage i got injured...which gave a shock....on above i was tortured by mil whom i trusted a lot.....as u said back biting...mil has rights to directly ask to do a work....but infrnt of all she acts and later raises her sons against us.....i saw this going on for 2 yrs...she leaves us in kitchen for 2 days and again 3rd day complains dat v r wasting oil and spices ...omg....i dnt knw how my sis managed der....she is software.still begs my mil even though der s not an inch of wrong wth her....v like to work a reasonable wrk but she never allows us to do work and later shout at us....dat she is treted as servant....omg....in the starting i too begged...i gave respect ...but my mom is a doctor....when mil strtd insulting mom infront of me back of her...i reacted very much....literally i started shouting at mil....mil changed after my injury....its not in my hand about injury...but after injury i did reasonable work at home...jus think...my state....my injury have to adjust in bedroom....shud search job so hav to prepare for interviews...in this how can i manage such mil....now she is not in rapo wth my family....i dnt knw when she will understand that i was most hurt....god mothers are very gr8...i respect them but y mils are like dis.....plz explain us

 

There is so much bottled-up wrath in your mind, that I think must be released to feel light.
After the incident, did you confront your MIL about it? Pointless, useless, I know. But I hope you did pour out your anger straight on her face, all the same in a dignified manner. I hope she knows you guys have got to know all about it. If not, look for an opportunity, tell her you heard about it somehow and that you are very upset. Maybe she might apologize (best case scenario) or defend herself or show her awkward face. Whatever that is, you will find some peace then on..
If you have already done all of this, then the best bet would be to write out your feelings somewhere... and yell out everything that you feel for her on your log. Idea is to release the pent up negativity and hatred for her in some form. That will help to a great extent.